Reoccurring Sex Dream Of Exhusband (And A Rant)

:/

At first I thought it was just a one-off. I brushed off the dream, I blamed it on hormones.

Now it's reoccurring.

If you were to ask me at any given moment "Do you still have feelings for him?"

I would say "No", "Absolutely not."

We are separated, for good reason. It was toxic.

I don't use that word casually.

It's been over a year. I have chosen to abstain from sex.
It's become more and more difficult to do so, but i'm still hurting.
I keep thinking that marriages/relationships are about deciding every day to love that person and put the work in.

That if i'm with anyone I will have to put the work in. So why not rise to the challenge?
It's a big one.

He through my name in the mud.
I chose to remain silent.

I remind myself he hasn't grown since our split. He's the same man who plays the victim, plays games.

I thought I could water him and that he would grow towards the light.

I was naive.


....

SO, the dream:

I don't recall much of it. Just glimpses behind the veil.

Essentially, it's him and I. We are at a campground, there are cottages all over.
We're alone, talking.
People keep walking in and interrupting us.

We find a minute to ourselves. We kiss. It's passionate and heated and we desperately want one another...so we run trying to find somewhere we wont be interrupted.

Murphy's law strikes. Every possible speed bump is thrown in the way.
At one point i'm climbing the side of a steep cliff to avoid being seen by an acquaintance walking along the cliff path.

We manage to find a spot for a moment, we are "making out".
Nothing more happens.


I wake up confused, among other things.

Why the hell does this keep happening to me?
We are not right for each other.

 

i've had sex dreams about a lot of people. doesn't mean i should be with them.

if you were married to the guy, i assume you have a lot of memories of him. it would probably be weird if he didn't show up in any of your dreams.

 

i'd rather have recurring sex dreams about extraterrestrials. (i guess i need to explain that, being my former lives, were other worlds besides this one)

of all the hundreds of thousands of dreams i must have had when my wife was alive and since, maybe it reflects poorly on my humanity or something, and i apologize to her and to you, but i don't think i've had more then three or four, in all that time, that she was even in. which, come to think of it, is kind of odd, because before i married her, there were many dreams that involved a wife i had in a previous life, before i was born into this one.

its not, don't get me wrong, i did and do love her, along with every wife and lover i've ever had in however many lives i've lived before.

i've had some in which there were people who had some of the characteristics of my parents, but were clearly not them either, or didn't seem to be. there have been people who were in similar roles to people in my life, maybe in some sense it was them. but mostly people in other lives or parallel universes or something like that.

but i guess its because mostly my dreams aren't really about people, even when there are people in them, which often there are not.

 

Your still hurting like you mentioned above and your lack of sex is affecting yourself as well.
It seems you may not be entirely interested in giving up the relationship.
It seems to me like you still may cling onto some hope

I like to believe that dreams happen based on our wants, fears, emotions, worries, fantasies etc.
For ex: When I was a kid, I had a huge test to write in class one day. I dreampt I lost the test and couldn't find it anywhere.
Also, when I was a kid, some of the kids I was playing with told me about doing stuff with their brother/sister. So then, I dreampt of kissing my younger brother on the mouth. (It wasn't my thing tho)

They're are other dreams that are a little more complicated to understand like falling, drowning, spiders, etc
But, you get the idea

 

I nominate this for most helpful post of the year award