pretty crazy imagery in this one

I dig the twist at the end

For You
For you I cried a thousand tears
afew of them flowed into my heart
once there they crystallized and left a hard spot
where it once was all soft
still those tears flowed on
they flowed all the way to the ground
and from that spot grew the most beautiful tree
from its limbs grew the fruits of knowlege
oh so bittersweet
and still those tears kept flowing
i cried and i cried and i cried
until there was a pool of tears at my feet
I gazed into that sparkling pool
and in it i saw my reflection
thats when i realized that all those tears i cried
were for me
and not for you

I think imma have to paint this one

 

nice!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Sure, it's imagery. But's it's nothing new and certainly nothing special.

A tip: Complimenting your own piece like you did is a horrible, horrible thing. No one likes a writer who feels a need to continually tell people of they're talent, especially when they don't have much talent to begin with.

 

whoa...uh...ok. I thought confidence and positivity are a good thing. In fact, I know they are. Show me some of your work Cirhosis and I promise I'll be much kinder.

 

if someone likes something, they like it. it doesnt matter whether they wrote it or not.

they SHOULD like it, they wrote it!

 

Confidence and positivity is being proud of it, and saying something along the lines of: "I like it. What do you think?"

Arrogance and flaunting is saying something along the lines of: "This one is really good! Read it, because it's got great imagery!"

If you tell people you're good before they have a chance to decide on their own, their decision may be a little biased.

I have my own thread here on the Poetry Forum. Only one song in it so far, but I had much more in it before Skip re-did the forums. And don't be kind unless you mean it. What I said before wasn't meant to be insulting. It was my honest opinion. And if someone's poetry sucks, I'll be happy to tell them. Of course, if it's good, I'll be happy to tell them that, as well. Unfortunately, people think I'm an asshole because of that. However, I'm not an asshole; it's just that there's a lot of bad or mediocre poetry out there and not a lot of good poetry.

 

I didn't post that for ppl to tell me it sucks. I posted it because I wanted to share it. Personally if I don't like something I don't reply. When I was your age I was getting my stuff published. You are the only one I've ever read that poem to that didn't like it. And thats OK. You prolly haven't been in love yet. Nothing new? Show me a poem that is like that one and I will believe you. Oh hey did you know that there are, hmm, like 24 or something archetype stories that can be traced waaay back to the myths, so every story ever written and that ever will be written follows along one of those storylines. I'm not sure but I think it may be similiar with poetry. I stayed out of the poetry forum in the old hipforums because of ppl like you. Your criticism was not constructive. Its pretty easy to sit back and say thats terrible, its derrivitive blah blah. When ppl share their poetry it is like baring their soul, so it hurts when ppl bash it. That my friend is why people think you're an asshole.

 

Show you a love song I have written? Sure, okay.

Golden

I traded all I never was
Just to sleep another day
In the arms of enchantment
The fascinations of the few
Ask anyone but me
True bliss lies in far-off lands
Search and you will see
The waste of wasting youth

I’m staid among my own
In love with the witch’s brew
Could you believe it’s real?
Could you believe it’s all
About to begin?

Exchange all my misery
Reassure the unaware
Restitution is the answer
For the estranged
Lovelies must beware of
What’s come and gone

And I gave in to purity
I gave in to give myself

Fate lies in the lovers’ hands
Their bodies lie within their minds
And as I rose from my dream
I found myself beyond the past
Ask anyone but me
This is the end of your end
Search and you will see
Beyond this fleeting abyss

Exchange all my misery
Reassure the unaware
Restitution is the answer
For the estranged
Lovelies must beware of
What’s come and gone

I charmed the entities
Charmed the charmer’s heart

This dreamer’s remorse
Has its stranglehold on me
Let me be free
This dreamer’s remorse
Has its stranglehold on me
Let me be free

Are you all you cannot be?
Will you be all you shouldn’t be?
Let me be free


You know, I've written 300 more songs over the past year and a half. Feel free to challenge me again.

 

ive found its best to keep your mouth shut when you think a poem is bad.


and hey, what is the difference between saying i like this poem, what do you think? and saying i like the imagery in this poem, what do you think?

i dont think thats a big difference...

