SAHM problems

So I'm guessing some people reading the thread title might roll their eyes and think I'm crazy because they'd love to be a SAHM... I always thought I would too and I'm completely miserble. I'm going to start from the beginning, I don't really know who to vent my feelings to right now besides you guys, I need some mom advice. Ok, Chris started a business and it has been really sucessful. There is no reason for me to work whatsoever. At the moment we are living with his parents because we haven't found a house yet and are planning on staying here for a little while more (probably a year). Thats all fine but I feel so out of control and like I have no say EVER on ANYTHING. I always wanted to be a SAHM but when the opportunity came I wanted to work. The place I worked at the end of my pregnancy I loved. I was so happy. It wasn't about money, I worked in a bakery for a couple hours every week and honestly it saved my sanity. I was really looking forward to returning. Well, theres no way... I'm sure there could be a way but no one seems to care therefore I won't be working. Everyone wants me to stay home and take care of the kids by myself all day everyday and I can't leave the house because I don't drive. I don't like driving and I don't want to do it, theres a whole fear issue with it but I don't want to get into that at the moment. Croix will be going to preschool in June for a couple days a week. What I wanted to do was put Noah in too... but no one else agreed on that (living with the inlaws they are having a say in everything too). Everyone seems to think its in Noah's best intrest to stay home. I personally see many reasons for him to go... the poor kid needs interaction. He has no friends and relys completely on his older brother for everything. He wants so badly to go too. When we toured a school Noah ran off with the other kids and had a ball, all he kept saying was he wanted to go to school. PLUS, to top it all off I need some alone time, time to bond with Riley. I never get a quiet moment. Anyway, I'm going to go on. I feel under pressure all the time. I feel like I have to be perfect, be doing a million things at once for everyone because I feel like I'm on stage... everyone is watching me all the time... I never do good enough. After the baby I got really depressed and retreated into myself alot. When I did that Chris's mom got upset with me and had a talk with me. It made me feel horrible. I know she didn't mean for it to be that way, she needed to talk to me but now I feel scared all the time like I have to be happy and on top of everything so she won't be upset with me. Now, back to the whole house situation... all I want, more than anything is to be on our own. I would feel sooooooo much more comfortable. I'm loved and welcomed here and get along great with everyone but I still don't feel at home. On top of all this I don't get out much, don't talk to many people and I never have alone. I'm just so uncomfortable in every aspect of my life. I started drinking alot. I know, bad thing to do. I don't get smashed when I drink I drink maybe 2 drinks and go to bed (never do it while my kids are up) but I do this every night. I realized this week the moment I put all the kids to bed I'm running for a drink. My worst fear is becoming my father who was an alcoholic. I really didn't want to write that last part, I may end up taking it out. I don't know what else to say, I'm going crazy and feeling like I have to be someone else all the time for everyone. I don't think any of it will change. Maybe I just have a post partum really bad.

 

Oh. *hugs*


That really sounds like a bad situation. It really is difficult living with your inlaws. They are older, claim to be more experienced, your're just the young mother, and they kind of tread you like their child. blah. But: they are YOUR kids. If your little one wants to go to school, you want to let him go, then let him go. It's not your inlaws decision.
It may be more conveniant to stay there financially wise, but it's not good for your soal, sista! Maybe you and your man should go and seek more for a house or an appartment, at least until you find something better.

Is there no way you can get out? No busses? Nothing in walking distance? Some local clubs or groups you could go to? even if they are not your thing, at least you would get out a few times in the week, and see different people.

Maybe you should try to talk to your inlaws about boundaries and personal space. How far do you want them to invade your families space? Make clear to them what you want. Your the mama, you have the right to make your decisisions for your children, together with your man.
How are you living with them? Do you share all rooms, or do you have your own space? Maybe you just need time alone.

And the most important thing: lay off the booze. For your own sake, and for your childrens sake. It's ok to have a drink once in a while, but not two drinks every night. If you have trouble sleeping, try meditating, lay off the stress of your daily routine like a dirty piece of clothes, before going to bed

Maybe you should also seek some counseling. It has been of great help to me when things just tend to get too much. A little help from outside to sort the thoughts in your brain.

