Relationship always means a child is on the way?

Yea... so im pissed off. Everyone always asking when the fucking kids are coming. Not only does it piss me off that everyone assumes that finding someone I fall in love with means that babies are inevitable, but im also pissed off that people all seem to got the idea that a relationship is only complete if theres children.
I dont want to be a fucking dad.. If I become a dad on accident(rubber breaks or something) sure, ill be a decent father, but am I going to like it? Hell fucking no! Am I going to hate my child? NO!!! What the fuck?
Ive even heard people say that childless couples are selfish... Ok, so how many moms and dads out there are complete saints? Almost none of them! I dont know why the hell people think that if I become a parent ill all the sudden not be selfish anymore.. Most parents I know sit there and bitch and complain all the time about how much their kids stress them out and how they dont have any money because they have to buy diapers and shit... Seriously? And im selfish because I realized I didnt want to do any of that in the first place and I practice strict birth control....
People all tell me things like "oh your such a nice guy you would make such a good dad." People are confused as to why I like to go play with the kids that everyone else had.. People tell me I connect with them so well, that they like me so much. The kids tell me im the only adult that will play with them at the park and stuff.... So all those parents look at that and think this guy needs to be a daddy... Why cant they figure out that the reason I have the energy and the patience for these kids is because THEY are the ones who have them around 24/7 and I only spend time with them during family get-togethers and stuff. Its pretty easy to "connect" with the children and play with them when you get 7 good hours of rest a night, and have time to pursue your own interests without any interruptions from screaming crying little brats.
Sure if I was forced into being a dad, I would be "great" i'd treat them well, teach them, be there for them. I'd never hurt them, I would have all the patience in the world for them. But I sure as FUCK!!! would not like it one god damn bit. So please world, do me a favor and dont force me into being a father...

Are any of you going through the same thing?
I have nothing against parents, if you wanted to be a parent fine. Its your life.

 

If you don't want to be a parent then don't. I don't think it's a selfish decision at all. I was always proactive about not wanting to have children. Then at 25 that changed for some reason. My motherly instincts kicked in and I was so in love with my boyfriend. Luckily, I never had anyone ask us when the kids were coming. I've seen it happen to other couples though and the nagging is annoying!

Well, I have two daughters now and they are a lot of work and they stress me out very, very much. I don't get much time to myself. Maybe your views on having children will change later, I never in a million years thought mine would, but until then, don't let anyone pursue you into having kids when you don't want to be a parent. Just ignore them. It's not anyone elses decision but your own.

 

I have kind of the opposite problem. We've been trying to have a baby for 8 years but can't without very expensive medical intervention. We've done everything but in vitro which is $18,000 out of pocket up front with no guarantee that it will work. Anyway, people say stuff to us all the time about how we need to hurry up and have a baby. Some people can be extremely rude about it.

There are 3 reasons why a couple doesn't have a baby:
1. They don't want children
2. They want them, just not right now
3. They can't have them

None of those reasons are anybody else's business. I've gotten to the point that if someone makes a rude comment to me about how I NEED to have a baby I get rude right back. I've been known to say "Not that its any of YOUR business but I can't have kids. But, hey, thanks for bringing it up. It feels great having to admit that to someone who thinks my uterus is their business" That usually puts them in their place pretty quickly and shuts that conversation down.

I understand that some people are just curious. There are ways to go about asking without being offensive. "Do you have children?" "Do you want to have children?" are good ways of asking. "Why don't you have kids?" "You need to hurry up and have a baby" "Don't you know how it works yet?" Those are the comments that make me want to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP.

When someone tells you that you would make a good father they are saying it as a compliment. It means they think you have a good heart. You should say something like "Thank you but I much prefer hanging out with other peoples kids" When they ask you when the babies are coming just say something like "We don't feel like we need kids to complete our family" Or you can simply say "that's not any of your business" I guess it all depends on how you angry you are at the question.

 

^This post is full of great counter quips, when put on the spot.


Try to take it as a positive.

I've been put in the OP's position, and I just counter with acknowledging their compliment, and then saying the honest truth that I only see/interact with the kids for a short bit, rather than 24/7, like the parent.



Although some kids are better than others, some are little terrors and others are extremely mild mannered and take direction easy.

 

I never rage when im asked the question, im just overall enraged at the fact that everyone thinks I should get my lover pregnant, and that people all seem to think that im going to change and become a daddy cuz im a "good guy". And that "as my love grows, the more ill want to make a baby". If my love grows... It grows. Just means im happy with her. Her siblings are experiencing baby fever and all that, asking me when im gonna bring a nephew.. Yes thats what they want, a nephew.. And they think they'll get a nephew because my family mostly produces boys.. or so they have observed, ive never really kept track.
Not once in my entire life have I ever looked forward to being a dad. Ive always looked forward to having a significant other though.

