Pressure

A girlfriend of mine allowed her boyfriend to convince her to move 45 minutes out of the city. She didn't want to move, but she wanted to move in with him, and allowed herself to be convinced. She now lives in a pretty small town, away from most of her friends.

Well, at the end of last week, she was trying to convince me to go visit her over the weekend. I didn't want to. I am not a fan of this particular town she lives in, and I love my neighborhood, especially during the spring/summer months. I told her I would think about it, but that I didn't want to make any commitments.

On Sunday morning, upon waking up, my husband tells me that he has gotten text messages from both my friend, AND her boyfriend, telling him to try and convince me to go visit her. So my husband, scumming to the pressure he is getting from these people (who are both adults in their 40's, btw), starts pressuring me from the moment I wake up, to go visit her. This results in a fight. I am not a fan of doing something I don't want to do, and I am also not a fan of social pressure. I run to the beat of my own fucking drum.

I have a lot of respect for my friend, however I never would allow myself to be convinced to live somewhere I just didn't want to live, unless it was a very special and unique circumstance, like taking care of a sick family member.

My husband and I talked things out, and I told him that just because my friend allowed herself to be convinced to live somewhere that she did not want to live, did not mean that I would allow myself to be convinced to do things I didn't want to do.

Of course, I feel guilty for not going to visit her, and I know I am going to have to go visit her, sooner or later, otherwise I'd be a complete and utter bitch. But seriously - texting me husband to try and convince me to do something I didn't want to do? Grow the fuck up.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iyv905Q2omU

 

Maybe they moved out that far so they could have swingers parties and not wake the neighbours.


....or hunt and kill small animals.


....or both, at the same time

 

how old are you people?

sounds like highschool drama .....




just tell her to stop bugging you or you wont be her friend anymore

maybe write a little note and pass it to your husband to pass to her husband and he could pass it on to her ...put little drawings on the note too to make her feel special

 

Right?

 

My "best" friend lives 45 minutes away. She hasn't visited me in more than 6 months (though my husband and I were visiting her every chance we got until we started seeing just how much I mean to her).. She never even called or sent me a Facebook message,let alone came by when I was just right across town at the hospital with my deathly ill dad several times a week for nearly 3 months. She's been a really shitty friend and I'm just about to write her off. If you want to be that shitty friend and get written off, you go right ahead.

 

so why does her boyfriend live in this shitty small town? why couldn't he move closer to the city?

45 minutes really isn't that far. i've commuted 45 minutes to work every day before; driving that far to visit a friend isn't a big deal. but then, she's the one that decided to move to the middle of nowhere, so she should be willing to go back to the city to visit sometimes too.

 

so are you saying that if your hubby got a job or some other reason to move out of the city or some other location, you would divorce him rather than "allow yourself to be coerced"?

one other way to look at it is she is possibly depressed and in need of your friendship right now and when you turned down visiting her, out of a measure of desperation she had her hubby try.

sounds as if they are not the ones who need to grow up...
it's not always about you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWdLt3Afjrg

"love dares us to change the way of caring about ourselves"

 

I feel ya girl, i have the same kind of defiant personality where I cant really be coerced into doing anything I dont really want to do.

At the same time, I have also been in the situation where my life has changed drastically and I've had friends who werent really willing to bridge the distance.

The thing is...it feels shitty when your friends make a judgement call that you made a bad decision and arent willing to take steps to join you in your new life.

If you're willing to make a leap and decide officially that you dont want to be her friend anynore, that's fine.

But if you still choose to call her a friend, then you should at least consider the fact that it probably makes her feel like shit when you choose not to visit her.

 

Up until June 1st, he lived about 4 blocks away from me. She stayed at his place many nights, but didn't officially move in with him.

It isn't actually a shitty town, especially for sports minded people. He's an avid rock climber, and his main motivation for wanting to move there was so he could do his sports.

In any event, my issue isn't with the town, my issue is that they both texted my husband to get him to try and convince me to go visit my friend, when I had already said several times that I wasn't going to make it out to see her that weekend.

 

Honestly, sometimes a person has to say "no" and meet their own needs. I had an incredibly busy week, I was exhausted, I had things to do at home. It just wasn't the right time for me to go visit her. Is that such a bad thing? I will seriously lose my mind if I don't know how to say no to a few social invitations here and there. And I don't think that makes me a shitty friend. I've actually done a lot for this particular person, and I've been there for her when she's gotten into really ugly fights with her boyfriend. I don't think it's fair to say that I'm a shitty friend for needing a day to myself.

 

I reread my op, and it does make me sound like a real bitch.

 

Sounds like a complete tool

 

I'm not the biggest fan of him, to be completely honest.

 

Seeing as how we've got a few songs that fit with the thread title.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ9IXScip68

This is one of my all time, favorite songs, btw.

 

May As well Jump on the Bandwagon !
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKb0SSSGm-8&feature=youtu.be

 

Who knew that visiting a friend could be that big of a deal? She's not asking you to move in. Instead of throwing a fit and stomping your feet like a child about something you don't want to do, suck it up and visit her. Her life choices aren't yours to judge. She may be having a hard time with the move and just needs a friend to make her feel better. Good friends will do anything for their friends. You know what sucks more than being asked to visit a friend? Selfish people. Just sayin...

 

Sounds like this girl really wanted to see you. She's your friend, right? I'm surprised about your reaction to her texting your husband, Ash. What is the real source of your anger? The things you described (distance of the town, dislike of the town) seem like a small issue in the grand scheme of things. Are you upset that she seems to have given up her independence and aren't quite ready to deal with that?

 

who the hell moves 45 minutes to be closer to rock climbing? that really doesn't make sense, unless he rock climbs literally every day.

 

can't you guys meet half ways and hang out? or maybe she wants to show you her new place?