I've been with my SO for 4 1/2 years. He's a very quiet guy, doesn't like any kind of conversation except to convey information. We pretty much don't talk at all, which is hard for me. I'm a social person and since we have a family I don't get out much. He doesn't even fight with me. I bring up something that makes me angry and he just listens, acknowledges, and moves on without speaking a word. I feel like I'm in a relationship with myself. Anytime we have a disagreement, we simply go with whatever he wants. At some point he suggested we share our sexual fetishes. When I told him mine, he laughed at me, which crushed my confidence. He tells me to tell him what I want, but when I do he rejects me, so I've stopped asking. At some point I was raped and felt bad about sex for a while, I needed a break from it, so he became distant. When I was ready for sex again, he rejected me again. So I stopped asking for sex. He started annoyingly tickling and poking/bugging me when he wanted my attention, which I did find funny at first, but it became so ridiculous I yelled at him eventually to keep his hands to himself. He stopped touching me altogether except when he wanted sex, in which case he reverts to the tickling and poking, again. Eventually I just give in because I hate being tickled, this isn't a joke to me. When we have sex, it's always routine. We either have sex in missionary, doggy, or me on top. Once a year, if I'm lucky, I get oral. I give him oral maybe 25 times a year, but I dislike it so I feel this is more than fair, especially considering how little he gives me. He will give me thorough oral sex if we have sex in 69, but I don't like this position because I don't like giving oral. I could live without oral. All sex is five minutes long, we never have sex more than once in a day, and we rarely have sex three times per month. I haven't been sexually satisfied in a very long time. He always rejects me if I initiate, he doesn't give me what I ask for, and he doesn't try to turn me on. Every time I've orgasmed I've given it to myself. I can't live without sex. A couple of months ago after we had gone to bed (to sleep) he told me to stop cuddling up to him, that we're not in the "honeymoon phase" anymore so I should sleep on my own side. Several weeks later he suggested I get my own blanket. Since I'm recently pregnant and uncomfortable most of the time, I don't mind being separate from him sometimes, but the lack of cuddling and kissing is really depressing me. I'm a bisexual but not allowed to have sex with anyone but him, he doesn't even want to try group sex. The answer is simply "no" with him, he considers it cheating. All I can think of is having sex with anyone but my boyfriend, he bores me so much. I do want to fix this, I tried discussing it with him, he got angry and didn't want to talk anymore. When I brought it up again, he claimed the problem wasn't anything to do with him. Seflish much? Last night I told him he was a lazy lover, he sulked all evening. I used to be quite upbeat, we used to have sex all the time. I used to enjoy promiscuous sex when I was single, and it never occurred to me that I would meet someone who could be so prude and stiff. He claims that the problem is me, but he doesn't even try to make me feel sexy, he never tells me I look nice. My efforts are being wasted when he doesn't breathe a word of approval to any outfit or makeup or hair or anything I do to look nice for him, but other men are offering me their phone numbers and I'm 6 months pregnant. I know that I am desirable, I wish he would acknowledge that. I used to be a talker who was always in the mood for a party, now I can barely get out of bed to make breakfast because I'm depressed and broken inside. Today I'm very pissed off, I feel like he's been ignoring my needs. Most nights I can get into bed naked and he doesn't even look. Not only is this hurting my feelings and confidence, he's making me feel undesirable, like I'm not worth pleasuring. I don't think he's cheating on me, and I'm quite certain he loves me. Sometimes we go through phases where we have a lot of sex and really enjoy ourselves, but I can't hang on for the rest of my life hoping for this once-a-year-a-thon that occurs like I'm waiting for my tax rebate. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
The problem is not you it is him. He isn't going to change and if you want a great sex life you need to move on. There are too many people in this world who will give you what you want and allow you to explore the other areas that you are interested in.. Good Luck Maggan and welcome to HF
Perhaps. Obviously I haven't wanted this which is why I've struggled to maintain my patience with him. But I realized that if we don't talk, touch, kiss, cuddle, or have sex, what's the point?
does he have asperger's or something? you really never thought you would meet someone "so prude and stiff" as to not want his girlfriend to cheat on him?
I don't think there is a point. That sounds horrible. It sounds like very subtle emotional abuse, to be honest. And I think its sad you sound like such a lively person yet you're so depressed. You should cut your losses now because these situations rarely if ever improve.
my stock answer is see a relationship counselor. even if he doesn't want to see someone, you can talk to a counselor (or therapist) unilaterally at least initially.
