post a joke

post a joke here....try and credit the author

College Buddies

One of my old buddy’s from college, Chuck, called me and asked me to come hang out with them at the bar one night. Well, over the years I have gained about 20 pounds, and of course Chuck noticed it right away and yells across the bar, “Damn, Joey... how did you get so fat?”
To which I replied, “Because every time I bang your wife she makes me a sandwich.” Needless to say, Chuck never invited me out again.



bob and tom show
Learning to Curse

Two boys decide they are getting old enough to curse. One tells the other, when mom calls us downstairs for breakfast this morning I will use the word damn and you use the word ass. Mom asks the first boy what he would like for breakfast.
"Damn mom, I think I'll have myself some cheerios."
Mom yanks him out of his chair and swats his behind and sends him up to his room then, looks at the brother and says, and what do you want for breakfast???
The other boy says, "You can bet your ass I don't want any cheerios!"



bob and tom show

 

a man decides to have a fancy dress party - the theme, emotion

the first guest to arrive at the door had painted themselves entirely green. the host asked, 'what are you supposed to be???'

'i am green with envy'

the host laughs, lets them in.

the next guest was a woman wearing a pink feather boa

'i am tickled pink'

afterward two jamaican guys arrive at the party - one with his penis in a carved out pear and the other with his penis in a bowl of custard

'what the hell are you supposed to be????' asked the host..

the one man answered - 'well i have cum in dis pear and he is fucking dis custard' :frown:

 

What happened to the man that died on viagra? They had to bury him in a open coffin.

 

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

 

the jigsaw puzzle

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


from bob and tom.com

 

The Help Line

An ad comes on the radio "Do you know someone who is an alcoholic or are you one? Then call this special number immediately." So Shamus O'Reilly knowing he has had a drinking problem for years hears the ad and calls the number. The voice on the phone answers "Thanks for calling Martinelli's Liquor Store, how may I help you?"



from bobandtom.com

 

I dont know any good jokes

 

When Amy Winehouse died, a lot of her school friends came to the funeral.

There were some from Class A, some from Class B, and some from Class C.

 

what do you say to an irish man in a suit?

will the defendant please rise

 

I heard Elton John preformed a beautiful rendition of Candle under the spoon at her funeral.

 

a door to door salesman is invited into a home. the wife is in there running the lawnmower back and forth over the carpet and the husband has one hand in the fish tank and one hand in his pants. the salesman leaves, weirded out. he goes to the next house and mentions the occurrence to them. they say they are deaf. she was telling him to cut the grass. he was telling her to go fuck herself he's going fishing.

 

An old Indian was asked the name of his wife, he replied, "wife name Three Horse"

When he was asked what it meant, he replied, "it's an old Indian name, mean nag, nag, nag.

 

warning..this joke is really disgusting

Vampire's Favorite Drink

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of boiling water. The bartender looks at the vampire and says, "I thought you people only drank blood?"
The vampire grins as he pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

 

also from bob and tom show


Don't Lie to Your Wife

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"?
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box..."

 

guy stops by a roadside fruit stand. guy there tells him he has peaches that taste like anything you can imagine. well, do you have one that tastes like PB+J? yeah, here. takes a bite: this taste like peanut butter. "turn it over" takes a bite: this tastes like jelly.

well, do you have one that tastes like pussy? yeah, here. takes a bit: this tastes like shit!!

turn it over!!

 

Why can't midget girls use tampons?



They keep tripping on the string

 

A Bar Story
A South African, an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Canadian walk into a bar.
The bouncer says, "Sorry, guys: I can't let you in without a Thai."


from bob and tom

 

this ones probably my fave.. i heard it from somewhere else..

but,

what's the difference between your mom and a rhinocerous?








V
v



V




ones got big lips and a fat ass, and the other lives in the wild.

 

Did you hear that Greece and Turkey are going to stop exporting hummus and taramasalata?

Apparently there's going to be a double dip recession

 

crime in multi-storey carparks, it's wrong on so many levels