once. twice.

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by browneydgrl, Jan 5, 2005.

  1. browneydgrl

    browneydgrl Member

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    once. twice. never again...you are
    always one step ahead of my stop sign
    break, shatter, i never could bend
    but this times what seeps thru your lyrics and sweat
    will be mine

    the shock of a slight change
    reverberations of mind games
    so soft and sweet and untelling
    i would melt for every flame you ignited inside me;
    rain down on you in ashes of wet lust
    with the heartbeat of
    real love
    and you would melt too
    into me
    fade together
    not once. not twice. but forever.
     
  2. VanAstral

    VanAstral Member

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    very smooth, nice job!
     
  3. kidder

    kidder Member

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    It feels like a song and I'm sure it is. I'm working on the melody in my head.
    'so soft and sweet and untelling
    i would melt for every flame you ignited inside me'
    Oh, I liked those lines!
     
  4. browneydgrl

    browneydgrl Member

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    unfortunately i am not at all gifted at putting melody to lyrics :rolleyes:
     
  5. KittenX

    KittenX Purrrific

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    Hey, that was loverly! The intro and ending are tied up nicely, last line resonates. First stanza was my favorite as I got caught up in the flow.
     
  6. FullPower

    FullPower Member

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    That was a good piece of work ~! Rhetorically its lyricl ofcourse ... plusating metaphors ...... with fragrances of post-impressionist romantic poetry, amalgamted with the thinking processes of our times. ... anyways, dont want to sound "heavy-duty"... Keep on scripting "little packets of inspirations" .... it makes me feel good to read your works .... you made my day ~! Peace and Love,

    FP
     
  7. Burbot

    Burbot Dig my burdei

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    i love the lack of stanzza structure ...one is short, the other long...
     
  8. fulmah

    fulmah Chaser of Muses

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    I really liked the flow this one has, and the images work well within it. The second stanza I thought especially awesome, as the passion there takes it up a notch. The only thing I can think of maybe changing is some of the line breaks to force the flow you want it to have, but regardless; this was lovely stuff!
     
  9. gdhmomchild

    gdhmomchild Duct tape abuser

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    ~* Truly a nice piece. Very nice indeed. Rereading it, different things pop out. Thanks!
     

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