Question for feminist subs

Hi there, I just love reading your opinions

I have always called myself a feminist, I'm not harcore like the new wave (and I love Andrea Dworkin, but can't take her Intercourse seriously!). Anyway for a couple of years I've enjoyed being spanked by my (male) partner and I am ALWAYS submissive, I just love it. We tried swapping roles once but being a sub really comes naturally to me. I often think it's interesting how this sits alongside a social/political ideology that informs my behaviour and thoughts in every other aspect of my life. Oh I know when we are in those roles we're in our own world, but, hey just wanted to throw it out there. What do you wacky smacky people think?

 

Oh hey, Top!

This is a HUGE thing for me, actually. Some people don't get how I can call myself a feminist but be totally submissive in the bedroom. (Especially when I mention that I love being called a worthless whore...lol) It makes perfect sense to me, though. I think maybe for me, letting go of control, being bossed around by a guy, feeling used and degraded etc. is like a delicious sin; it feels really wrong because it's not how I live my life, right?

I've known people who were actually in physically or emotionally abusive relationships and it appalls me; I absolutely loathe men like that, of course. So to ask to be treated like that myself is like forbidden fruit.

I feel like I'm kindof tripping over my words here a little, sorry. To summarize: I really do consider myself a strong feminist - that's a big deal for me - and I don't feel like my sub kinks conflict with that.

I can't top at all either, lol...Allonym (you'll meet her, she's awesome) called it something like "awkward verging on painful" a while ago; I agree with that.

 

Boo to people not responding more to this. I was so interested in hearing what other girls thought about it. Sigh.

 

Yeah me too, c'mon people! Welcome back Boston, hope you had a nice vacation

 

Actually, as the submissive half of the equation I do feel like I have quite a lot of power over the situation, which can be sort of a catch 22 because sometimes I don't want to have any power, but anyway a lot of the time I can manipulate the situation by my actions even if they're submissive.

Like I can be a petulant brat (which I know will get me in HEAPS of trouble hehe) or I can be timid and things will progress more slowly. So I rarely feel like I am not contributing to the play at all and am merely a prop - although sometimes I want to be merely a prop, with absolutely no control at all, I think that it's probably quite liberating.

 

Yeah, totally...in a lot of situations, I have at least as much control over things as he does. I think that's probably true of a lot of D/s relationships. (Although I know some people would file this under "topping from the bottom" and call it cheating. I think those people tend to be more hardcore than I am about the whole thing.)

Lol at being petulant...last week, actually (acting on a suggestion from a guy right here) I was dressed up in slutty makeup and clothes when he came home from work and told him he was boring, I was going out to find some real fun. A whole lot of not physically being in control anymore ensued, but I had set up the scene myself (and obviously knew where it was going).

You pretty much know what's going to happen next if you say "Oh God please don't [x] me in the [y]." lol

Are you saying you don't ever feel like you're just a prop, though? That's a bummer. Try having him blindfold and gag you (and tie you up, of course)...you have no choice but to be the prop at that point. It's spectacular.

 

This thread is a bit of a dead duck, anyway I want your advice - as always, lol - it has taken a while for us to get into the D/s groove, with him being a little reluctant. He loves spanking and talking dirty but it's like I want him to go further, and I think he's holding back because he thinks he'll hurt me or something.

Take that example I gave of being a brat, it was fun and I do like initiating sex but I want him to just surprise me sometimes without me having to "top from the bottom". I just feel like I'm trying to explore my limits and I' not really getting close to them. Let me put it this way, I have never even thought of using our safe word...what is it again...?

I don't want to get hurt, but I want to feel a little wilder, ya know?

 

I understand his being a little reluctant, if you want things to as you say go further and you feel you know where it is you want to go, then the best thing you can do is talk to him and tell him what you need. I was in the same situation myself not long ago, I did get advice from many people, some very dear people right here gave me much help. My chick does have experance and knows what she needs but it took a long time for me to get her to be open about it, it's hard for him to guess, especilly if he has no experance at it, he will worry about hurting you. Assure him you are ok and that you will use your safe word if you feel things are getting out of hand. You must communicate your needs to him. Help guide him or he will never understand. If you help, things will work out. Try to not think of it topping from the bottom, someone has to help him figure it out and you are the best one to do that. It may take some time, but if you help him out he will get it and the two of you will understand each other better than you ever thought you could and you will be very happy with the outcome, he will take places you never thought you could ever get to. Good luck it will work out if you give him a chance and help him.

Peace

 

Bump, just trying to get rid of the spam guy.

 

Hi Top! I'm so pissed this thread doesn't get more action. Where the heck is Allonym when you need her?

I've never used the safe word either.

What kind of stuff did you have in mind? I'm curious.

Do you think he's as into this kinda stuff as you are? I mean, you brought it up the first time, right? Do you think if you hadn't, he would have?

But I mean yeah, the obvious answer is to just tell him you want him to initiate more and go further.

I think honesty and being able to really talk might be more important in kinky relationships than in normal ones. I mean, if you're just into missionary sex, you don't really have to talk about it right? But if you're interested in, whatever, getting hung by your ankles and whipped, that takes a little bit more discussion, huh?

Which would logically mean that kinky relationships might be more healthy in general, because both people are more used to talking through issues.

This is a new thought for me. Huh. Cool.

