Sexually abused and consequences

I figure to share my story and see who has similar one or get any comments from mature people etc. I'm a guy and was abused by my male cousin when I was 6 years old and I remember it crystal clearly he was trying to kiss me on the lips and I bit his lip. He destroyed my innocence completely and when I was 15 he gave me a blow job and then I did it to him and carried on until he moved out after couple of months and we never did it or spoke of it ever after and now I'm almost 25. The bottomline, I was sexually abused by him at an early age and he was older than I was and obviously knew what he was doing because he was the aggressor and so I was under his influence and controled by him and even though by age 15 we did stuff but I just did it without thinking because we were cousins and I trusted him or some shit like that. Anyway, I'm almost 25 now and still have mixed feelings and anger deep down and hatred for him ofcourse and unfortunately I wish I told someone of what he's done to me when I was 5 because I believe that was the root cause of my mixed feeling right now and me not getting along with guys and alot of withdrawing from whether school or friends etc. I guess cuz like I feel like I'm carrying this secret with me till now and I no longer can take it and feel like exploding. Being sexually abused by a guy had a major significant part even in leading a healthy relationship with my ex's and I always treated them wrong because I was just angry and I guess very self-conscious and afraid.......Ofcourse with experience and research and reading stories about males recovering from sexual abuse by other males I always always and can't stress and emphasize felt that this one day is going to come this one is going to come where people will realize how different I am or maybe label me as gay because I'm defensive and maybe into myself but do you blame me?
This sexual abuse also affected my adulthood and emotional growth. When I look back at highschool I remember I was a bully and feed off people's misery actually and thats what gave me energy. I also used to mess with people's emotions and especially girls. Now 7 years later I look back and tell myself how the hell am I going to face those people one more time cuz I moved to different country for university and also I ask myself that actually the bully or tough guy was my image and I can no longer sustain that. Not to mention, lately I've been getting extreme anxiety I've never had in my life. And that's because I started taking pleasure in stroking myself from behind and using dildo sometimes and I can no longer live with myself.
I think and feel this is all my cousin's fault. He fucked my emotional growth and the consequence is mixed feelings and I find trouble trusting people esp. guys and defensive but yet always maintain a tough look or impression whatever and intimidating full of ego behavior to kinda set the bar for anybody who wants to talk to me but friendly at time but now I feel I lost it and I'm close to 25 yrs old.
I may have jumped from one idea to another or my thoughts were not consistent by I just wrote what came to my mind.
Any comments, persons with close experience, is welcome and thanks for taking the time to read this!
Anger

 

Wow, don't know where to begin. I had a simular situation but with a older women around the ages of 5-8. I did have small issues that I feel I have overcome. Yes, some of what you find sexually exciting now probably stems from that. It is not anything to worry about though unless it turns dangerous. You can't control what turns you on right. I hear what your saying about the bully/tough act. I took the more withdrawed route myself. All I can say there is you can apologize and move on. You don't have to keep the tough guy image up. No one can take avantage of you now unless you let them. You need to find someone to talk to openly about this. Everyone doesn't need to know but having at least one person to talk through your feelings will help. I don't feel particularly tramatised by my experiences but sometimes I wonder if that is normal. Hell, no body is normal anyway. Like everything else bad in life all you can do is control your future and try not to dwell on the past.

 

My deep condolences go out to you both. It wasn't your fault and children never deserve to be treated in such a horrible way.

There are people that are willing to listen to your feelings and a therapist can be a great listener who may help you feel a sense of resolve within yourself, even if you can't seem to find the words here.

Best of luck - and I admire both of you.

 

You dont say how old your cousin was was when all this started, and if it is the case that your cousin was only a child himself then it might make sense to ask if he was being abused as well. Even if he was an adult he may have been abused as a child. It might not simply be that he was the aggressor. It could very well be that he suffered abuse by an older person and passed that abuse onto you. The other posters here are right, it is a very good thing to talk over these things with someone who is trained to help people with these memories and felings. I would like to add that time will help you to come to terms with these things as well. You are only 25 you have time on your side. Many people have been through what you describe and so many people understand you very well. Best to find a professional though if you feel that its too much to cope with alone.

