Placid

Might be some more editing to do, but here ya go anyways:

Placid

I sat high upon my rooftop
and watched as the sun made his way
beyond the edge of the world,
sinking in a blazing halo of gold,
quitting so silently the placid blue sky

And I saw the sleepy sun's final farewell
as he hurried towards a dawn in a far away land,
one last ray of light upon my face
one last glimmer through the trees

I watched the birds make their final rounds
soft circles in a sapphire sky
bidding farewell to the sun in their own graceful way
their majestic flight a gift to the setting sun
as they too prepared for sleep

And I, alone now with the sky
and the bottom-lit clouds still drifting in the breeze
turned my eyes from horizon's glowing smog
and gazed into that never-ending expanse of blue
glowing softer, calmer in the twilight
the sky and I both placid now in the fading light of dusk

 

I get this feeling from your wording that you're really trying too hard to -show- your mental picture. This is a pretty 'safe' piece, meaning many could appreciate it because it takes an easy path in terms of imagery.

 

You're right. it's basically description. I realize now it's only half done. Thanks.

 

but i like it alot man, keep on going with it, im diggin it!

 

Its nice but not one of my favs from you....
....nothing really grabbed me on this one.

 

I've always enjoyed your writing. You always overflow format with feeling. These were my favorite words/parts.

 

Thanks sylvan

 

You're wordy, but the repetition of "I" at the beginning of each stanza makes it almost not matter. All in all, I love it, but the word "placid" still reminds me of "flaccid." What made you choose that word?

If you're going to change the poem, please save a copy of this verison... it really resonated with me. I like the contrast that's in it with the smog at the end. Right on.