About a year and a half ago we had a good friend pass away from cancer. After his death, wake and spreading of the ashes we basically inherited his older brother as our new friend. He had just moved to town several months earlier to take care of his brother and seemed like a pretty decent guy, not someone I could see being close friends with, but decent. Being caring people ourselves we started inviting him over to our Sunday barbeques and occasional dinners. As it turns out I think we inherited a pedophile. It was not too long when I began to feel uncomfortable with him around our then 5 y/o daughter. He would compliment her hair and then touch her hair. He seems way too interested to have her up in his lap and explains sexually inappropriate things that may have been heard on a movie being watched. He has even entered into fantasy roll playing where he and my daughter played a game where they were husband and wife with dolls for kids. I obviously don't let them out of my sight so he has never had a chance to be alone with her. Is this man a pedophile or just a lonely, childless, divorced fifty year old who loves kids and really cares for my daughter like an uncle would? Is this person a sexual predator or just dorky guy who has no idea that he is behaving outside acceptable parameters. I checked the sex offender registry here and in his former state and he is not listed. At this point I'm not sure what to do next. Over the last three or four months we have been avoiding the situation. He has been out of town working and we have made excuses for not having him over, but I need to put it to rest. I have avoided confronting him because accusing someone of being a pedophile is a pretty serious thing. Any advise from you other parents out there. Should I talk to him? Tell him to stay the fuck away from my daughter? Just blow him off? I am at a loss. I do know I will stick to my parental gut feeling and will never trust him around my daughter. The whole thing makes me sick. In 18 years of parenting I have only once had this feeling about someone before, but the other man was an obvious sleezbag myself and some other fathers ran off from the playground, not my dead best friends brother.
Obviously, not all perverts are registered sex offenders, for a number of reasons. Maybe they haven't been caught yet, or haven't actually committed a crime. In any case, you should always go with your instincts, and i think you're absolutely right to keep an eye on them. You need to keep an eye on your daughter with people you do trust, and blood relatives too, because you can just never be for sure. Maybe he does mean well, and just has poor social skills. Not having kids of your own can make it really tricky to know how to act around one, and know what is appropriate or not. In that case, he should have no problem with you calling him on it. Just say "you know, they way you're holding her could really be misinterpreted, maybe you should just ask her to sit next to you instead" If he gets defensive, err on the side of caution and consider it a red flag. If he truly means no harm, he'll understand--he may be surprised "OMG you're right, i'm so sorry!" but if he makes excuses, cut him loose just in case. At the very worst, you'll lose a friend. Much better than letting your little girl get hurt.
Absolutely, we have four teenagers also and I can multi-task. I can cook, carry on an in depth conversation with some one while drinking a beer...and know where every kid is, what they are doing and with whom. I've lost friends before over much less. Great advice for many situations. That feeling in your gut in usually right.
I wouldn't trust him... This might sound a bit paranoid, but you should also be careful with any male, even those related to you. Most kids who are abused, are abused by a family member. Also, many paedophiles are good at hiding it.
Really, alaska, trust your instincts. Your daughter is more important to you than this person. I wouldn't go as far as to say "don't trust any male" at all. There are plenty of men I trust around my daughters, but you are a good dad, with good intincts, and, I think you know the answer to this dilema. Peace, brother.
I have a 5 and a 4 year old and it might be paranoid but I don't let them sit in any mens laps at all. When someone trys it, I explain they are big enough to sit on their own and have a conversation. When it comes to them I don't really care who I offend. Any kind of sexual conversation with them I am sure I would more then clear that they should never come back. The only thing close to this that happened to us was a freind of my stepbrother who made some crack about my daughter learning early because she was swinging on a pole. After he picked himself back up, I think he got the message.
Thanks Maggie, Absolutely true that my daughter is way more important than anyone other than those who have the same status, ie. dw and other kids. I guess my quandry is in the severance of the relationship and how I do it. We've been avoiding his presence by making excuses like, "No we're not barbequeing", or "The kids have runny noses", or other lame excuses. I didn't want to accuse someone unjustly or push a true sicko to vindictiveness.
I assume your wife agrees with you on this one. If so just say, "Dear Sir, please stay away from my home and my family. You are not welcome here. I do not owe you any explanation."
The OP is from 2006, so this seems not to be an active issue. For any parent dealing with a similar issue in the US or Canada, contacting The National Child Abuse Hotline might be worthwhile, 1-800-4ACHILD, www.childhelp.org. For other countries, a search for child abuse or child sex abuse resources may turn up something. In the OP's case, it sounds like that guy at the very least had a poor sense of appropriate boundaries with a child. That doesn't necessarily make him a child sex offender, but it's probably best to err on the side of caution.
Some people are childlovers or and boylovers girlovers but would never abuse or have sex with children. Maybe also person could be a BL OR A GL. Not all adults who are attracted to children are sex offenders or abusers.
I agree. From reading the original post I wouldn’t be allowing this guy over my doorstep if I had young children or not. He just might be a very nice guy who really does love children. But then? No. He sounds like a right weirdo to me. And Mike is right. Get shot!
