Relationship Help

Yesterday, I forbid my 16 year old son to see (date) this specific girl. She is under a doctor's care for mental illness, but she likes going off her med's to attract the drama. This is my son's second girlfriend ever. He is naive. Almost to the point of innocent. She has him sexting now. (I have seen the text's) The sex thing I don't worry about. It is the drama. She has told him she was going to kill herself and it would be his fault because he did not love her enough and shit like that...
My son is beside himself. I fully expected much worse. I so much know in my mind I had to protect him. I could not let him work further into a distructive relationship, but it kills me to hurt him.
Any advice?

 

Hire a hooker, take him under your wing, give him some perspective. Or just forbid it enforce it and he'll get over it. Depends on what you want him to understand about himself. As far as hurting him the only thing being threatened are his illusions.

 

If he's naive and innocent you need to protect him but if not he needs to be given the chance to sort this out himself. It could be a very valuable learning experience. Remember we're all the adults we are today because of decisions we made - bad or good.

 

i think you should let your son make his own mistakes. my parents did this with my first girlfriend, it just made me more insistent at the time.

i mean, seriously, you claim this girl is all about drama - you are creating quite a bit of it yourself.

 

Teenagers in love cannot be stopped. Thats a truth that has been around since long before Shakespeare penned Romeo and Juliet.

I think forbidding him will just make him that much more persistant in being with this girl. In fact, it could backfire on you. If you don't forbid him, he might eventually learn himself that dramatic girls aren't worth messing with, but since you are trying to control whether or not he sees her he might stick it out far longer than he would under normal circumstances just to prove you wrong.

 

The replies from above posters raise some very good points, and I particularly like Meliai's Romeo and Juliet analogy.

The following is my opinion because I was once 16 and, unlike some grownups, I still remember what it felt like to be that age. Hell, in my head I'm still 17 for that matter, lmao. Anyway....

Well, he is going to be hurt either way. If you forbid him to date her, he'll be hurt. If their relationship fails for whatever reason, then he'll be hurt. So what can you do? You know what I would like if I was your son? I'd like for you to support me. I'd like for you to support the fact that I'm in love with this girl and that I care about her well-being. I'd like for you to recognize that, at the tender age of 16, I'm able to love someone like that. And I'd like for you to be there for me if she and I broke up and I became absolutely devastated. If that ever happened, I'd like for you to tell me NOT something along the line of 'I told you so", but that you're proud of me for trying my best to make this girl happy even though things didn't work out in the end.

This is something he himself needs to face. He's had a girlfriend before, so he knows breakups hurt. Most people fall in love and become heartbroken repeatedly until they meet their special someones. He'll obviously go through that, too. Be there for him, but don't try to get in his way of experiencing the emotional pain that love can bring. He needs that pain to become a better lover, and a better human being.

Just my opinion. All the best!

 

I agree he has to make his own mistakes. He is 16 the more you forbid him to see this girl the longer he is going to stay with her. At 16 I wanted nothing more than to be able to make my own mistakes. My parents let me and I turned out to be a better person because of it. I know that as his mother you want nothing more then to protect him. As you should,but at the same time its important to let him make his own mistakes. Though that is just my option Good Luck all the best!!

 

I suppose you could see a professional family or relationship councilor and get their opinion (ok, I say stuff like that all the time).

If your son has been adequately warned about the problems that he could get into with being with this girl, then I think that is enough.

I think that the act of trying to control him could be more damaging to him than any problems associated with being with this girl.

Maybe an exception would be if your son got to a point where he was himself suicidal, or felt like he couldn't live without this girl.

but I think a councilor might have something worthwhile to say

 

he's going to date a drama queen at some point in his life. better to get it over with while he's still a kid and chalk it up as a learning experience.

 

The more you forbid it, the more he's gunna do it. You've gotta let him learn the lesson on his own unfortunately.

And he was bound to start sexting sooner or later...it comes with the territory of being 16 and horny...

 

Give him a chance to experience the drama...if he has any sense, he'll soon be fed up with it and stay clear of it from then on.
As for hurt feelings: you've got to let him make his own decisions so that he can learn from them. You won't be able to shield him forever, we all get hurt one time or another.

