Post your "You Know You're Old When" Jokes

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You know you're old when you're getting together at your friends' house. (the graveyard)

You know your old when you're weight, IQ, and age are the exact same number.

 

You know you're older when everyone you meet reminds you of somebody else.

 

you know you're geting older when you start giving cashiers shit for NOT carding you for cigarettes.

 

You know you are old when the guy on the dollar looks young.

 

You know your old when you can't remember....
hang on what was the question again?
S

 

You know you're old when, while 'checking out' a girl/guy, you suddenly feel embarassed when you realize that it's a friend's son/daughter!

 

Getting old when
You know you're getting older when...

Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

 

You Know You're Getting Old When...


* People are constantly putting a mirror under your nose while you nap to see if you're breathing.

* You finally find something you've been looking for, for ages but can't remember why you wanted it.

* You get to work before you discover you forgot to get dressed.

* You reach the toilet you forgot what you wanted to do.

* Tightening your belt becomes uncomfortable under your armpits.

* You can't finish a conversation, because you don't remember what you were talking about.

* Your spare tire is larger than your car's.

* You are abducted by aliens, but immediately returned in favor of a living specimen.

* Your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep.

* You are declined as an organ donor - you're told they're not sure if your organs are functional.

* Most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..."

* Bob Dole refers to you as, "old man."

* Going to the bathroom at night used to require shoes, a candle and a corn cob.

* The Smithsonian request your participation in an exhibit "The Evolution Of Man."

* The fire department is requested to attend your birthday party in case the candles on your cake get out of hand.

* George Burns calls to congratulate you on your birthday, saying, "It's just you and me, kid." Update: "Now it's just you, kid!"

* The dictionary adds your picture under the definition of "octogenarian."

* You had to get rid of your dog he kept trying to drag you to the yard to bury you.

* Medicare states that you're too old for their coverage.

* You can't be tried by a jury of your peers because there are none.

* Universities inquire about your donating your body to science they are desperate for specimens of ancient civilizations.

* You try to donate to a sperm bank but they insist they require live specimens.

* Everyone is happy to give you a ride because they don't want you behind the wheel.

* Your dentist is fascinated by your wooden dentures.

* Your bifocals need bifocals.

* You're not allowed on most of the rides at DisneyWorld because they may be too intense.

* A passing funeral procession pauses to see if you need a lift.

* You convince an attractive young lady to sleep with you but fail to convince your body parts to arise to the occasion.

* Young girls feel safe in your presence knowing you couldn't possibly do anything.

* Watching paint dry has a certain fascination.

* Children often innocently ask you, "What did people do before electricity?" And you can't remember.

* You can remember seeing double features for a nickel, sometimes with sound.

* Charlton Heston comes to you for advice about his character, Moses, since you were there.

* You are often asked to give a personal account of the story of creation.

* You often repeat things...You often repeat things... You often repeat things...

* You discover the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.

 

YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN...



- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

- Happy hour is a nap.

- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

- It takes twice as long to look half as good.

- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

- Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

 

when you forget your own age

 

You know you're old when you try to make yourself look younger by plastering yourself with dirt. (Hint: Mud masks)

 

the highlight of your week is when they serve jello mold for dessert.

 

you know you're old when you post a topic, or start a website containing "you know you're old when" jokes.