Sex will always be a problem for me

I'M BACK!

and im not a virgin anymore. i use to be embarrased about sex and avoided everything having to do with it. well, i did it and the embarrassment is still there, along with new problems.

I've been with my boyfriend fer a little more than 2 months now. we had sex a little bit ago. it hurt a lotttt. and all the times after our first time it hurt. now it doesn't hurt that much, but i dont feel ANYTHING. no pleasure, no nothing. i feel it in me, just like anyone would feel a popcicle in their mouth. i do get this weird sensation with deep penetration, and i think its suppose to feel good, but i HATE it. it makes me cringe.

and i still feel weird about having sex. i still feel embarrassed and hesitant to do it. he always says 'well, we've done it before, why are you so worried?' and i just dont know. i dont like it. thinking about it makes me nauseous and doing it giving me panic attacks.

BTW i do have severe panic disorder, so this just makes me not wanna do it more, knowing i'll get a panic attack when its over.

Am i just doomed fer my sexual life?

 

I can't know for sure, of course, but my strong suspicion is that this is in your head. You've felt a little weird about sex for a while now, and you don't think of it as a pleasurable thing - in fact, it sounds like you're still pretty freaked out about it - so your head isn't letting you have fun with it.

That's too bad, but it's totally something you can get over!

I have a friend who had the exact same problem as you. She'd had a bad experience with sex that made her associate sex with bad things, so when she tried to have sex with her boyfriend it wasn't any fun for her and she'd get really anxious about it. (Including a panic attack the first two times she tried!) It took her a while - and it took a really wonderful, patient boyfriend, too - but now she likes sex. (To be honest, I'm not sure she'll ever love it - but she does have fun with it now.)

(Not that I'm implying you had a bad experience with sex! I have no idea what your history is like. That's just my friend.)

Your boyfriend has a LOT to do with this, so if you don't feel comfortable talking to him really honestly about it, he may not be the right guy for this stage of your life. If you're going to learn to like sex, it's going to have to be with a guy you really care about and who really cares about you and is willing to take lots of time and patience with you. (Heck, for all I know the reason you don't like sex right now is that this guy just sucks in bed!)

Lots and lots of foreplay is definitely a good idea. Does he go down on you? If he doesn't, he should learn fast. And remember that it's YOUR sex; you can have it however you want to!

Good luck, honey. Keep us posted!

 

you are one of the most nicest people on this post! my last post, i had people yelling at me!

i think its all in my head too because i have a lot of problems with vulnerability and stuff like that. like paranoia, ie. my panic disorder. i just dont know what to do

i did kind of have a bad experience when i was 9. idk.

and i love this kid to death. hes my first love and id hope he felt the same about me like he says. hes been so helpful and so patient. im most comfortable with him cause, hey! he got me in the sack! lol

and i feel really weird with guys doing stuff to me. hes never fingered me or went down on me or anything, i feel to embarrased. ive done stuff to him but im not someone who is use to accepting stuff, just giving stuff. i've always been like that.

 

Oh, I'm sorry people were mean...People can be jerks on the internet.

I'm so happy to hear the boy is so great, though! That's gonna be a huge help. Give him a hug for me, 'cause we need more boys like him.

The first thing I'd do is make yourself let him go down on you! I had to kinda get past thinking I was gross down there, or I'd smell bad or something - lots of girls do, because we're all taught that it's gross - but you gotta remember that guys don't care. Guys love pussy. Just like I love cum, even though by any normal standards it's totally disgusting. (And having had sex with a girl before, I can assure you that pussies taste WAY better than cum. Seriously.)

Take a shower right before you see him - that'll make you feel less self-conscious about it. And then just squinch your eyes shut and ask him to go down on you. It's okay for him to just concentrate on giving you pleasure some of the time! I bet he won't mind at all.

Another thing that really helped me get more comfortable with sex: at first I always thought of it like this: penetration is the point. Foreplay is something you do before penetration. After penetration you're done. But later on I started thinking about it differently: it's all just hanging out and making each other feel good. Sometimes sex is involved at some point. Sometimes it isn't. It takes a lot of pressure off you, because you're not constantly thinking "Okay, whatever I'm doing right now...sex is coming!" You can just focus on whatever you're doing right now.

I don't know exactly what kind of stuff you're into, so you'll have to feel out the specifics for yourself. I usually end up with him in my mouth sometimes, and just jerking him off sometimes, and he goes down on me sometimes, and sometimes we have sex for a while and then take a break and do something else for a while...he loves it because he ends up feeling good for a lot longer than he would have if we'd just had sex and been done with it.

(And you sometimes get into this really comfortable-feeling haze eventually where you feel like you can tell each other anything, which is where we've ended up trying all kinds of kinky stuff. Some of which were great, and others we ended up laughing hysterically and saying "Wow, that was stupid".)

Just think of it like playing.

I know it's all easier said than done. And I'm so sorry to hear you had something bad happen. More people than you would ever imagine have had to work through things like that, so you're far from alone. I promise it can be done.

 

I have the same problem. I feel nothing during sex and don't get anything out of it. Nothing has changed, and now i absolutely hate sex and everything about it because of it.

 

If it's a physical thing (i.e, not prompted by any psychological issues) then you may want to experiment with different herbs. Maca root and ginkgo biloba are believed to help support the libido. If herbs don't help, talk with your gynocologist. He or she will figure out the root of the problem and take it from there. Good luck.

 

I've been to a GYN and she told me to have oral sex all the time. Besides, I am poor and do not have any health insurance, therefore if there is any medication or treatment out there to help me I don't have the means to get it. Most docs don't care about your sex l ife if its not something that is life threatening then they just tell u to live with it. So until I get a good job with benefits I hate sex and everything about it because I don't enjoy it. I'll just learn to live with it.

