Realizing things are not how you thought they were is horrible

I started dating a guy a couple months ago. He told me up front that he has bipolar disorder, OCD, abandonment issues and dissociative personality disorder because of something bad that happened to him when he was little. We talked all day online while at work (we both work desk jobs) and had somewhat of a whirlwind romance until recently when some of his nastier issues have reared their heads...
I don't want to say I wasn't told, but I certainly wasn't prepared fully for what this would be like. He told me all of his different personalities were him, but he gave me the impression that the one I fell in love with was the real him. Now I am realizing that is not the case. That's only a small side of him. The rest are immature, disrespectful assholes that he claims all care about me and love me, but they obviously just think of me as something to hold onto to keep him from coming apart at the seams because he's alone.
I'm not trying to be unfair. I am really trying to understand, but I can't be the strong one all the time. I have my own issues that make me extremely timid about certain things, to the point where if you try to push me, I will shut down. He makes a career of pushing for things he wants that I am not comfortable with. Unless he is that one person in his head that gives a shit and wants me to be happy. The rest of the time, he is just thinking about his own happiness.
EX:
The other night, we're having sex. He makes a move for my ass. I tell him absolutely not. Just like I have told him over and over. He relents for a little while, then tries again. When I stop him this time, he shuts down, tells me to hop off and finishes himself. Then when I apologize for not being able to give him what he wants, he goes off on some thing about how it's the principle of the thing- that I have never tried it and he loves it and he thinks that everyone should try everything once. I tell him "you do not understand. I feel sick when I think about it" and he goes off on this spiel about how he has dissociative disorder and OCD and he's ass-hungry right now and I should just accept him. Okay, done. I accept you, but that doesn't give you the right to make me feel like I am basically sexually inadequate and pressured into doing something I am clearly extremely uncomfortable doing. I need a lover who is patient with me sexually, because I have a lot of hangups that make me extremely apprehensive about doing certain things. I'm just nervous about it. I wish if that was a dealbreaker for him he would just break up with me rather than making me feel like this...
Anyway, later, when he had switched again, he felt bad that he had acted that way, but still gave me the same excuses. I had a 13-hour shift to work the next day, and I was already going to get 6 only hours of sleep, so I let it go until I was done with work the next day.
I kind of let him have it the next night, telling him he would never be allowed to make me feel that way again. I am not going to be emotionally abused and pressured into sex acts I do not want to perform by his alter-ego only to have him conveniently disappear and for my guy to put his hands up and go "sorry, it wasn't me! it was him and he's gone!"
I am trying so hard not to just chalk this up to him being a 22 year old boy that is avoiding responsibility, because I know it is not fair to assume that given his issues.
Since the fight, he has been dissociated and dead behind the eyes. I couldn't take it this morning and was crying in the bathroom. He obviously wanted to care, because he tried to get me to talk about it several times, but I just wasn't up for trying to negotiate with him when he was like that, especially because I felt like he didn't really care. He was trying, though. I could see that. Which broke my heart even more.
Hopefully, the one I love will be back tonight. If not, I may have to turn him away. I didn't want him moving in with me in the first place, but he is here every night. I need some space. So I can think about things and have more moments of clarity like this one. When I am not so apprehensive about who he's going to turn into next and how I'm going to handle it.
I have asked him to have one of his doctors explain things to me, because I clearly have no idea what I'm doing. He agreed and is going to let me know when his next appointment is...
Does anyone have advice? Flames? Comments? Please someone explain this to me. I just don't know what to do or how to handle it anymore.

 

If he wants you to take it in the ass.. introduce him to Strap on. what goes around, comes around.

 

Disillusionment is only painful if you are tempted to have what is not be so.
There is hidden secondary benefit in being sick and thus the attraction of guilt for both you and him. I think it more important to invest in your well being rather than his sickness or yours.

 

Or laying a strap across the ass might make him forget about it.

 

First of all, I wouldn't be messing around with that level of crazy. Second, NEVER apologize to someone for not being willing to do something sexually. If it's something you're absolutely not into, he needs to respect that and quit being a little bitch about it.

 

He'd love that (for the record, I have offered, but he has declined so far). That was actually part of his excuse. He left his toy that he uses on himself at home and he missed it so he was trying to live vicariously through me. The fact that he was willing to completely disregard my boundaries over something so fucking childish is what hurts the most. Like I say, he felt bad afterwards when he switched back, but fuck it, next time, I'm just going to say fuck off, hop off and walk away... If there's even a next time and he hasn't completely fucked me up about sex in general (not just because of this, but other things).