 

But the difference is that she never said, "What do you think?" She told us the imagery was good. And I, for one, didn't see anything that great about it. The poem itself is slightly mediocre, considering it has no rhythm, no structure, no pattern. It's just, and this is only my honest opinion, broken sentences and half-assed ideas. I also see no creativity in word usage. Example: "Where it once was all soft" Not only is that very lazy writing, it's also absolutely horrible grammar.

I understand the thing about poetry being close to one's heart, etc., etc. I never said it can't mean anything to anyone. I'm saying that, looking at it from a purely technical point of view, any editor who cared about his or her job and wasn't inept would reject that faster than you can say, "I wish I were E.E. Cummings."

 

yeah paint it

btw i liked it, it was raw and poignant, full and self-affirming.

 

she said it was crazy, not good, and that was her opinion, do you think everyone automatically believed her before forming their own opinion?
if so, then thats their problem!!!

 

That's their problem? How? That's like throwing a rock at someone, and when it hits them, saying, "It's their fault for not moving!" If she isn't aware of the consequence and reactions of her actions, that's definitely her problem.

And, yes, she did say crazy. And I (possibly) misinterpreted that to meaning "good". Of course, it wasn't exactly crazy, either. I haven't seen a "crazy" poem in a long, long time.

 

naw man, if someone cant think for themself, that IS their problem.

 

Okay, so fuck the "throwing a rock" analogy.

Let's say you call a black friend of yours a ******, and he gets offended. Why, yes, that certainly is his problem. I mean, one doesn't get offended unless they want to, right? No, of course not. You know as well as I that saying something that is obviously offensive is your problem, and not his.

She's well aware of what she said (at 23, she better be), and so she should be aware of the possible reactions.

I take full responsibility for pissing her off.

 

Everyone is just to his or her own opinion(s) , and i believe that constructive criticism is one of the only ways to improve one's poetry or writing in general. As far as Crystaleyez's poem is concerned, i believe that it was a bit trite. It perhaps contained a bit of that "woe is me" cliche', such as is seen in many 'angsty' poems. Although, I did enjoy the theme behind it, pain growing into something beautiful perhaps. As I see it, it was what the poet had learned from her experience, and revealed it through a very nice metaphor.
Crystaleyez, I believe that every SUCCESSFUL writer must first have that initial creative spark to fuel his or her writing, and can only continue to grow from there, such as the sorrow-grown tree. hehe! You have talent, and as far as the technicalities go, i believe you may need to work in that area, but that can be learned. You have that poetry 'flame' that many wish they could possess. I enjoyed your poem very much, and this is simply my constructive opinion, on how i think you can improve your piece. I would like to read more of your work. As far as people 'bashing' your work, don't take it to heart, if you are confident with your own poem then don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. Peace love and groovy!

 

lol. all this finger-pointing is funny, because it reminds me of someone standing in front of a mirror, talking to themselves! lol.

and crystaleyez- please don't waste your time having hurt feeling because of someone's criticism. you must be prepared to get ripped. contrary to what some
believe, criticism of any art is no more than opinion. about your poem: yea, you get so worked up, thinking its the one you love that hurts you, but its really just you, hurting yourself. i dig it.

but to both of you(cirrhosis, crystal), in regard to your poems.... think you might try punctuation? i mean, you know, for emphasis? lol.

much love

 

I've tried puncuation; I didn't really like it. Sure, I use it from time to time, but because my poems are lyrics without music, I'd like to put music with them before I decide where it stops, where it takes a breath, etc.

Although the breaks between stanzas (which are actually verses, choruses, etc.) do serve as a proper indication of a pause.

Edit: One more thing: There's absolutely nothing wrong with a heated discussion.

 

cirrhosis u are are soooooooo wrong, what gives u the right to slate other ppl's work? crystaleyez ur poem was sooooo beautiful....it really affecteed me....thank u
the rolster.xxxxxxxxxx

 

Hahahahahahaha. You know, there's no such thing as a wrong opinion. Haha, wow, thanks for the laugh.