Hello everyone. I've been in a bit of a funk lately, so I'm trying to understand/express what's on my mind. My wife and I have been married for nearly 10 years (no kids), but we haven't had sex in about 8 years. We dated for over 2 years before we go married, and the quality and quantity of sex during that time was unbelievable. Right after we got married, it quickly declined. She would frequently get yeast infections and believed that having sex caused them. However, she still got them years after we stopped having sex. She became so apprehensive about having sex, she would tense up, making sex uncomfortable and causing soreness afterwards, which caused her to become even more apprehensive. When we briefly moved in with my parents about a year later, it all came to a screeching halt. She seemed paranoid about them hearing us and couldn't get in the mood, which just added to our existing issues. In the several months we lived with them, we had sex maybe twice. When we finally moved out and into our new home, I specifically remember having sex once in celebration, and I think that was the last time. That was almost 8 years ago. She remains convinced that there is something physically wrong. We've tried a few times in the last few years, and I can always tell she's super tense. I barely get my tip in, and she says it hurts. I've tried to be understanding and sympathetic if there is indeed a physical issue, but she has never seen a doctor about this, despite years of saying she's going to. She's open to the suggestion that it might be a psychological issue, but again, has not sought help. I'm even open to the idea that it's something to do with me, but she says it's not. Whether physical or psychological, I'm certain we can figure out how to make it work, but at this point she has zero interest in any sexual activity. The rare blowjob I get is done as a favor or to shut me up. I don't mean to pressure her, but I still feel I should periodically express that I'm not happy with the situation and need something to change. She says things will change, but they never do. I would hate to sound like an asshole who is demanding sex from his wife, but it's more that I'm disappointed that she's not doing anything to change the situation. We do love each other very much. We have an otherwise amazing life together. She's the one I want, but I get frustrated that I can't have her in that way. Every time the subject of sex comes up, she goes right to asking if I'm thinking of leaving her or having an affair, rather than actually focusing on fixing the problem. I assure her that I'm not going to do any such thing, but I'm afraid her relief then prevents her from feeling a strong need to change anything. I certainly don't want to issue threats or ultimatums. I realize there are probably underlying issues, and this is likely much more complicated than I realize. Obviously, we may need to explore that, and it looks like I may need to be the one to initiate seeking professional help. Years of frustration and false hope are growing into resentment, and I don't want that. I know there's no easy answer anyone can give, but I at least wanted to get all this out.
8 years and she's never talked about painful penetration and frequent infection with her doctor? Horse shit. You know it worked before. There's a lot more to peeling this onion. I'm surprised that you've held on for so long with only an infrequent pity blowjob. Lay it on the line, this is not normal behavior, she needs to see a doctor to determine IF there is a physical issue and you both need some counseling otherwise the wheels will completely fall off this relationship. Growing resentment? Shit, I'd be just plain pissed off, no you're not being an ass. And as I have been known to say - she would be the first to go bitching and whining to her girlfriends....."oh why oh why would he cheat.....? Methinks it's wedding cake syndrome....
