My girlfriend sleeps around; I don't. That's not quite accurate. She doesn't usually sleep around, but she does keep two regular lovers on the side. On an average week, she'll spend two nights -- or at least evenings -- with one or the other. I've never met them, but she's told me their names and given me their cell numbers in case of emergency. After we'd been dating steadily for about four months and were preparing to take an apartment together, she laid it out for me. Although she cared very deeply for me, she said, she needed variety. That would be true, she assured me, whether she was living with me or someone else. It was just a fact, and could I accept it or not? To my own surprise, I could. I've always been a mediocre lover -- after I finish, girls don't moan or shudder; they sigh and kiss me on the cheek as if to say, "Thanks for trying." Though I've never been able to get any of my exes to say so openly, I've always believed that my uninspired bedroom performance had hastened the end of several relationships that were otherwise ideal. This way, at least, I wouldn't wonder whether she'd decide she'd had enough and leave me. We already knew she'd leave two nights a week and stay the other five. We set up some ground rules. First, she was not to bring either of her lovers home. (If they gave her a lift home, fine, but they needn't see her to the door.) Second, she was not to sleep with any of my friends. Third, if she became pregnant, paternity was to be established immediately. If the child wasn't mine, and if she decided to keep it, I would not support it. Fourth, if we went out together, we would come home together. She's held steadfastly to the first two rules. The third, thank God, we haven't had to worry about yet. And the fourth she's broken only once. While we were out at dinner one night, a professor at our local university overheard her talking about photographing the wreck of the U-853, a WWII-era German sub that had sunk off the coast of Rhode Island. Squeezing into our booth, he gushed over the photos she'd stored on her cell phone and began telling his own stories about diving for the wreck of the Andrea Doria. She seemed so excited to be talking about underwater photography -- something I know nothing about -- that I couldn't say no when she collared me on the way to the bathroom and asked if she could go home with him. I went straight from the men's room to my car. One thing I wanted to avoid was the smug look on the guy's face. Of course, I'm free to make my own arrangements on the side, but I haven't so far. For one thing, I've never been a pick-up artist. Small talk and banter are not in my repetoire. Neither, for that matter, is sex for sex's own sake. Since puberty, I've bounced from one soulmate to another. My girlfriend can sleep with a man and wake up thinking of him as nothing more than a good friend who shares one of her hobbies. Me? I'd either fall in love all over again or end up feeling as though I'd wasted an evening. It also helps that my girlfriend neither looks nor acts like a slut. She never wears minis, thongs, or CFMs. She's a tomboy: has freckles, plus fifteen adorable pounds of puppy fat. Even when we go out to dinner, she usually throws her hair up in a ponytail and forgets to put on makeup. Once men start talking to her, they inevitably start to love her a little -- but they won't usually cross a dance floor to hover at her side. I've even learned to love the moments when she stumbles through the door after one of her liaisons. With her hair looking like a bird's nest and her eyes half-shut from fatigue, she wears the just-fucked look well, I have to say. She'll usually fall right across the threshold, into my arms, and presses her face against my chest. I waltz us both into the shower (by unspoken agreement, she never showers at her lovers' houses), and wash us both clean. Next, we fall into bed, and she wraps herself around me like a bear cub clinging to a tree. It's always -- or almost always -- at that moment when the macho man in me can shut up and admit that deep down, I'm knowing she's being well seen to. What do you think? Weird? Pathetic?
your a pathetic moron. get out of the relationship and just be friends or somthing. if your girfriend would rather go and fuck other guys than help you be good in bed, then she isnt worth it. what do i know its your relationship i guess, all i know is i would feel like a worthless cuckhold of a man. whatever i guess your into being walked all over.
Hey, are you that voice in my head? Sometimes I think in exactly those terms. At other times, usually after reading some damn scientific report about how unnatural monogamy is, I'll think to myself, "Fuck it. At least this way I never have to wonder." Trust me, a few years ago, I'd never have considered this. But from the beginning, she and I meshed so well psychologically -- we finished one another's sentences, understood one another's childhood traumas, blah, blah, blah -- that I let myself be persuaded. Maybe one day I will move on to someone else. Or maybe I'll do like she does and find a part-time shack-up. No one's signed any contracts yet.