 

Yeah that's a really interesting thought, I'll quote you next time someone says kinky relationships are sick. Not that I hear many people say that, I try not to hang out with puritans lol. But yeah, talking through issues to do with sex probably builds trust and the skills you need to be open with each other in other areas.

I'm a bit guilty of that myself, I usually agonize over telling my bf something before we do talk about stuff, but totally agree that honesty and openness is critical.

Do I think he's as into this as me? I think so but it's new to him. It started one time when I was on top of him and he was holding me by the hips and gave me a little timid smack right out of the blue. I was pleasantly surprised and let him know I enjoyed it, but it took a while for him to be sure of himself, and me, to really whack it!

After that first time, I wondered if he'd do it again. So the next night I leaned over him to set the alarm clock or something and stayed in that position, lying across his tummy with my ass raised in the air. Again he was too gentle, but soon warmed to the idea.

You know, we've been together for AGES, like I'm sooo married, and I think that my trying to give clues and hint at what I want without actually articulating it, is an attempt to add some mystery back in. You get to know the other person so well, I want to know that there are still things I don't know about him yet, and that he doesn't know about me, I mean he knows when I'm ovulating for christs sake!

He can tell when I'm playing it up for him by being "naughty" and I think he really appreciates (and relies on) that cue that I give.

What I'd really like him to do is surprise me, like tying me up and blindfolding (great suggestion for abandoning control) so that I have no idea what's coming next. Maybe he'll leave for a while and keep me waiting. That's the thing, I don't want to have any idea what's going to happen next. Yeah I totally need to have this conversation with him, no doubt about it. I'm sure he's got a whole bunch of delicious ideas for me!

So, in your relationship, if you don't mind me asking, does he sort of come up with the ideas and scenarios himself or have you two discussed it beforehand? How much do you/does he make it up as you go?

 

Lol...I don't mind, I'm an open book on this forum.

We do it both ways. Sometimes we talk about stuff together, and sometimes one or the other of us will come up with an idea all by ourselves. If it's not too different from stuff we've done before we don't talk about it - one of us will just do it - but if it's something significantly different we talk about it first.

Some of my favorite times with him are when we just sit around the two of us, drinking wine and talking...we talk about a whole lot of stuff, but that's usually when we talk about sex too. If one of us wants to talk about trying something really new or weird (like golden showers or something), that's when we bring it up.

I'd say usually he's the one who initiates sex - he's really good at it. ("Good at it" is kindof the same thing as "always horny," actually.) So a lot of the time he'll just grab me and throw me onto something, which is great obviously.

(Actually, if we're being honest...both of us have been with our guys for a while, although you obviously longer...one of the things with wanting your guy to surprise you and just grab you and ravish you is, inevitably, occasionally, you just REALLY don't feel like it. Yesterday morning I woke up to him tying my hands to the bed and I was soooo brutally hung over and I was like oh...God...just let me go back to sleep...lol. I didn't say that, though. I just lay there wishing my pounding head would stop distracting me from him pounding me.)

But recently it's been me coming up with most of the creative stuff, and it's actually because of this site; I've gotten some pretty fun ideas from it. And that's cool too.

But, like, our normal sex generally involves some combination of cuffs and spanking and stuff, and it can go in a bunch of directions depending on how we're feeling - sometimes it's pretty quick, sometimes we end up getting particularly into something and it goes longer - so yeah, there's some improvisation there. You never know when something that started with him bending me over the couch will end up in a teacher / student fantasy or something.

Something he told me early on that I really loved: we both like to try new things, right? We've gone skydiving, and we learned how to scuba dive together, and stuff like that. We both really want to experience as much as we possibly can. But I hadn't connected that to sex until he pointed it out: why shouldn't sex be the same? So there are times when we think of something to try and we're both like ack...I dunno, that sounds pretty gross or weird or something, we probably won't like it. But as long as it's not on the "Absolutely Not" list (which for both of us, is basically 1) Drawing blood or other real injury, 2) Poop), we might as well try it anyway just so we can say we did.

 

If its any consolation ladies, I am with you on this.....
I don't think being a feminist should have anything to do with what you "WANT" to do in the bedroom.
The fact that your sexual antics are what you enjoy doing and what you want to perform should compliment your feminist ideals rather than go against them.


Next time you you perform your bedroom gymnastics, give me a call so I can see what you are talking about and I can make an educated decision! (just joking) lol

 

Hey Rock, that's a good way of putting it, women fought for generations for the right to do as they want and what feels good, and if getting bound, blindfolded and punished by a horny schoolteacher is what I want then yay for me.

Dunno about gymnastics tho, I'm not that flexible lol :

 

No worries.

 

Hee...I am pretty flexible.

Rock's a really nice guy, btw.

 

Hey Rock, welcome to our little tea party. Great to have some more imput here, not that I wasn't enjoying my one-on-one with MB I'm off to my yoga class.

 

ive been really into (anarcha)feminism lately (im a guy, just for the record). the way i see it is, relationships should be based around respect (whether its two guys, two girls, a guy and a girl, 2 girls and a guy, etc) and love, of course. being a submissive girl in the bedroom i dont think goes against feminism, because its consensual. and i would expect that your partner has respect for you.

anyways. thats my sloppy two cents

 

Yeah I know what you mean, I would enjoy having a 1 on 1 with MB!
Maybe a 2 on 1 if you keep going to your yoga classes!

 

flexible (I bet you are) Thanks Molly, u allways have a way of making me feel hard...oops good!