I've known this guy for a year (although immediately he began texting me constantly when we weren't together) and we began having sex a couple months ago. At the beginning neither of us wanted to define it (my past interests have always been with women) and just wanted to see where it would go on it's own. His mom is sick and his union is going on strike...a lot to deal with right now on his plate. We spend our free time together, he leaves stuff in a drawer at my place, we go out together, he calls 2-3 times a day and nights that he doesn't sleep over he talks to me on the phone for a couple hours before going to sleep. He sends me text messages throughout the day. He has said he doesn't want to 'share' me and I have ended my other sexual relationships when I realized that I didn't want to share him either. Sometimes cuddling and talking in bed is more important to him than sex (although never for the whole night) and he is very good at nurturing and asking for nurturing as well. He tells me that no one has ever known him like I do, that his greatest fantasy has always been to find someone who liked and accepted all of him the way I do, he asks if he is worth waiting for (sexually) and seems to hint that he wants even more time with me. He is interested in my life and in sharing about his as well. He has said he loves me once but I never hold anyone to things they say during sex. He says he's never been in love before. I told him today that I want to put a label on what we are doing together because I am getting attached to him. He said that he understands how I feel but that he needs more time before he can do that - when things settle down with his mom and now work. He said that he is afraid that he doesn't have time to give me until these other things have calmed down. I am confused by this - we spend so much time together now at his urging. And yes, if we labeled it fuck buddies we would be spending less time together because yes, I would distance myself. If we labeled it dating I would do some distancing although less. My behavior is as if we are seeing each other. My body trusts him more that it's ever trusted anyone...that intensity of my openness with him is what scares me. I don't want more of him, just emotional permission to enjoy fully what we are exploring together or a word to describe what we are doing enough for me to create appropriate boundaries for myself emotionally. He has expressed his fear of my getting bored with the novelty of being with a guy and deciding to stick with women. I have told him that my attraction is to him specifically and I'm willing to explore that with him but that there is unlikely to be another guy after him. I have come out to my close personal friends about my being involved with a guy and he's expressed his desire to go to stuff with me with my friends as well. While I would love to just live in the moment with this (it is such an amazing series of moments) I am afraid that with my emotions getting involved that I could be making a mistake. Most everything makes me think that we are on the same page here - but the lack of willingness to define what that page is (hence allowing us to be clear about it) conversely makes me think it would be wiser for me to run for the hills before I become even more attached. I am hoping for a outside point of view here...guys opinions too please, as I've no clue how the male brain operates. Should I stay or should I go?
I think what you need to do is tell him how emotionally attached you are getting and even though he has a lot going on right now, you want to be there for him and with him. It sounds to me like he doesn't want you getting involved or he doesn't want to hurt you by being distant at times when things get tough... My boyfriend came into my life as my father passed. We were good friends before but if I didn't have him during my hardest time with my dad, I'd be lost. Make it a point to be there for him while his mother is sick and he's facing these stresses. If you are that serious about him, it will prove a lot to him and would probably make him see that there is a future with you two.
I expressed myself last night to him on the phone and I also re-iterated how important having a label for what we are is to me. I told him that I am attached and behaving as if we are dating or seeing each other and if we are instead fuck buddies I feel like I need to know so that I can scale back my behavior and in turn protect my emotions. He listened to me but had nothing to say. He texted me this morning just like usual. I don't think that he is playing games - yet my best friend thinks that not being willing to label this something is a game that is dangerous to me given my attachment. I usually don't get attached easily. Part of me doesn't want to cut off my feelings, at least not knowing definitively that they are not returned. His actions have me believe that they are returned and his touch makes me feel safe. Yet I know that I don't understand males - a woman doing these same things would mean that she is attached as well and lack of labeling would mean she isn't ready to accept that within herself yet. But when someone else tells me that he is playing games with me I have to remember that guys are different than women and that, yes, he could be playing games with me - throwing out emotional hooks (as my friend said) to get me attached to him when he doesn't feel that way. Please, help me sort this out. I don't want to run but I don't want to be manipulated either. Frankly I wish I hadn't talked to my friend about this as before I did I really was just feeling really good in the moment with what we are/were doing...and not having a label for it had me feeling safer to just feel as well. Now I am confused and don't know what to do.
Hey Star... I hear ya, as a person who enjoys stating an obvious perspective please oblige me; I say consider putting your sole focus back onto your life may assist you with allowing some time to pass thus alleviating some of the longing. Make some plans with some fun people you know, go spend some time with family, consider learning about something new. Enjoy yourself while life takes it's time revealing answers you’re looking for concerning this significant relationship! Peace and Blessing to you
You also have no clue how the female brain operates. Just cos you are one, doesnt mean you think anything like all the others do. Girls are very different, just as the Guys are. Seems he is worried he is just your experimentation with guys phase and he's not going to get to close as he's probably going to get dumped anyway. In that sense he is the girl you are the guy. A lot of this stuff has to do with everyone running around saying what they think they should say, what their partner expects them to say I'll point out the obvious, YOU are the one on an internet forum rationalizing the relationship, asking if you should stay or go. No use projecting anything on to him, if you've already decided. And yes, you have already decided