You really seem like a sweet type of guy but seriously, get rid of her!!! Can't have the cake and eat it too! The story about the professor and you and her is quite sad. Is this chic heartless? Chances are there is something better out there. Get out before she brings home presents that will make you itch.
"Heartless" doesn't quite do her justice. She's very tender and open; but at a certain point in her life, for reasons I'd rather not go into, she separated tenderness from sex. I've often thought that might be more common than most people like to admit. Hell, look at Bill Clinton. Oh, and as for "bringing something home," have no fear. Rule #5, which I forgot to mention, is no sleeping with West Africans, bisexuals, or heroin addicts. But finally, no, I'm not altogether comfortable with the arrangement. Writing it all down, I found myself sentimentalizing her, and it. But my actual feelings are much more mixed than I let on.
If you're happy with it, I don't see the problem. But you don't sound happy with it. Particularly with her going after someone new while you two were on a date. Maybe you need more limitations. Maybe it needs to be committed polyamory (two or more partners), not just open (can fuck whoever she wants pretty much). Maybe you need someone different. I really think you need to talk with her about it though, because we aren't any of the parties involved.
Thank you. And agreed. But before I talk to her, I need to talk to myself, as it were, and figure out exactly what I want. That's why I'm bouncing my ideas off y'all. (You can probably guess why I haven't shared my problems with too many real-life friends.) You know, I've never put this into words before, but I've always thought that she and I were perfect together because we're both damaged goods. She can't stay faithful to one man, I can't please even one woman.
You're too hard on yourself with this sex thing. Sex techniques can be learned. Best done if your partner will tell you what turns her on, even if you've never done it before, even if it sounds terribly kinky at the moment and you need time to roll it through your head. There are tons of tips floating about on here. And on other forums. Cunnilingus to fingering to other erogenous zones. It can be learned, it just takes more time and effort than if it came naturally, that's all. But, I hear ya about the bouncing it off of friends thing. My last bf had another gf (we met, got along, she's a nice gal, polyamorous couple but this was their first foray into either of them trying it out) and it was hard to figure out who I could tell and who could handl eit.
Thanks for the encouragement. You're right that lovemaking should involve plenty of R & D. But my sense of my own inadequacy as a lover is only one of the reasons I've stuck with this woman, in spite of all the curves I've been thrown. The most important, as I wrote earlier, is the psychological and intellectual compatibility. It's only because I understand her as well as I do that her insistence on "variety" doesn't feel like a personal insult. And weirdly enough, some part of me admires her for being such a free spirit. Sometimes I wish I thought less and did more; of course, she sometimes wishes she thought more and did less, so we complement each other. Anyway, thanks a lot for empathizing. Do you happen to know any websites where I might find some articles on polyamory? Only after seeing the word tonight did I remember that it's a lifestyle with established conventions and everything.
Some might call you a chump, but if this is what suits you guys, then enjoy. I used to see a woman who was biggest slut and the best fuck in town. We had a hot thing going and fucked and sucked everywhere. She had a thing where if she saw a guy she liked, she had to fuck him. Good thing was, I felt the same way about every woman I met. It was cool, we didn't worry about it. We just enjoyed each other and anyone else who suited our fancy. Mind the fact that this was during the sexual revolution and Aids wasn't around. The coolest thing was that we talked about the people we had sex with, every detail. This led to us having a FFM threesome and some really hot sex before we eventually went our separate ways. I would tell you to enjoy it while you can, and for what it is, don't be a chump.
I would put some work on your feelings toward satisfying a woman. Be more specific... Why, when, wherefore? I don't necessarily think there's anything intrinsically wrong with your situation and she does sound like an amazing woman. But it also sounds like you're a very sensitive dude, and that having to share her all the time hurts. Not to psycho-analyze you or anything, but maybe you're looking to be slighted or punished in some way or another.