 

im sorry rasberry, that sounds awful. maybe you knowing that yer not covered it making it not as good fer you.
yea, hes good.
and idk about that. im not comfortable with that. i hate it. lol and i give him such grief about it that i can only imagine him doing it back.
ive taken showers before and i still wouldn't, id just feel so weird and open. ive never had someone just concentrate on me.. id feel wayyyy to weird.
thats also how i think too. sex is the only thing i think is ok. everything else is weird and gross. i mean, i'll do other stuff to him once in a while but thats it.
i dont like playing. i like to get it over with. it makes me feel weird, and sometime nauseous.
yea, i got over what happened to me, but i think it left lasting effects.

 

Rasberry - if we're talking about different herbs that aren't covered by insurance...pot's pretty good. I have amazing orgasms when I'm high.

Your gyno told you to have oral sex all the time? That's weird.

Easier - yeah, I'd say it sounds like it left lasting effects. I'm so sorry some people are so evil.

Here's another thing that might be a good idea: do you girls masturbate? Because you really should. Get yourself a nice vibrator. Every girl should own a vibrator! Maybe if you can get comfortable having orgasms alone, it'll help you have orgasms with him.

Your assignment is to try masturbating! (lol) Both of you! Don't tell us how it went in too much detail - no sense in this thread turning into masturbation fodder for the guys on the forum - but try it!

 

i have masturbated, and i think cause i have it makes me feel weirder about being with someone else.
idk why, how i get all horny when i masturbate, i think i'd feel embarrassed acting like that in front of someone else.

 

Well, humph. I was hoping that would help! lol

It's such a shame you feel uncomfortable acting "all horny" (*grin*) around your boyfriend, because I guarantee he'd LOVE it.

Here's a question: what do you fantasize about when you get yourself off? Generally the more turned on you are, the more honest your brain will be. Are your fantasies very different from how sex usually goes for you?

 

very different.
in my thoughts, im a crazy horny woman and he does like it. idk why im so introverted and embarrassed in bed.

 

Well, it's not like you're the first woman to wish she was wilder and more confident in bed. You're like the billionth.

But the fact that you're like that in your fantasies makes me think that you kinda wish you could get more like that, yeah? That sex was more enjoyable for you? In which case...it would really help if you could talk yourself into doing some things that are a little uncomfortable for you. Like letting him go down on you.

Let me ask you this: have you had this conversation with him? Told him what you've told us? I mean like "I really like you, and I wish I had more fun during sex - it's not your fault that I don't - it's just hard for me to relax and feel comfortable with my body." I know he's wonderful and supportive, but I'm not sure how much you've really told him.

(You don't have to tell him about what happened when you were nine unless you want to - he doesn't have to know WHY you're a little embarrassed in bed.)

 

haha thats cool.
and i do wish it could be more enjoyable and i could be more relaxed. i so wish i could just be normal. i haven't tryed talking myself into enjoying it, thats what i was gonna try today, we've both been anticipating this fer, like, a week lol either today or tomorrow. just trying to be like this feel good, this feels good. show it, this feels good. ya know?
and i have talked to him about this. ive showed him this thread and me and him were both looking up on the internet 'how to be sexier in bed' fer me lol. he also had problems cumming in the beginning of our sex life. he just wouldnt, and we'd be going fer like an hour and he wouldn't be close.. and i kinda think its my fault, how i act.

 

Babe, I'm so impressed with the way you're handling this. Talking to him about it and showing him this thread is awesome. I wish all women who were self-conscious about sex were as proactive and honest as you are about it.

When you're really committed to being honest in bed - like you said, "this feels good, show it", etc. - sometimes it can be a little awkward or embarrassing to say things, so be prepared for it - and be ready to laugh sometimes, because...well, sometimes it's funny. I've tried some new positions where we end up in these awkward messes, saying "You know what? I feel like a retard and this isn't working at ALL." You just have to laugh.

(Hey, boyfriend - if you happen to read this - go down on her and don't take no for an answer.)

It might be your fault that he had issues cumming at first, but it could be about a million other things as well, so I wouldn't worry about that.

 

yea, i was hesitant but he just told me that he loves me and we both know a ton of embarrassing stuff about each other along with other stuff and we need to be open and honest. so i showed him. and i talk to him about it all the time.
we have laughed and said this doesn't work before, i just dont get into it sexually, i just dont get horny.
he read what you said about how he sounds like a good guy, and he said he liked you haha and then he pointed at the going down on her part, and he said you should listen to her, she's very wise loll but idk. i dont want him too.
and out of the many times we've had sex, he only came once.

 

Only once? Poor guy! Maybe some playing around will help you both.

Tell him I like him too. And I'll like him even more after he spends half an hour going down on you.

Keep us posted on how it goes! By now I'm, like, personally invested in your orgasms. lol

And don't forget that it's a long process, too - don't expect to have instant awesome sex just because you've decided to talk about it. It could take a while.

 

so, me and him had sex twice yesterday.
it hurts so BADDD, no matter how much lube we use. and i see how sex can be pleasureable but its covered up by pain! i also get this weird burning uti pain ok i have to pee, ya know? like you pee, it burns.. and it continues burning like you still have to pee. thats what i get during sex, and im afraid i will lol
you are helping me SOO MUCHH you have no idea. it actually started to feel a little good cause of my mind trick! i've started going down on him more and ive been more sexy and playful. thank you!!!!!!!!!

 

Having an orgasm is not the problem. I can easily orgasm with a vibrator or rubbing my clit up against something. But penetration itself still doesn't feel good to me. It sux. So therefore, I hate sex.

 

I have seriously considered committing suicide over this problem.