pretty crazy imagery in this one

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by Crystaleyez, May 14, 2004.

  1. Crystaleyez

    Crystaleyez Member

    I dig the twist at the end

    For You
    For you I cried a thousand tears
    afew of them flowed into my heart
    once there they crystallized and left a hard spot
    where it once was all soft
    still those tears flowed on
    they flowed all the way to the ground
    and from that spot grew the most beautiful tree
    from its limbs grew the fruits of knowlege
    oh so bittersweet
    and still those tears kept flowing
    i cried and i cried and i cried
    until there was a pool of tears at my feet
    I gazed into that sparkling pool
    and in it i saw my reflection
    thats when i realized that all those tears i cried
    were for me
    and not for you

    I think imma have to paint this one
  2. Fractual_

    Fractual_ cosmos factory

  3. Cirrhosis

    Cirrhosis Banned

    Sure, it's imagery. But's it's nothing new and certainly nothing special.

    A tip: Complimenting your own piece like you did is a horrible, horrible thing. No one likes a writer who feels a need to continually tell people of they're talent, especially when they don't have much talent to begin with.
  4. Crystaleyez

    Crystaleyez Member

    whoa...uh...ok. I thought confidence and positivity are a good thing. In fact, I know they are. Show me some of your work Cirhosis and I promise I'll be much kinder.;)
  5. Fractual_

    Fractual_ cosmos factory

    if someone likes something, they like it. it doesnt matter whether they wrote it or not.

    they SHOULD like it, they wrote it!
  6. Cirrhosis

    Cirrhosis Banned

    Confidence and positivity is being proud of it, and saying something along the lines of: "I like it. What do you think?"

    Arrogance and flaunting is saying something along the lines of: "This one is really good! Read it, because it's got great imagery!"

    If you tell people you're good before they have a chance to decide on their own, their decision may be a little biased.

    I have my own thread here on the Poetry Forum. Only one song in it so far, but I had much more in it before Skip re-did the forums. And don't be kind unless you mean it. What I said before wasn't meant to be insulting. It was my honest opinion. And if someone's poetry sucks, I'll be happy to tell them. Of course, if it's good, I'll be happy to tell them that, as well. Unfortunately, people think I'm an asshole because of that. However, I'm not an asshole; it's just that there's a lot of bad or mediocre poetry out there and not a lot of good poetry.
  7. Crystaleyez

    Crystaleyez Member

    I didn't post that for ppl to tell me it sucks. I posted it because I wanted to share it. Personally if I don't like something I don't reply. When I was your age I was getting my stuff published. You are the only one I've ever read that poem to that didn't like it. And thats OK. You prolly haven't been in love yet. Nothing new? Show me a poem that is like that one and I will believe you. Oh hey did you know that there are, hmm, like 24 or something archetype stories that can be traced waaay back to the myths, so every story ever written and that ever will be written follows along one of those storylines. I'm not sure but I think it may be similiar with poetry. I stayed out of the poetry forum in the old hipforums because of ppl like you. Your criticism was not constructive. Its pretty easy to sit back and say thats terrible, its derrivitive blah blah. When ppl share their poetry it is like baring their soul, so it hurts when ppl bash it. That my friend is why people think you're an asshole.
  8. Cirrhosis

    Cirrhosis Banned

    Show you a love song I have written? Sure, okay.


    I traded all I never was
    Just to sleep another day
    In the arms of enchantment
    The fascinations of the few
    Ask anyone but me
    True bliss lies in far-off lands
    Search and you will see
    The waste of wasting youth

    I’m staid among my own
    In love with the witch’s brew
    Could you believe it’s real?
    Could you believe it’s all
    About to begin?

    Exchange all my misery
    Reassure the unaware
    Restitution is the answer
    For the estranged
    Lovelies must beware of
    What’s come and gone

    And I gave in to purity
    I gave in to give myself

    Fate lies in the lovers’ hands
    Their bodies lie within their minds
    And as I rose from my dream
    I found myself beyond the past
    Ask anyone but me
    This is the end of your end
    Search and you will see
    Beyond this fleeting abyss

    Exchange all my misery
    Reassure the unaware
    Restitution is the answer
    For the estranged
    Lovelies must beware of
    What’s come and gone

    I charmed the entities
    Charmed the charmer’s heart

    This dreamer’s remorse
    Has its stranglehold on me
    Let me be free
    This dreamer’s remorse
    Has its stranglehold on me
    Let me be free

    Are you all you cannot be?
    Will you be all you shouldn’t be?
    Let me be free

    You know, I've written 300 more songs over the past year and a half. Feel free to challenge me again.
  9. Fractual_

    Fractual_ cosmos factory

    ive found its best to keep your mouth shut when you think a poem is bad.

    and hey, what is the difference between saying i like this poem, what do you think? and saying i like the imagery in this poem, what do you think?

    i dont think thats a big difference...
  10. Cirrhosis

    Cirrhosis Banned

    But the difference is that she never said, "What do you think?" She told us the imagery was good. And I, for one, didn't see anything that great about it. The poem itself is slightly mediocre, considering it has no rhythm, no structure, no pattern. It's just, and this is only my honest opinion, broken sentences and half-assed ideas. I also see no creativity in word usage. Example: "Where it once was all soft" Not only is that very lazy writing, it's also absolutely horrible grammar.