 

You're not alone.

As a woman, I'm expected to have the mom thing, whatever that is. I really dislike children and I'd never have them, not by accident and not by choice.

I keep as much distance from children as possible. Sure, I think tiny babies are cute, but that's the only good thing about them.

There has always been pressure from society on me, to have children. It's their problem, not mine. It's a good thing now that now I'm over 40, they start to get off my case.

If I could live in a place free of children, I would. I've heard such places exist in the USA and I'm hoping one day they will exist here, too, in the country where I live.

I also think most parents out there aren't fit to be parents and we all suffer, having to share our space with the egotistical, irritating and noisy monsters they bring up.

 

Kinda my thoughts too... Nowadays in the USA the going trend is single mommas and baby daddys. I get the idea people have babies just to be this stereotypical tough single momma like all the other women out there. Most women out there in their mid to late 20's have children and the dads not around because they are either a deadbeat, or because the mom gets rid of them so that they can have all the drama their friends are going thru. You see some stupid shit like a girl screaming in the phone in the parking lot at the college about their baby daddy trying to put on this tough single momma scene for everyone.
If its not to just go with the flow, its because they didn't think about what they were getting into for one second, they just followed their instinct.

 

But to an extent now we're going off on a tangent, and saying all "single" parents are like that, which they aren't.

There exists a stereotype of how "single parents" are and how "bratty" children are, and in reality there is some of that, but it is not always the case.

---

There also exists the case were one's entire perspective on being a parent flips with time in either direction - from not wanting to wanting, and from wanting to not wanting-- to be a parent. Hopefully, in the latter's case children haven't been produced already if one were to change their mind about being responsible parent.


RainyDayHype's situation, is a perfect example of one switching their views on parenthood.

I think the important thing is that to be realistic and pragmatic about entertaining the notion of being a parent.

The problem/irresponsible parents, which we were beginning to describe, happen a lot from people who wanted children/parenthood, for the wrong reasons without giving it due thought, before jumping in, either by accident or deliberately. It's not so much that they're "single parents", it's more due to the fact in my view, that they are IRRESPONSIBLE parents, who probably haven't found themselves and see having the label of being a parent as something for them.

I just say this because I don't want to fuel a stigma that lots of young parents have (especially girls), because it is from this pool of resentment that shame and bullying arises from toward single-parents, and their children, when in reality they might not be a drag on society, and are just fine.

Also from the biological perspective, having people in society who have children young (teens, 20's) is good for the egg and sperm, used to make an individual because the sex cells are young and viable. The probability for having a child with down syndrome, or various other learning disabilities is decreased.

 

OP, I'll say this to you... I think it's awesome that you realize this. Nothing is wrong with not having kids by any means and you realizing this is again awesome! Seriously as you pointed out there are a lot of people in the world who should have never been parents, are rotten parents and as a result have rotten kids. So the fact that you know what you want and don't want out of life and recognize that kids are not one of the things you want is great!

Now from your angle yes, it's kind of shitty when you have family members or friends say to you "When are you going to have kids" or "Don't you make such a cute couple, your kids will be adorable..." to that I'd say be honest. tell your family "I DON'T WANT KIDS!!!" Far as relationships go, again I'd put that out on the table pretty early on just so your straight up. And if the girl says "Oh you'll come around" then re-affirm your point or head for the door.

Seriously OP as much of a "family man" as I am I'm very glad that you posted this cause not everyone is built to have kids and there's nothing wrong with that at all. So good for you man and go on with your bad self

 

I know what you mean!

I'm not much of a child person, either. Hate getting asked about kids.

 

We are always asked when we are having kids. It happens more often now that we are engaged and it is annoying. For me personally I don't want kids, yet. They're just not my thing. I hate the sound, the look of them, everything. I've discussed this with my partner and we compromised by buying a house that'd house a dog and we plan to get it in the next few months when the nationals are on here. (German Shepherd)
So yes, I also feel the pain of that question.
I was asked once at a pub and I offended everybody (the women at least) with the following answer: nah I don't want kids. Having kids is selfish. There is absolutely no reason to have children other than the fact that YOU wanted them. It's selfish plain and simple.

 

I wouldn't necessarily agree with this. There are different reasons why somebody wants to have a child. It depends on the person. The most selfish reason I've ever heard for somebody wanting children, and I've heard this from a few people is "well I need someone to take care of me when I'm old." When I decided to have children, that thought never even crossed my mind.

 

And then sometimes I start to feel selfish myself for bringing children into this messed up world. A world where they will suffer and feel pain. A world that can sometimes be very cruel and ugly. (But also a world where they can experience things like joy).
So it is what it is.