I hope you feel better soon

*Huuuuugs*

 

(((Hugs))))....should say this is Moominmamma not Moominpappa but shhhhh! I'm banned I just sneak in here to check to see if Holly's had her baby from time to time.

Okay I have been where you have been many years ago, living with inlaws and in my opinion the best thing you can do is to get out. Talk to Chris, explain that for your sanity and the childrens well being you need to find somewhere else to live...I know exactly what you mean about have to permanently pretending to be happy and on display, it's not good for you...with three young children you need to have days when you just do nothing and let them crawl all over you, to be a happy mamma you need to be able to be yourself.

I think once you have a private life lots of other things will slot into place, like what to do about Noah. Maybe you could find somewhere to live within walking distance of things? I can't drive and that's what I did with my three, found parent and toddler groups close enough to home to walk too...mind you I live in the UK where everything is on a smaller scale.

You could have post-partum, and might want to get that checked, but you seem to have enough tough things going on in your life to make you feel low ...I know I still remember my mother-in-law lecturing me on buying the wrong size of banana LOL.

And you know that you have to lay off the booze. Changing your bedtime routine would be good. Is Chris home so that you could have a relaxing bath without having to worry about the kids? I know that he works hard, but so do you and it is such early days since having Riley, that you need extra support.

Many hugs to you.....

 

get yourself checked for post-partum. sometimes, as in my case, stress in my life made it so much worse until i was unable to leave the house without someone holding my hand and so on. it was wretched. i didn't even have the pscyho MIL to stress over, either. being a SAHM is really hard, and people don't understand the mental toll it takes. you never have time in your own skin, and people expect you to be hanging from the rafters in joy just because you're not in the 9 to 5 grind. so you never get any respect, you get resentment and unrealistically high expectations. it's horrible. i'm tired of it, i'm going back to work. maybe then i'll get a little respect and help with the house as well as some time when i don't have to share every inch of my skin with another human being 24/7. if it's not the baby, it's the toddler. if it's neither of them, it's the husband. i feel like my skin is on fire.

 

awww! (((((((((hugs!!!)))))))))


We lived with my parents for the 1st 6 months of my son's life as well. It was the toughest strain of our marriage and parenting to date. Those extra voices "helping" you with your decisions are enough to drive you mad, aren't they? My husband & I slept in the basement, but because of fire codes my son had to live upstairs... in my sisters bedroom. I would wake up mornings to find myself painfully engorged with milk, and my mom upstairs trying to comfort him... because she'd turned the baby monitor off so I could "get the sleep you so desperately needed!" I think the breaking point for us was the night a circuit breaker snapped and my mom came running down the stairs & ran OVER MY HUSBAND to reset it. You'd think she could have called for us to trip it as we were right there, right??? Nope, we couldn't be trusted with something that important I guess.

And it just kills that you KNOW they're truly just trying to help, and they're your parents... (or his parents) so you can't exactly tell them to shove off, but you so desperately want to because you can see what it's doing to you & your family. Ohh sweetie, I've been there & wouldn't wish that stress on my worst enemy!

Truly, is there any way that you & DH could make it on your own sooner? Even in something smaller than you'd planned? When my husband & I went through this, the one thing that helped was getting into our own home. It was a (literally) mouse-infested older mobile home that was just short of dilapidation, but it was OUR house, and we could make our own rules without outside influence. And that made all the difference in the world in our relationship, and being able to finally be parents. My own confidence skyrocketed... and I got my drivers license 4 months after that too! (I don't know your situation, but I'm betting I hadn't gotten mine for very similar reasons)

That was 10 years ago, almost to the day. And all I can do is look back and wonder how on earth we ever lasted in that house with my parents & sisters constantly breathing down our backs. With the summer here, maybe you & the kiddies could spend a couple hours at a park several times per week? Even small trips away can help relieve the madness.

I am SO sorry. And I will be praying that something works out for you very very soon.
love,
mom

 

Hell, I even get like that sometimes and I'm not even a Momma! The people around you just don't realize, even if you aren't "in the 9 to 5 grind" you are ALWAYS on-duty. It gets really frustrating, especially when you start to feel like you aren't getting the respect you deserve or a say in what's happening.

