Sexual men, romantic women

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by ClearSkies, Jul 25, 2013.

  1. ClearSkies

    ClearSkies Member

    Hi everyone,

    I'm new to this site but I really wanted to ask this question that has been burning on my mind for quite some time now. I just recently started to accept my bisexuality but one thing confuses me. I started realizing that as much as I enjoy having sex with guys, I have little to no romantic interest in them. Also though I want to date a woman, I lack any sexual attraction to most women.

    Though I think I may know why: I have yet to come out yet as bi so it might be easy for me to not want a romantic male partner. Also I have horrible luck with women lol so I think I just deny sexual attraction to avoid getting hurt.

    What do you guys think? Or what do you think I should do to fix this?
  2. monkjr

    monkjr Senior Member

    Assuming your an emancipated adult...move to a region of society where it's completely fine to come out of the closet.

    It's also possible that you just like guys, and simply enjoy the companionship of women.

    I should tell you I'm straight, so I'm only speculating and to major degree can't relate to your situation. But I hope you find my response helpful.
  3. Cherea

    Cherea Senior Member

    I can sort of relate, though I'm the other way around. I'm mostly sexually attracted to women, mostly romantically interested in men. *However*, this isn't a hard and fast rule.

    This is the part of your post that most interested me. I have never come out as anything, so I'm default straight. Especially since my attraction to men is mostly curiosity up to this point.

    It turns out, I'm in a very intense emotional relationship with a woman at the moment. But, prior to meeting her, I was dead certain I was going to fall in love with a man.

    Had that happened, I was going to come out my own way. Which is basically, by casually letting people know about my partner.

    I'm against this whole gathering the family around the dinner table coming out scenario. It's nobody's business.

    Welcome to the club of, oh-I-would-say 98-odd% of men.

    This is very foreign to me. I don't even know how it could be done that I'd deny sexual attraction to someone. Sexual attraction to me is in-your-face and blatant.
  4. jonny2mad

    jonny2mad Senior Member

    I'm not sure you can deny sexual attraction, I think somewhere you will find a guy you want to have a relationship with or a women you find sexy, thats about your only hope finding a person of either sex you want both for .

    you could have sex with men and have a relationship with women but that sounds pretty tricky anyway good luck
  5. ClearSkies

    ClearSkies Member

    When I say deny sexual attraction what I meant was acknowledging that I find them sexually attractive but do not act on it any more than just acknowledging it.

    And yes I am 21-years old
  6. Quiet Storm

    Quiet Storm Member

    You aren't bi, you are gay, and please don't date women -- to lead them on and maybe have their feelings hurt down the line.

    You "lack any sexual attraction to most women" I dated a guy just like you. Just be real with yourself.
  7. drumminmama

    drumminmama Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

    Not necessarily, quiet storm.

    If his best romantic relationships are with women, an asexual, or demisexual woman might do just fine.
  8. Quiet Storm

    Quiet Storm Member

    He enjoys having sex with men, as he said. So he would desire it --- if he were with any woman, regardless of her sexuality.
  9. jonny2mad

    jonny2mad Senior Member

    Actually rereading this does sound homosexual, not sure really why you would want to date women in a romantic way .

    you might find a women who wasnt interested in sex at all but your more likely to find one that's annoyed you dont fancy her and are sleeping with guys.

    your also likely to find ones that want to change you which they wont
  10. ClearSkies

    ClearSkies Member

    I'll try to break this down more...

    I like girls. I have my whole life. I want a girlfriend, I still to this day have strong feelings for my best friend. The issue is every time I like a girl, they reject me. I've gotten so use to this that I just reject my feelings for them to avoid getting hurt. Because of this, my sexual drive towards women have hindered as well.

    It's different with guys because as of yet I have no romantic interest in them and my sexual advances have yet to be rejected so it's easier for me to keep going on this path. However a few of the guys I messed around with wanted a relationship and I just wasn't feeling it.
  11. ClearSkies

    ClearSkies Member

    To say I am gay is to ignore my history of female crushes, including the one I have for my best friend now. If homosexuals for whatever reason still wanted to have girlfriends, get married to a woman and raise a family with a woman then by all means I am homosexual.

    I don't "lead them on" because if anything I'm the one who gets lead on, unfortunately. I'm not dating these women because when I do ask for a date I normally get rejected or "we're just friends".