Dont be a chump and let this girl walk all over you, which youve already let her do once. YOU gotta take control, or restructure your own expectation for the relationship. Whats good for her is good for you too, you know?
Sorry man, but most people who would do this get off on it somehow. For instance she comes home telling you about it and it turns you on like nothing else. That is fine. I am not getting that from you. What I get from you is that you have little to no self esteem and are doing this to keep someone you don't feel you deserve in the first place. That is just sad. She is taking advantage of you for stability and her affairs have nothing to do with you at all. You can try and convince yourself that this is alright but your just being weak. Its a lot like women fucking married guys and then waiting around for them telling themselves they must be more then a fuck toy. Work on building some self confidence in yourself and your love making abilities. There are women that feel they are bad in bed to, find one and work on each others insecurities instead on building more into your life. Good luck.
By the way, do you think this is something she would have said to someone with more self confidence in themselves?
Gentlemen, I thank you. Even while acknowledging the complexity of our relationship, I have to admit that I'd never have agreed to her conditions if I hadn't been numbed and broken by all my past disappointments. Diminished expectations are a pretty dangerous thing to take through life; if you expect little, you'll probably settle for less. I posted this mainly because I was starting to believe that I had, in fact, sold myself short. If people who post on the Free Love thread of HipForums (and who, presumably, have no strong prejudices in favor of monogamy) agree, then I must not be too crazy for thinking so. Now, please, don't any of you worry. As you may have gathered, I'm not a rash guy. I'm not going to come home this evening, punch g/f in the mouth, and scream, "That's from the gang on Hipforums, you rotten whore!" What I will do, though, is give serious thought to setting down some new ground rules. For example, I might suggest she find another place to live. If I weren't sharing my personal space with her, I might not feel as though my investment were being under-rewarded. If she can't adjust -- hell. Singlehood never killed anyone.
I'm glad we could be helpful, Booga. Like you said, I have no strong prejudices in favor of monogamy, if anything the opposite. However, I believe mutuality should govern human relations. In your case, it seems you're getting the short end because you are bothered enough to post on a forum. If you were also out there experiementing, it'd have been another story. Communication is everything. I'm pretty sure you have a fascinating woman in your hands, so I hope you guys can re-arrange your relationship. She needs to help you with your self-esteem toward other women, and she'll do it if she indeed cares deeply about you. Cheers! P.S.: Singlehood CAN kill you. I think I'll die of it pretty soon if things remain sterile in my love life.
You can still get STDs from non high-risk groups. Her not sleeping with these groups will reduce the risk, but you could still get something. Maybe make another rule to get tested once or twice a year.
Or maybe he could get his balls re-attached and put an end to this sick s**t. It's outrageous she's stepping all over you in the most unloving way I have ever seen, I would rather be single than be with a woman like this. I too have loved someone very much she was and still is my soulmate..we broke up a week ago but I told her from day one" you fuck with me, you're gone" .. meaning that if she cheated we split and I still was thinking the same thing when we were madly in love. I imagine it would totally gross me out to touch her knowing that she had sex with other people, she would feel......tainted. I'm very strict about cheating..... I’m very open to other things but this is my only prejudice.
I find jimmydean's language to be a bit harsh, but in essence i agree with him. Fuck this, dude. You deserve better. All it takes to be a good lover is willingness to listen and an open mind. And it helps to hit it with someone who happens to find you sexy. That's all. You don't have to resign yourself to a lifetime of this. Imagine your ideal relationship, how she would be, how you would be as a lover. Then go out and find/create that. It will take some work. It will be fun, too. You obviously truly love this girl. But this ain't right. Stay friends with her. Then, in a year or so, you can tell her about this extraordinarily beautiful girl you're with who has mind blowing orgasms in bed with you, and can't get enough. You can do it. Have faith in yourself.
WOW........most of the guys I know...AND the girls, would have left her a long time ago !!!.......your TOO nice !!
