Hello everyone, a thought has been going through my head recently. How do you feel about the "reason" behind sex? Do you always need committment or connection, or can you do it just out of fun? Although I have a very high sexual drive and can fantasize a lot, I can't have the real thing without some kind of connection. At the age of 25, I've had it with two people who also happen to be the only two relationships I've had. Fantasizing, spicy chats, even webcams: ok, no limits. Real thing: there has to be a good reason. Other people I know can have sex just out of fun, without ever regretting one-night stands or quick flings. They just consider it a fun activity between consenting adults and they don't see any reason to deny the pleasure that comes from it. Especially if they're single and not cheating on anyone. I wonder where all this comes from: if it's just a different innate attitude, or if it's something related to or culture or to our upbringing.
Thanks for raising this issue. I think this question - of each person's individual perspective on both the nature and purpose of sex, as well as its effects - is often overlooked when people discuss norms of behavior. Many threads focus on "how many partners or what activities make you a slut" instead of acknowledging that the underlying viewpoint determines everything. Some feel that it's strictly physical gratification, like eating a bag of potato chips, while others thnk of it as a soul-bonding act deserving great reverance. Most fall in between, but the people at both extremes sure do spend a lot of energy yelling at anyone who disagrees with them! I personally find that I have to know and genuinely like a person before I'm ok becoming sexual with them. That rules out the bar pick-ups, random internet hookups, etc. for me. I don't apply any moral judgment to it, I would just feel really disgusted if I found out later that I had shared that experience with someone who ended up being a rotten person. I find that I form a real bond with my partners, and even if our paths don't cross for very long they remain as permanent fixtures in my psyche. For that reason, I'm careful about who I let into my sexual life. I don't want anyone littering up my inner landscape any more than life already does. My choices at this point are easy, though, since I'm married and monogamous with my wife. I do think that it's REALLY important to know your own perspective very well or you can run into a lot of trouble. You should never let anyone decide it for you, and you have to be careful to know where your partners are coming from too. When people are not on the same page, someone is likely to get hurt. Sometimes one person thinks they're having a special joining of souls, only to find out they were no more than a tasty but forgettable bag of chips.
dark_river: I have exactly your same view. For me it's a soul-bonding thing, giving my body to someone else is a big choice and I actually feel I'm "mixing" myself with someone else. That's why I need to have a connection and to like this person a lot. After my first relationship I thought: "Ok, now before I find something serious I need to fool around a little, just to scratch a few itches". Well, I never did. Next thing I did was starting another relationship. My boyfriend says that with me, yes, it's soul-bonding, a deep connection and stuff. But he did fool around in the past, and said *that* was just fun and getting rid of an urge. Oddly enough he's the one with more inhibitions in bed. Sometimes I wonder if I'm only finding excuses to make it more "worthy" to my eyes, or if it's just the way it is.
Well I wouldn't say I have sex just for fun. It's not necessary though either. Maybe it's greed or self gratification? Maybe I just like it? I've managed to feel connections with most people I've slept with.
When single I used to do it for fun, now being married, it's different. I'm sure if I was single again...... it would be for fun for a while
Given that I like a bit of dominance from a partner, trust is critical. I need a chance to feel out whether or not someone will actually stop if I need them to. A spanking can be fun, but a beating not so much, and everyone draws a line on that.
My goodness, i spent the years between 20 and 23 doing nothing shagging for fun! And it was fun. I repeated the exercise from about 35-40, but with waaaay less volume and waaaay more discerning selection criteria. One does grow up!! Everybody now and then needs "The Great Zipless Fuck" as Erica Jong put it. Sex in a relationship is often slightly less pure fun, but far more meaningful.
I have can't imagine having sex outside of a relationship. When I was younger, around 19, I had casual sex a few times and it just left me empty and unsatisfied. The moment was gone and so was the man, for the most part. There's something about the intimacy and knowing someone inside and out and what turns them on and makes them tick that is so much of a turn on to me. Knowing what pleases them or really gets them off like know one else could know gives me satisfaction, something you can't get with casual sex or one night stands. And it's not just them, it's the other person knowing ME and my body, how to turn me on, what I like and don't like - how to make me orgasm. Sharing and laughing together, there's nothing like it. So I'd rather hold out and wait for the relationship for those reasons and to add that I value myself. I'm a good woman, and a great lover -- why should I give it up easily? Then there is also my heavy conscience, the moral issues that I face in my mind...the ones that I was raised on -- which also makes it hard to be sexually care free. I'm a sexual person who wants to be in a relationship with another sexual person!
@Quiet_Storm: I completely agree with your view. As much as I can drool when I see an attractive person, it stops there. I am very sexual, but what I want is to know another person very deeply and share intimacy. Still now, I sometimes see people around and think "wow!", but then I know that no-one like my boyfriend knows what buttons to push and how to drive me mad. That's when fantasies about other people start to fade... But, also in response to @dark_river, I wonder why we feel a sense of guilt towards casual sex. I mean, as my boyfriend points out about his past, it's no-strings fun between consenting adults who both want the same thing. Nobody was tricking anybody, they met for sex, had a night (or even less) of fun and that was it. No promises, no talk, fun for the sake of it. Somehow I give more importance to sex than him: for him what matters are the very few people he had a relationship with, those with whom he shared more than a bed. Some of his flings, he can't even remember their names. For me sex is the ultimate sign of intimacy, if I have you will leave a mark forever in me. I think that they way I was raised (I come from a religious country, even though me and my family are not religious people) has an influence, always stating that sex has to be with the person you love. For me it's like that, but could it be some kind of "over-structure" culture has imposed on me? Not that I want to change my attitude, but I think it's really interesting to understand why people have different views on the topic.
ok i will be honest i skipped all the posts before the first couple because i am still trying to figure out one thing...are you saying you dont have sex for fun? because why do you have it?
Eheh absolutely not! Maybe the words in the title are not a good choice... I DO have sex for fun, of course. What I meant is that some people (like me) need to build a connection and to know the person before getting down to it; some other people can have casual sex with people they don't know (and will never get to know) just for the sake of it. I'm not judging either, neither saying one is good and one is bad. Just wondering about what's underneath it.
ahhh ok, the casual sex for me is not fun because i worry about std's and pregnancy or even if this girl has some scam planned and that is why she is easy. that is why i never had sex with someone i dont know well and why i always completely enjoyed it.
Sex can be had just for fun? Really, and not strictly so that my mom can be a grandmother? ! I guess I've been doing it wrong for awhile.
damn the least you can do for the pain you would be in 9 months later is enjoy the time up until you make your mom a grandma.
Yes you're right about that lol, looks like I've got a little catching up to do. So what are you guys doing later on tonight?
masturbating for fun. EDIT: that sounded bad, i mean it was like you were making an invitation and i turned it down because i would rather.......but that isnt it at all. its just that with having work tonite i have no time to travel.
Eeheh ok, I guess the title was very misleading and made me sound like a prudish monk. But not really what I meant