I agree that it sounds like you need to get out of the house. Maybe in the meantime you could work something out, where once a week or so you could go out for a cup of coffee or something, just you and friends? Organize a girls night out or something, and that might give you some of the socialization with your PEERS that you seem to be craving.

Good luck and hugs, mama. I hope you feel better soon!!!

 

being a SAHM is so much harder than I ever realized it would be. I'm on the job, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with no weekends or days off. Sometimes I do get an afternoon to myself, but rarely, since my children still breastfeed. Even though I love my job, it's hard to never get time to do the things you want to do. I can't imagine how much harder it would be if I were living with my in-laws!! ACK! I am so sorry nobody is respecting your feelings. You need to have a good long talk with your partner, and explain to him how you feel. His mother is definitely emotionally abusive (being mad at you for getting upset? telling you how to raise your kids? bullshit!!). That much is clear from what you have described. That they have isolated you to this extreme is a big red warning flag that things are even worse than you describe. Trust your gut instincts. What is your heart telling you? You have to get out of that horrible woman's house as soon as you possibly can. Do it for you, for your babies. If your partner won't go along, let him stay there with her, but you gotta look out for yourself and your kids. If you don't, nobody else will do it for you.

 

i really feel for you. We're in basically the same situation right now....and we're moving out. There's a few different circumstances, but I really do know how you feel! Just looking for a new place is making cody and me feel better. It put a ton of stress on our marriage living here and we're always being intercepted by my mom's parenting ideas. It's enough to make you want to put your head through the wall.
You really might have PPD. My mom gave me shit for it, too....she wouldn't let up about the fact that she ran a daycare, worked part time and ran a whole house when my sister and i were little. She expected me to be cleaning her house top to bottom when leane was a week old. The best idea might really be to find you own place now. Finding something a little smaller than you prefered would be much better than the stress you're going through. What's happening is a big deal, and will make a huge imprint on your life.
And definately let Noah go to school....... if YOU feel it would be good for him, do it. You're the mama, not your inlaws. You know what's best for you kids. I know that it's hard to feel like you have to please everyone....but my advice is to just littlerally block out what they're saying and do what you know is right. I did that....and even though my mom gets mad at me for not following her advice, I feel better about myself, and Cody and I feel much more united now.
((((((hugs))))))
I hope you start to feel better.

 

I'm so sorry that all of this is happening to you. Staying home with 3 kids is tough. (I only have 2 and sometimes I want to give my 2 weeks notice ) You should be proud of yourself and focus on how much time, love, and attention you have given them SO FAR....If you want to let both older kids go to school, DO IT!!! They will love it and you will get a break. Since Julian has been born, I have been dropping Danny off at my MIL's house, or having my MIL come get him for a few hours a week, so I can spend time with Julian and have a break, and it is better than anything in the world. I can nap, I can shower, etc......I feel human again. Its intense being a SAHM. Maybe putting your 2 boys into school will give you a chance to breathe and you might feel so much better, and it'll be easier to face the MIL when you don't feel feel so frazzled. How old is your new baby? Because if you have a newborn and aren't getting enough sleep, that can make everything seem overwhelming. There is really nothing you can do about it though, but maybe if you'r older two were at school, you could nap....I don;t know, you'll find what works best for YOUR family, and then you'll start feeling better. I'm thinking of you

 

I think this is less a "Stay at Home Mom" problem, than a "I have no freedom or decision making power" problem. (((((((((((((Earthy ))))))))))))))) I am so sorry you are in such pain. But only you can get a good remedy. And the only remedy is to take control.


It has more to do with your isolation (from not driving) and your allowing your inlaws to dictate what happens to the kids than taking care of the kids yourself.

First, I want to say, it is essensial to be reassessed for PPD. Please, get that treated, or retreated, so you can be STRONG.

I care about you, so here is a dose of tough love, so you can live the rest of your life and not be miserable. (I know, because my mother was in the almost exact situation, she did NOTHING, and now, at the age of 67, is stilll blaming others for "not letting" her do anything, for the fact that she "never had any say" in her own life, and for the fact that she never got what she wanted out of life. She became a Valium addict, and it was, of course, my dad's and my inlaw's "fault" because it was "the only way" she could deal with her life, which she blamed on them. She NEVER stood up to my dad, never made her needs known, and when I was 17, he left her, (for a womyn who had a driver's licsnece, a career and a college degree and could make her own decisions without fear) and she had NOTHING to show for years of "not rocking the boat" but being alone, not being able to take care of herself, and not having the GUTS to make decisions for her life. She is SIXTY SEVEN years old, and still blaming others for her lack of a life.)

