Please help me!! How do I forgive my husbands affair?

I had to grow up pretty fast. I had my first child at 16 and second at 17 years old. I moved out to live with my now husband at 17 years old and by the age of 23 I had had five children by c-section. My parents were in and out of prison and battled with addictions so by the time I was 13 years old I had lived in over 10 different households due to my parents struggles.

I used to be an athlete and had several scholarships and was involved in a lot of extra curricular activities. In the beginning of my relationship my husband was a loud confident football jock who was very popular. He had a lot of friends and was very charming and a holster. He skippped school smoked weed had a bad rep for being a ladies man and had female friends. Yet he was very sweet to me. He would buy me lunch everyday, come to my games and take me out. He would get jealous anytime I communicated with boys and didn’t approve of me having male friends. After I moved in with him he changed. He became controlling and abusive and didn’t want to work. I have pictures of my broken ankle, busted lips, bruised jaws, blood dripping from my head. I’ve been choked dragged, punched in the eyes & face. Almost ran over by cars. We’ve been together 21 years and have had about twenty fights. They were usually because he wanted to control me. He would go to the park around the corner with his friends hang out at their houses or be playing video games. The sweetness stopped for a while and anytime I wanted to go somewhere he wouldn’t babysit. He wouldn’t change diapers or make bottles. Still I stayed. I lived with him at different relatives houses and we survived. There were times that I was the breadwinner and walking the kids to school and daycare or catching rides until eventually I went back to school and graduated and bought a car and and rented a house we’ve been in 9 years now.

At one point I started rebuilding my confidence and started socializing again. I grew up singing and started meeting with producers. My husband doesn’t support my dreams and thinks I live in fantasy land. He complained about me going to meet a producer at a networking event but I still went because I took my sisters. Long story short they end up getting in a fight and I was in the ER all night with a dead phone and no charger. I got back around 5 am the next morning to accusations and questions. He had assumed I went and had sex with this man and questioned me about it for three days. He went through my search history and social medias. Eventually it died down. Then about a year later he comes and says he cheated on me. First he says he went to a brothel then a month later confessed to having a threesome with a man he calls his brother and receiving only a blow job from a woman he didn’t know. This confused me because initially I actually felt sad that he really thought I’d cheating and he seemed so filled with remorse. But then I was suspicious and started looking at his Facebook activity,

I’m not usually a jealous person but my husbands Facebook activity concerns me. He posts love reactions to womens photos and send hearts and fire emojis on their stories. Some of the women refer to him as baby and boo. He’ll say things like “you’re looking grown”. He compliments them and reacts to videos of their children. He’ll say things like “that almost made me cry”. “They’re growing up so fast.” I miss them, I don’t know they’re children. A few of the girls have posted sexual memes and he’ll comment . He’s not affectionate towards the women in his family. One girl from highschool he met after me he posted a tribute to her on her birthday recalling the first day he met her on different occasions. He’s always in her comments telling jokes and trying to make her laugh. They talk about their favorite shows and sports team. He usually likes or comments on her posts. One comment he made was like “ beautiful baby, beautiful skirt swoop!!” Or he’ll say he’s proud of her. There were messages where he would say he loved her. As soon as she had a business I remember him telling me about it and purchasing a product from her and posting online. When she went vegan he told me. When she was going to the gym he told me. He says he tells me about her so I can have more friends. I found out he used to go to her house to hang out with her and her cousins his friends and he knows all her family. He made up a nickname for her in highschool based on her hourglass figure and she’s very beautiful. I ask now does he think she is attractive he says I don’t look at her like that, it’s platonic. A few posts he refers to her as a sister. I’ve only been around her two times so I say why do you love her like a sister. He just says she’s one of the guys. But based on their constant online communication he likes her style, her smile, her taste in music, he likes discussing sports and her favorite things, they share common favorite shows. He remembers the first day he met her. But when I initially asked immediately it was defensive. Then he says social media is fake. But then I asked about all the tributes he’s made for his best friend who passed or vented to scowl media about missing him. He would also vent to social media hen he missed his brother who’s incarcerated for life: I asked why he never opened up to me about these and he said he didn’t want to worry me. But still if it’s fake why is it where you go when you’re looking for love and compassion? Another woman I know for sure he talked to in highschool on the phone atleast. After about our 5th conversation he admitted to her reaching out to him saying she was interested but says he declined: still at 5 am and 1 am and 2 am he’s sending love reactions to her stories and they share flirty comments. After about the 6th conversation he admitted to being attracted to two women. He had been asking for a threesome and messaged a few asking how to go about it. But says he didn’t want it with them.