 

Thanks for sharing. You may feel like you are the only person who feels this way but many of us are messed up by some weird shit that happened when we were kids or teenagers..... I'm sorry this happened to you. I had some things happen also which have effected my life negatively and often cause me to lash out for nothing.

hugs.

 

Luckily, my wife, who is the only one I have ever talked about it with face to face was very understanding. I didn't mention it to anyone until 20 years after the fact. I don't think I even realized how much I needed to talk about it. You get caught up in a mix of confusing emotions. I didn't try to avoid it or anything when it was going on and kind of enjoyed a lot of it. It does leave you with some guilty feelings. Luckily I don't ever the see the person in question anymore even though she still is a good friend of my mothers. I still feel guilt for not telling my mother but I believe making her feel guilty wouldn't help(she left us with her). I can't imagine what it would feel like if it was family. Even if you don't think you need to talk to someone face to face, try it. It helped me get through some of my own feelings of guilt. Losing your virginity at 5 has a way of messin with ya, even when you don't think of it any longer. I am especially paranoid concerning my own children. I watch who they are with closely.

 

I dont want to explain the background to what my experiences are but sufficient to say I really empathise with the poster for sharing that stuff, I learned one thing though... it helps to talk with someone trained to listen. They pick up on things that others, such as friends would overlook. They seem to home in on what is beyond what you tell them to deeper deeper stuff and you just - get to the bottom of it all quicker - you reach yourself easier.
If you do see a professional, it doesnt happen overnight, but one day you just feel a great relief, you really do. And its like you actually feel your body relax and then at some time later you get the real relief of beginning to know how to tackle it within your mind. Please take the advice everyone here has offered - PLEASE TALK IT OVER WITH SOMEONE !
I have to say that I still think about my experiences from time to time, but there was a time when it was every single day non stop ! My mind was BUSY with that stuff. Now its every few weeks (hmm maybe now every few months) for a few hours, I am glad I still think of it. I know that others have been through what you went through, and I know something about what they are feeling when they say it. It has therefore made me perhaps more human to have gone through it myself

 

definitely find someone to talk with! Even if you have to pay them for their time. Don't worry so much about what feels good to you. It might have something to do with your past, or it might just feel good (lots of guys like anal play and aren't gay, it's okay to do what feels good, really). The guilt about doing it might be the only role the past plays. That you are still angry about this means he still has power over you. Take your power back! You have to stop it from hurting you any more. The past is over and done with. You can't change what happened years ago, or even just last month. Yes, it's made a big impact on who you are today, but it's up to you what sort of impact that is, whether it helps you be more compassionate of others or whether it turns you into an abusive prick is your choice to make. You can't worry about what other people think about you, all you can do is try to be the kind of person you would look up to and admire. Starting today. Just take it one day at a time. Get through today without hurting people, and without letting the past hurt you. Then tackle tomorrow when it gets here.

 

lisen up when i was 15 i was riding a motocross bike and had lots of pubes hairs and if i wanted to suck another guys penis "i would" if not i would tell him to take the bus or get out of my face. and your not the only 1 who play with cousing at age 6. and i hope no one writes another of this bullshit stories.

 

matter of fact a female cousing play a similar one on me at 9 or 10 "dont remenber the exact age long ago lol" but i dont go around going "oh my world is falling apart becouse i play doctor at age ....... you fill the blank .

 

Nature made us so at age 12 or 13 we we ready to have kids so [practice started early until we invented religion "even with religion folks used to get marry at 13" .

 

if we had Mr Bush for another 4 years the legal age of consent would be raised to 27 year old .

 

Good grief your thought process and English are so bassackwards I can't understand anything you have to say in all 4 of your incoherent consecutive posts.

 

That's what I was thinking.

 

i keep my stuff rather short if you cant read between lines that tough many other can i willing to argue with those who can . you wanta graded as a F in grammer let it be = The Beatles.

 

Same for you

 

F in grammer sounds about right. So what are you arguing? You think it is ok for adults to sexually impose themselves on kids because they should know better? What happens at 6 effects how you are at 15 and so on. Kids the same age experimenting is not the same as a 30 year old taking advantage of a 15 year old through manipulation.

 

nothing in the original post mention a 30 year old . now i think Mr Bush butt fuck you allready

 

Be sure to come back around once you grow up and can make sense.

 

who in the right mind wants to gtow up and become another boring adult. short after you die anyway.