 

You can't 'win' in any way in this kind of situation. Just make sure he knows the facts (not the feelings), trust you've taught him well enough that he has a good head on his shoulders, and let him know that you're there to suppport and help him whenever he needs it (and by need I dont mean when YOU think he needs it).

Plan B: lock him in his room until he's 30

 

I'm sure your son isn't as innocent as you think he is. You sound like a good mom, but maybe let him make mistakes and learn from them.

 

I have a 16 year old sister and I know from being there and seeing her go through stuff and cause stuff...if they want it bad enough, they'll do it whether it's behind your back or right in front of you. It sucks, but that's how I was...I just wouldn't tell anyone.

In my opinion, I think it would be best to let him go through what he's going to go through. You've raised him up to this point, all you can do is trust him to make the right choices. If you try and protect him, he won't know any better than just continue to be naive as he is. Even if it's not this girl, he will most likely have to deal with a crazy girl at some point in the future, whether he's a teen when he deals with it or in his 20s. Better now when he's figuring things out for himself, than later when he could get into a much worse situation, right?

that's just my two cents.

 

totally agree.

 

"sext".... yeah, I stopped taking anything you have to say seriously when I read that.

There's nothing wrong with people with mental problems, they fall in love too and need people too, and can, ideally, be helped. There's nothing wrong with coming off meds, though she sounds like a stupid attention whore. But that's only because she does it and it works.

Forbidding him won't do a damn thing. It would make more sense to try to find him some parrallels to show him, try to explain what she's doing and what it's doing to him, to try to put him in control instead of taking more control from him so that he rebells harder, and as such, falls harder.

 

okk, this here is just crap. Sexting has become a huge issue and has been the cause of many kids being arrested, jailed, labeled as sex offeders and more. I would assume you don't have kids, so really, learn something by reading the other fantastic suggestions others have had to say.
I have no problems with anyone who is either special needs or is in any way shape or for "out of the norm". Hell, I am proud of the fact that all my kids were raised by someone who spent years helping with the Special Olympics (From 1974 through 1980). Not the point at all.
My son dated this girl and broke up with her the first time because she threatened him. I let him take his own course of actions. I gave him encouragement, advice, but told him that I was just here to help and that he had to make his own decision. When he went back with her is where the main problems got even bigger. Now she is (and yes I have the proof) convincing him to skip school, lie to me, get his sisters and his friends to lie for him and his grade have fallen.
I am pretty sure "Putting an end to this" was the best thing for him. Girls will come and go, but friends and family will still be here. Thanks for all the advice and all the great ideas. Not much that I did not all ready think of, but it is great to know that at least most of my worries were correct.
You know as a parent of 3 teenagers, this is really way harder than I wanted, but no worse than I expected.

 

In regards to not knowing what to do, your son is only a teenager. You might want to consider a restraining order against her and change his cell phone number or take the cell phone away if she's really that bad.

He's a kid that you have power over. Use that power if she's really making matters that bad

 

I'd recommend seeking out resources that allow him to learn that he is NOT responsible for other's behavior; and to refuse to accept the "blame" for things like that. He cannot control her behavior nor her "feelings"; but also (and more importantly) he needs to learn how to recognize when someone is trying to control him via said behavior; and then to feel appropriately about it (for example, not accepting the "blame" nor the resposnibility that may go with it).

That doesn't mean he has to "not care"; "not help" or "turn his back". It just means he needs to learn how to see he is being manipulated and to make his choices without being blinded by that influence.

I don't understand why you would not take seriously something someone says because they used the fairly common (nowadays) term "sext". It infers something pretty specific (thusly helping communication and discussion) and is a reason the "word" has come into usage.

Do you also feel that way about other "modern" "terms"; like "googled", as in "I googled that and learned more about it" or "I met a great gal but I found some disturbing picture of her when I googled her"?

Just curious.

 

Let him do it but monitor closely.

When it crashes and burns at least you will be around.

If you block him from her I guarantee he will find one worse than her and have to learn his lesson later in life when you aren't around anymore or when it will cost him things a lot more important (marriage, children, divorces, etc..)

Let him learn now.

When I was young (or when I was first having serious relationships) the main problem for me was that I assumed everyone else in the world was like my family. I didn't get the concept of damaged and/or fucked up people yet and had to learn it the hard way by seeing how fucked up people can actually be.

MATTER A FACT - why don't you just get him to read these forums - then he'll understand fucked up people really well!