I’m confused. He used to make me feel as if having male friends was disrespectful to our relationship. He would say they are attracted to me. He used to be very controlling of me going out with my sisters or anywhere he wasn’t there. I would be around his family and their events and he would be with his friends on holidays. I feel left out of his “social life”. He says it’s just social media and he’s not interacting with the women in person anymore but I feel like social media is still real people. When I would encourage him to be nicer to his mom and sisters he would get mad and say don’t worry about their relationship. His sister and mom would cry to me that they felt he didn’t love them. So it’s weird that if these women were having a bad day and he’s trying to crack jokes and cheer them up. They play Facebook games together. I feel like he takes no interest in my hobbies or dreams. He never really asks about my past of childhood memories.

For me it’s like he doesn’t realize it but he usually tells me stories from all the way until her was five years old.A lot of highschool stories too. He really has a great memory. There were atleast 25 from his past elementary through highschool and about five after that he interacted with regularly. I ask him what memory he has of them and he says he doesn’t know. I say what do you like about so and so he says he doesn’t know. Or first will even deny knowing the woman until I show him their communication. Idk it’s so confusing. I just want these thoughts to go away. Even acting like he didn’t meet her in Highschool. How could we ever have a threesome or enjoy friendships if we’re not open about chemistry and feelings. I asked about his prom night he said he didn’t remember. But under her pic he’s like that was one of the best night of my life I had hella fun. It’s like I feel if you want a woman to be both our friend or me understand your connection describe them if I don’t know them. Don’t pretend to have no connection and social media is fake. That’s suspect. Most those interactions lasted six years. But I guess if he really cares nothing about them and never has to speak to any of them again I have to respect that. He says I should appreciate he’s still here and doesn’t have outside kids. He says if he wanted them he would have had them. I say well I was pregnant so you probably didn’t want to abandon me but still felt attracted to them. He was like well that means I love you. Still I question why play with fire. Is it that he knows he connects with women so he doesn’t want me to be that way with men? I feel like healthy relationships communicate these things. I honestly wouldn’t mind if he was open about it all and didn’t get defensive and start accusing me. Still I’m probably coming off judgmental and accusatory as well.

Still at the same time why do I feel the need to dig up the past now. I know it was triggered by interactions with past women but still why do I allow it to make me feel less than? Why is my identity wrapped up in him to the point that I want to know all his thoughts and feelings to the point that it consumes me. It is damaging our relationship with each other and traumatizing our kids because we argue about it. It’s like I’m not understanding. I’m starting back therapy again and really want to focus on my healing. I want to be grateful for the positive but how do I heal the past? Me not knowing myself now causes me to also not know him. I’m over analyzing my whole life. Right now he is supportive so I have to get out and live. I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety and depression and he is supportive but I just don’t understand myself anymore. I don’t ever want my kids to think my issues are their fault and I don’t want him to live with guilt. I am a very deep person and now my trauma is mine to heal. But I would love any advice on where to start. And please feel free to ask any questions to help clarify.

 

I will never understand how women stay with men that treats them so badly, really on the first signs of violence you should have been planning an exit route from the relationship. Also the lack of birth control, when young, added to your predicament and it seems your life has been a oneway path downwards. I feel sorry for you but as much as I would like to I am unable to offer any solutions to your situation. You have learned the hard way that there is consequences to making poor decisions and you have to live with it. I wish you luck for the future.

 

It all started with her parents. The example shown was the inability of the parent to love the child. If a parent wants a child to have discipline and respect then the parent has to have discipline and respect for their peers and show love to the child. The parents being in and out of prison shows the lack of respect for their peers and love for their child. The substance abuse, many different households lived in, teenage pregnancy, and finally an abusive husband indicates this person does not know love. She never received love from her parents at the onset of her life and that is reflected in her choice of who she received love from in her teenage years and beyond. Now she has children that she needs to love but doesn't know how because she was never taught. She allows herself to be abused thinking this is the way people love. She almost has it as she has improved herself with the education she got for herself, the job, and the housing. But without knowing how to love it is futile. The main thing in this whole drama is the OP does not love herself. She has almost got it but the lack of learning to love, especially oneself, keeps her from succeeding in life.

She wants advice on where to start and the starting point is within herself. Love yourself with everything you have. Yes, be egotistical. Think and know you are the best person for you that you are. Until you do that you cannot fully love other people including your own offspring. Love comes from within and should start out as selfish love. As an infant everyone loves themselves as part of survival. The infant is selfish in its wants and needs. It has a raw level of love inside, self centered love, needed to survive. Only as the infant grows do they learn to express love to other people. But the infant must be taught and shown to love itself. Somewhere along the way the OP did not learn that love of herself. If she finds it, and she is very close to doing so, she will rise up above the abuse her parents and husband has done to her. Unfortunately she will not be around to hear this. She came, made this post, and has left the forum, probably never to return. It would be great if she did. Hopefully her therapist will recognize this dilemma and begin to teach her to love herself. Self love is the beginning to a wonderful life but until that is realized the human that doesn't remains in a tailspin.

 

Very sound advice and I enjoyed reading your answer and I also agree to your comment on her disappearing so quickly (and I hope my own comments did not lead to her exit)

 

I think it's time Joe football decided to grow up....