    I'm sorry about the guy you dated but this is different. If I were to date a woman who I loved and who loved me I would have NO PROBLEM with the sex. It's all an emotional thing. I don't flat out not want to have sex with women. I do, but I need an emotional attachment to them first.
  12. Quiet Storm

    Quiet Storm Member

    I have NEVER in my life had sex with a woman because I was rejected by a man...or at all, because I have no sexual desire for a woman.
    So let's stop using that as an excuse.
    There's never any circumstance in my life that makes me say, I'm going to sleep with a woman. ...because it's just not in me.
    See what I'm saying?

    If you want a man, be with a man, if you want a woman -- with the whole, romance, compatibility -- then you're gonna have to suck it up till you meet the right one. Every woman is not going to reject you.

    There are LOTS of men married to women who are GAY. Some lead a double life, some have come out about it down the line and told their wife -- there are lots of scenarios. But it does happen.

    I'm still questioning why you have to have emotional attachment to a woman to have sex, but can have sex with men who mean nothing to you?
    ....Gay, bi or straight, that's just odd to me.

    One way or another, you have to figure out what you really want and pursue it.

  13. ClearSkies

    ClearSkies Member

    My dear you are completely missing the point.

    I am not having sex with men BECAUSE of my rejection from women. I am having sex with men because I enjoy having sex with men AND would also enjoy having sex with women were it not for all the rejection. I avoid women to avoid getting hurt, yet I still want the romance if an when it comes up.

    Please understand, just because YOU have never been in this situation does not mean that this situation is impossible. I am well aware of the gay man marrying a women scenario. However this is not the case.

    As for your last question; I see my desire for the genders differently. The reason I can have sex with men without emotional attachment is the same reason men can have sex with you without needing any emotional attachment. It's just sex. Sure if I met a guy I wanted a relationship with, then great.
    On the other hand, I want an emotional attachment with a woman out of preference. Same reason you may want to have sex with a man you really care about. Claiming my past and recent romantic interests is not an excuse, it is a fact of consideration.

    What I want is to be with someone I love; sex to me is just sex. It's not necessarily a major part of a relationship. It may be for some people but I was never much one for fitting in. Anyways, I really hope you can understand my views at this point. Otherwise we are at a loss between our different experiences.
  14. ClearSkies

    ClearSkies Member

    What frustrates me is this...
    I say: "I enjoy having sex with guys but I lack emotional attraction."
    You say: "Oh don't worry you'll meet a guy you'll fall in love with one day."
    I say: "I really want a relationship with women but I lack sexual attraction."
    You say: "No sexual attraction? Stop lying to yourself, you're gay."
  15. Quiet Storm

    Quiet Storm Member

    I do understand your point.
    So why do woman reject you and not a man? What is it about you?
    That seems to be your biggest concern.

    As for me, I don't have sex with someone I don't have feelings for, I
    don't sleep around. I really don't. (meaning, I don't allow a
    man to just have sex with me either) I just can't. I (he and I)
    have to be in love. I have a great self worth and don't believe I should
    be passed around or shared. I have my days where I get flirty
    in some of my comments on here, but that's as far as it goes.
    Sex is 100 million times better with someone you love and have
    intimacy with - when you know what makes them tick, what turns
    them on -- all of their emotional inclinations.
    Just having sex -- leaves you feeling pretty empty.

    ....I was just going by what 'you' said in regards to
    what frustrates you in my replies.
    What kind of woman do you want? Someone who will accept that
    you sleep with men for pleasure? Someone who doesn't mind you
    getting an erection at the sight of a man while they are lying
    next to you? It's a hard thing to deal with. But there are woman
    who do and can.

    I think if you want to attract a certain type of person, you
    have to set standards for yourself now....I still stand by the fact
    that you blame being rejected by women to do certain things.

    I'm just or not -- quit whining about being rejected
    and go after what you want.
  16. ClearSkies

    ClearSkies Member

    There is a girl I want... She's really amazing. My rejection normally comes from my lack of confidence which comes from rejection (vicious cycle).

    And yes I do feel empty just sleeping around (I don't do it often but when I do...). I enjoy it as a sexual release. I have yet to have sex with someone I love. My last girlfriend I liked but never had that connection.

    I don't want to whine and I apologize itlf it seems that way. It's just upsetting, ya know?
  17. Cherea

    Cherea Senior Member

    I doubt that very much.

    This is not the attitude of someone who has great self-worth. You see sex as something that is done to you, rather than something you do yourself. I sooner think that you need someone as a crutch and their validation instead of pursuing your desires independently.

    Have fun deceiving yourself! ;)
  18. kokujin

    kokujin Senior Member

    good luck.
  19. Quiet Storm

    Quiet Storm Member

    oh you're angry.
    eh, too bad.
    I'm glad you think you have me figured out, when you're confused about your own self, Dr. Phil. Good luck, like the last guy wrote.


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