    I understand the thing about poetry being close to one's heart, etc., etc. I never said it can't mean anything to anyone. I'm saying that, looking at it from a purely technical point of view, any editor who cared about his or her job and wasn't inept would reject that faster than you can say, "I wish I were E.E. Cummings."
  11. nimh

    nimh ~foodie~

    yeah paint it

    btw i liked it, it was raw and poignant, full and self-affirming.

  12. Fractual_

    Fractual_ cosmos factory

    she said it was crazy, not good, and that was her opinion, do you think everyone automatically believed her before forming their own opinion?
    if so, then thats their problem!!!
  13. Cirrhosis

    Cirrhosis Banned

    That's their problem? How? That's like throwing a rock at someone, and when it hits them, saying, "It's their fault for not moving!" If she isn't aware of the consequence and reactions of her actions, that's definitely her problem.

    And, yes, she did say crazy. And I (possibly) misinterpreted that to meaning "good". Of course, it wasn't exactly crazy, either. I haven't seen a "crazy" poem in a long, long time.
  14. Fractual_

    Fractual_ cosmos factory

    naw man, if someone cant think for themself, that IS their problem.
  15. Cirrhosis

    Cirrhosis Banned

    Okay, so fuck the "throwing a rock" analogy.

    Let's say you call a black friend of yours a ******, and he gets offended. Why, yes, that certainly is his problem. I mean, one doesn't get offended unless they want to, right? No, of course not. You know as well as I that saying something that is obviously offensive is your problem, and not his.

    She's well aware of what she said (at 23, she better be), and so she should be aware of the possible reactions.

    I take full responsibility for pissing her off.
  16. Everyone is just to his or her own opinion(s) , and i believe that constructive criticism is one of the only ways to improve one's poetry or writing in general. As far as Crystaleyez's poem is concerned, i believe that it was a bit trite. It perhaps contained a bit of that "woe is me" cliche', such as is seen in many 'angsty' poems. Although, I did enjoy the theme behind it, pain growing into something beautiful perhaps. As I see it, it was what the poet had learned from her experience, and revealed it through a very nice metaphor.
    Crystaleyez, I believe that every SUCCESSFUL writer must first have that initial creative spark to fuel his or her writing, and can only continue to grow from there, such as the sorrow-grown tree. ;) hehe! You have talent, and as far as the technicalities go, i believe you may need to work in that area, but that can be learned. You have that poetry 'flame' that many wish they could possess. I enjoyed your poem very much, and this is simply my constructive opinion, on how i think you can improve your piece. :) I would like to read more of your work. As far as people 'bashing' your work, don't take it to heart, if you are confident with your own poem then don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. Peace love and groovy!
  17. osiris

    osiris Senior Member

    lol. all this finger-pointing is funny, because it reminds me of someone standing in front of a mirror, talking to themselves! lol.

    and crystaleyez- please don't waste your time having hurt feeling because of someone's criticism. you must be prepared to get ripped. contrary to what some
    believe, criticism of any art is no more than opinion. about your poem: yea, you get so worked up, thinking its the one you love that hurts you, but its really just you, hurting yourself. i dig it.

    but to both of you(cirrhosis, crystal), in regard to your poems.... think you might try punctuation? i mean, you know, for emphasis? lol.

    much love :)
  18. Cirrhosis

    Cirrhosis Banned

    I've tried puncuation; I didn't really like it. Sure, I use it from time to time, but because my poems are lyrics without music, I'd like to put music with them before I decide where it stops, where it takes a breath, etc.

    Although the breaks between stanzas (which are actually verses, choruses, etc.) do serve as a proper indication of a pause.

    Edit: One more thing: There's absolutely nothing wrong with a heated discussion.
  19. roly

    roly Senior Member

    cirrhosis u are are soooooooo wrong, what gives u the right to slate other ppl's work? crystaleyez ur poem was sooooo really affecteed me....thank u :)
    the rolster.xxxxxxxxxx
  20. Cirrhosis

    Cirrhosis Banned

    Hahahahahahaha. You know, there's no such thing as a wrong opinion. Haha, wow, thanks for the laugh.

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