I felt like I was in a sexless marriage. My ex husband only lasted about 60 seconds on average. Plus he was smaller than average. That’s not what caused the divorce, but it didn’t help
12 years of being in a relationship and 2/3rds of it is sexless? Because why? Yeast infections? Not. Okay freddy are you ready for this? I'm going to be pretty blunt here and you may become offended. Apologies extended at the onset. But then you won't be offended if you don't come back to this forum to see this response. So here goes. Do you really love this woman? If so then step up and speak your mind to her. Not to us here on this forum but to her. You have to put the pressure on her. It's for her own good. Your wife a long developing phobia relating to discomfort with sexual relations as a whole. The woman needs deep psychological counseling and medical intervention. I know it, you know it, everybody who reads this knows it. Trouble is she is unable to come to grips with this fact she needs help. She has a deep rooted fear about sex which may be based on actual issues she is afraid of knowing about. She makes excuses to avoid it and these excuses are accepted by you therefore she doesn't have to take action to find a solution. As long as she can avoid the issue it's not going to change with her. Especially after 8 plus years of denial. She's been able to avoid it all this time and with the excuses being her crutch you leave her alone. She can control you, not expose the real issue, and keep you in check this way. This issue is your fault because you don't love her enough. If you did this issue would be looked into. That is something you need to push her to do. That is if you really love her. Can you do that? If so read on. Now the hard part. Freddy you have to step up and make a stand and decide what you really want and stop fussing around about it. You should take your wife out to dinner, a car ride, to the park, or out for a walk and explain to her your needs. You must be forceful and not let her speak or control the conversation. She has to hear what you feel about this and you can't let her take over the conversation with her excuses. This has to be one sided, possibly a lecture, telling her where you are coming from AND IT HAS TO BE BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER. (Sorry I yelled at you) You have to force her to choose and make a life time choice not a okay for now choice. No more excuses otherwise you move on with your life for your own health and well being (if that's what you really want). There's a lot of choices she will have to make and you have to force her to make those choices. She has to seek medical intervention and psychological counseling to determine why she avoids sex and you must help her. But do it because you love her. Regardless of what you want this is a mandatory choice for her own health and well being. There's no excuse available to avoid the subject anymore. It cannot be avoided. She also has to choose the way in how both of you relate in this marriage. You have to decide this as well. After this conversation it'll be up to her and if she doesn't take action you must and she must accept your decision. Otherwise you have to take action in order to take care of yourself. If you don't 8 years from now you'll be posting the same shit on a different forum.
When I was in a sexless marriage it was horrible. I got migraine headaches several times a week. I was wondering what you are doing about yours. One thing I did not do but thinking back I wish I had done was this. I should have sat us both down and said, we took vows at the wedding, I know we didn't mention sex but sex is very necessary to me a human being. Humans are sexual creatures and we are lacking greatly in this area. I need an answer from you now or very soon on exactly what we should do. I cannot live my life in constant extreme need. Not only is it very uncomfortable but it is debilatating for me. We must solve OUR problem. I certainly wish I'd have said those exact words instead of living a mightmere for so long. What steps have you taken and what has changed.
Sounds like a guy that married my friend, they were early twenties. Both very attractive. Divorced after 5 years, cause according to him was she never wanted to have sex, same thing, yeast infections. They did have a baby 2 years in. He was married in no time and she has been single ever since, 30 plus years. My honest opinion is she is gay, I have no proof but she is still very attractive. And she moved downtown.
Although I believe this is a one-n-done poster, I believe it is a real situation, but as most of us do we leave out our part that may add to the problem, so with that in mind and so much time has gone by, and many failed attempts at having an open conversation together on the issue, seeking live counseling is the only answer, the OP should even go on his own to at least learn how to best talk to his wife about participating in the counseling, then go from there. Nothing more can be fixed here.
I pulled the eject button on my first marriage like that. I was down to getting pity sex like 2-3 times a year. It didn’t help that mine was a bitch also though.
I echo the others - you have to share your raw feelings with your wife. I think when people talk about sexless marriages/relationships, it sounds very sterile and cold - like the mechanics of sex is what you’re only missing. No, you’re missing intimacy and affection in a way that only sex can convey, sometimes. Her lack of interest to please you only has nothing to do with yeast infections, so there’s something more to this. You’re missing your wife in that way and she needs to hear it. I’m not an advocate for divorce but I’m not an advocate for marriages becoming prison sentences. You both love each other but it sounds like you’ve become roommates who love each other but not intimacy. If she gets angry when you try to approach her about this, too bad. If you stopped telling her you loved her, she would be upset. Marriage is a two way street and if she loves you, she needs to listen. At least listen. Good luck and prayers for you guys.
After reading this it is pretty obvious that sex is not one of the top priorities in your life. So continue on that way for another 10 years and enjoy. If it were me I would be gone shortly after the sex stopped because it is a very important function in my life. Good luck.
My wife is starting to go through the same thing she says she keeps getting UTIs I don’t know how I’m going to handle this.