 

Yeah and then your kids one day will be like "yeah well I never asked to be born!" And then that's on you

Don't get me wrong, maybe it isn't selfish, but when you're ambushed by mothers at a pub while I'm doing my best to kick back and have a good time, aggressive answers are needed. Don't worry they all went into a group and cast evil glares at me for the rest of the night.

 

"Not having kids is selfish" ... I wanna know how that is a logical thing for some people. It does not make sense.

I don't want to have my own kids either. Maybe it's because I'm 22 that I don't get people asking me all the time, but I still do feel the pressure to kinda bend my life into a series of accepted events.

Who cares what they think though.. Why can people say "you need to have kids!", but never "you should have never had kids".

 

From a "survival of the species" and basic animalistic instincts having children is the basis for continuing the survival of our species and pretty much every other living thing on our planet has this basic instinct of trying to procreate before they die.

That said people are different in that we intellectualize this and aren't completely driven by our primordial animalistic instincts of procreation. That and we are at the top of our food chain, so it's not like humans are on the endangered list. So yeah it's good that some people do not want children as we are suffering from population problems as it is and while I love being a father (of 2 mind you) I really don't understand when people have like 10 kids or so, which to me just seems absurd.

But yeah, everyone has free will, and although the main trend is grow up, get married and have kids certainly doesn't mean everyone should or has to by any means. Look what's happening in Japan over the last few years. Their population is actually declining due to social breakdown & technology advancements as well as a host of other reasons. basically the number of deaths is outweighing the number of babies being born. Kind of interesting and scary

 

Ive actually said I wanted children a few times with women I dated. And its scary right now to realise that the main reason I was saying I wanted children was to keep the woman I dated. Or women who tried to get me to take the condom off.. I managed to get out of those relationships before I did it.
Women will also do thing like this: You meet them, you tell them you are 100% anti-child, they agree with you 100% then months down the road after you have gotten attached they drop the bomb on you and cry, put the pressure on you telling you how bad they want a baby. Yea, ive heard about this scenario before it happened. And what will I do? Move on of course...and it will be devastating. No I wont leave because a woman is telling me she want kids. Ill leave the day a woman im involved with says, "its kids or we are done". Because actions speak louder than words.
Another thing I see that bugs me is when you see women seeing these little kids thinking they are so damn cute and amazing that, by the way, are not their own. And they melt like butter and get butterflies. Then they want a kid... Ok.... Arent you forgetting? Kids grow up! And, pretty damn fast too. The only reason that cute kid you see is all so perfectly sweet and cute is because their not at home with you being a pain in your ass, eating your food, making messes, destroying things you acquired with your hard-earned cash, and breaking you at the bank.

 

True.

And I agree those are horrible reasons to want to be a parent.

But part of it is how you raise a kid too, and like I said before the other part is temperament.

Some kids aren't wild things that destroy stuff. Some kids are just extremely shy but timid but overall good kids from babyhood on up to the teenage years and then adulthood.

Having kids, or at least what you end up with is risky, ya never know what you're gonna get.

 

Now think about it... How often is this selfish desire fulfilled?? The person who has a kid for this reason is going to be VERY disappointed! Look at all the nursing homes out there. Your kids aren't going to take care of you, people who get paid by the hour are. Its inevitably our fate. Those of us who become to crippled physically or mentally or both. No you dont get to be put out of your misery, all these people round you that you dont even know just keep pumping you full of artificial life till even that isnt even capable of keeping you alive. Its a real crock of shit, ive seen it. You get these old miserable people with no future and everyone around them is telling them "LIVE LIVE LIVE LIVE!!!!".. I think that some of us young people need to have a couple 100 lb weights attached to our arms and legs and our eyes taped shut and an alarm put under our asses and backs for about a week and then have everyone tell us "NOOOO DONT GIVE UP KEEP LIVING!!! KEEP LIVING!!!"
Anyway, we were talking about having kids...

 

My wife and I have been married for almost 35 years. We talked about having kids early during our engagement and were both relieved to find that the other didn't want children... ever. We've been plenty happy without them.

However...

Early in our marriage, when my mother-in-law was still alive, she would badger us constantly about having kids, ("You don't know what you're missing!", "You're not getting any younger!", etc.) No matter how many times we told her that we weren't interested, she just kept at it.

Finally, during one visit, I mentioned to her that we'd just acquired two new kittens from the local Humane Society. (My wife and I are both "cat people".) I told her that we'd decided to name the boy Fergus and the girl Jenny.

She kind of snorted and said, "Why can't the two of you every give your pets normal pet names instead of human names?"

I replied, "Look, if it'll make you happy, since we gave the cats people names, when we have kids we'll name the boy "Spot" and the girl "Fluffy"."

Not only did that shut her up, but she NEVER bugged about having kids again. (I think she was more than half-convinced that her pig-headed son-in-law would make good on his threat!)