If I could hug you, I would. Thank you.
No one has ever made me feel so sexually inadequate as he did that night... It was a horrible feeling.

 

Don't feel sorry for him you can learn to control it if your willing. I am bipolar and I've been through alot of crap, but he's despicable trying to force you into something your not comfortable with. Then making u feel inadequate. Tell him if he wants to be f** ed up the ass or f*** up the ass there's a gay bar down the street. Don't let his personalitys play Russian roulette with your life. F*** him. He's manipulating you.

 

What exactly is benefitting you in this relationship? Hopefully when you value yourself more, you will wonder why you put up with selfish and immature boys instead of mature, considerate men. And furthermore once you cut this creep loose, you'll know what you won't put up with in a future relationship. You know what to do.

 

^^ as Scratcho said.. you'll have a lightbulb moment at the first hint of weird neediness, & wont waste another moment of your time.. I think we need these experiences to learn.. good luck to you..

 

Thank you guys. I've gone to a therapy session with him and brought some things to light for he and his doctor as well as gained a better understanding myself, especially when it comes to putting up boundaries and not letting him drain me. I'm going to see where this goes for now, but I have serious doubts I can handle the kinds of issues he has. He's childish, selfish and pushes his own agenda constantly, but he's aware that he has work to do and seems to genuinely want to work on himself. He has a long way to go, though. Whether or not I'll be sticking with him for the whole journey remains to be seen, but I have serious druthers. I have enough on my plate...

 

Do you think you deserve this kind of behavior? Do you think you deserve to be the "fall guy" for this person's issues? His issues are serious and frankly while he needs some support he needs a hell of a lot of boundaries. He needs support from a network of people he cannot manipulate or use as enablers. You are being manipulated. I think (by what you've written) that you know this.

I think he needs his space to get to a more stable place before he can give you a decent shot at a relationship with him. (I have been with someone with these issues, except that they denied them, so you're lucky in that he was upfront about his issues)

You gotta draw some lines and figure out what you're willing to deal with and where you want him to shove it when he crosses that line. (imo obviously)

I think you deserve better. Much, much, much better, but you gotta believe and enforce it yourself.

*good luck...you're obviously a very selfless, compassionate person...you should have more compassion coming back at you and seriously, there's nothing wrong with being selfish sometimes...be selfish and decide what you want in a relationship and don't accept anything else. (best advice someone on this forum told me many, many years ago)

Just wanna emphasize the fact that you knowing this just a few months in is much better than going years before having that awareness. Take it seriously, is all I can say. More than likely things will get even deeper.

 

Don't take this harshly, but you either love him in all his shame and glory or you don't. He is not a few separate people, he's one person with many faces. I understand you probably love one of them more than the others, but understand that HE is all of them combined.

 

This was the breakthrough that almost broke me. I did not understand this at all. The morning I did, I cried for hours. I just hadn't understood. I am seeing his behaviors in a new light now. I see the reasons for them a little better. I still don't know how much I can take, but I am at least aware of the situation now.

Enabler. thank you for saying that word. Thank you. I've been grasping for what's been happening and this is it. The more I talk through this, the more I realize and can articulate it to him more clearly. He wants to improve so badly but I don't think he knows how to cope with the badness that comes when he goes against his nature. But he needs to learn. And if I don't put my foot down about things, he never will.
And no, I don't think I deserve it. There was a dark time that I did, because I left someone for him, and I couldn't believe I could ever hurt someone so deeply for something like this. I felt I was getting my just desserts. But the further away from ground zero I get, the more clearly I can see the situation, and I was not happy where I was. I am not exactly what you would call happy now, but there is a hell of a lot more possibility for it now than where I was...

Thank you for all of this. It's true, I need to take better care of myself and spend less time taking care of him. I've decided to go home to my family for Thanksgiving, and he wants to go, but I have told him no. He is sad, but when I explained why, he understands. Going to see his doctor with him on Monday was pretty much the best decision I have ever made since starting dating him. Probably the first correct one. I've let him have too much of me. It's going to be hard, but I need to extract myself a little bit and put a little distance between us. We moved really fast and I need to back it up. If he wants to be with me, he's going to have to work hard to develop a way to cope when I can't prop him up. Because sometimes I just can't... And if I did every time, he'd never learn how to rely on himself anyway...