Performance Anxiety

Hi, I've never done this before (post on a forum), but I figured that I would see if anyone else has any advice in a problem I've been having.

I actually came out about 6 months ago and I am now 20 years old and in my first serious relationship and am, although extremely cheesy, in love. My boyfriend and I just recently had sex for the first time (about 3 months into our relationship) and, unfortunately, I had some significant performance anxiety during. I was completely fine until the time came that I was going to top and one change of position led to losing my erection. My nerves and concentration got the best of me! Luckily, I have a partner that was understanding enough to switch positions and it worked completely fine. Although it ended okay, I still feel quite a bit of failure that I was unable to maintain my erection. (Mind you, I was a virgin before all of this so it was my first time at actual sex at all.)

So, now I'm worried about next time. I know that it's expected that I will top next time and now I'm just constantly nervous anticipating the time to come. I know that once I get through it for the first time, it won't be any big deal as I will gain the confidence (and know-how) for the future. But, until then, I'm seemingly grasping for straws to find out what I can do to avoid having this problem happen again. It's not at all that it's an attraction issue as I am completely fine in everything else that we do...but for some reason, this is just a killer for me. Every fiber of my being want this to happen but I can't seem to get my confidence as I really want to please my boyfriend and for him to know that I am attracted to him. Is there anything that anyone can help shed some light on this issue and to help me overcome this stupid anxiety? I really appreciate it - especially taking the time to read this really long message! haha

THANKS!

 

I have been a total top all of my (sexual) life. I daresay, that I know a thing or two about topping...

Redefine your definition of sex.

You are not a paid performer who has to do the deed. You are a playmate in an interaction. No one, not even your partner has any right to expect that you PERFORM in any particular way. You are having sex because you feel like it. See it as an exploration in personal intimacy.

Do not make any plans or draw any scenarios. Life is NOT a porn movie. And you are under no obligation to achieve anything, save care and show respect towards your BF.

If you take it easy, and let the play begin, you'll discover what pushes your buttons. (Judging by your OP, you are pretty young, and a bit of newbie, too.)

You'll soon discover that certain acts, words or gestures actually trigger a powerful sexual response on your part. The beauty of sex is not to mimic the porn studs but to discover what works best for you and your partner.

Once you learn the basics, you'll start learning how to detect more triggers, and be even more sexual.

I used to be totally into very spontaneous acts of sex. Like, we went jogging, and got going on the floor as soon as the house door closed behind us. My BF played along. This was not his fav MO but life is a give and take...

I did not care too much for a candlelight dinner, ride back home (or to the hotel), and having sex between the satin sheets. I would do it, because my BF wanted it that way. Honestly, I do not thing he was seeing the same kind of stars as when I was doing it "my way"... but I went along anyway.

Within weeks, we started understanding each other better. He actually started liking the spontaneous, rough sex. I started enjoying the sensual shower after dinner sex...

Practice makes perfect.

KD

 

Best thing to do is just relax, take your time, and enjoy the moment. If it happens again, just switch positions again. The more relaxed and into it, the fewer problems you'll have.