You are right. It will ONLY change if YOU CHANGE IT.

One of the most important things you can do is to make it really really clear "I am an ADULT now. These are MY kids. I and ONLY I make policy for these kids. YOU do not." end of story. Your dh NEEDS to help you out by one of two thing (better off BOTH of them) Telling his parents to shut the fuck up about how you raise the kids, and let you do it YOURSELF (and by doing it yourself, it makes sense that you NEVER let them do "free" babysitting") and get you and he and the kids YOUR OWN PLACE. IF he is doing so well, there is simply NO reason to be living, as adults, with anyone's parents.

THEN, there is NO reason to be living with anyone's parents. HE doesn't mind it, but it isn't healthy, and it isn't neccesary. So, stop it. Tell him, you two can leave together, or you will leave alone. Tell him, although he seems very comfy with the situation YOU ARE MISERABLE, and if he doesn't care enough about your mental health, then you will take the kids, live somewhere else, and HE can support the five of you, while he remains with his mommy and daddy. If he makes that much money, and mommy and daddy support him, better than he thinks you can, emotionally, then you and the kids will be happier elsewhere. This is really a matter or HIS not caring that you need to be out from under his parents. OR, is is a matter that he thinks you can't do it alone? Prove him wrong. Rock the damn boat and insist on getting OUT of his mommy's house.

Talk to him. Be serious. Make it clear that there WILL BE a one month plan to get you and he and the kids OUT of your inlaws home. OR you will go by yourself.

I'd hang myself before I'd live with my inlaws. I've never seen a situation where adults, married people, with children, living with THEIR parents works out happily. I know more people who never speak to their inlaws or their own parents due to one thing: having lived with them. It sucks and there is NO reason for it.

Also, damn it all girl, you are allowing yourself to BE ISOLATED by not driving. Yeah, it's scary. I HATE driving, but it is a neccesity in today's world. Bite the bullet, and get your licence. I can't see how you will continue to NOT resent your husband if things continue the way they are. Here's the thing He's not bothered by the way things are SOOOO, he has NO reason to make a change. He WON'T make a change, unless you insist on it. You can drive yourself nuts, and "not rock the boat" now, by not insisting he do something about it, OR you can deal with simmering resentment, which NO marraige can survive.

As for the drinking, it will not just stay "when the kids are in bed." It will progress to everyday, all day, probably starting in the early morning. UNLESS you make a change. The drinking will get out of control, if it is your ONLY solace, it will be your ONLY freind, and not a good freind at that. It will become one of those things that you simply cannot control, and it will become something that WILL effect your children. ONLY you can stop it, now. And you can do it, but only IF you decide YOU will rock the boat and make some changes. I have enough alcoholics in my family to know the progression of this. NO ONE intends for it to take over their life. But, especially if you ALLOW yourself to be isolated and bullied, you will rely on it more and more, until you will find it is the ONLY thing IN your life. ONLY YOU can stop it, with help from a therapist. BUT YOU need to make a change, NOW!!!!

THIS IS A MATTER OF YOUR MAKING A CHANGE.

End of story. YOU have to DO something. Not wait for someone else to do it, or hope it will miraculously change. Rarely do things miraculously change, and chances are, just doing NOTHING and being miseable will change nothing. You need to let you husband know YOU will be looking for a house and HE will be paying for it and he can accompany you on the house hunt, or you'lll let him know when you find a place and then present him with papers for the purchase.

YOU have to do something. NOTHING CHANGES ON IT' OWN. You have to OWN your life. And take it on yourself to make it change.

Blessings on your newfound strength, guts and determination to change a shitty situation into a good one.

Blessings sister. It may be the hardest thing you ever do. But once you do it, you will never regret it. You will regret leaving this the way it is. YOU have to get out of their house. Whether you go with your husband or without him.

Start NOW!!!!