Not in The News Today: First Edition

Man Impregnates Woman While Freefalling Naked


A thirty-six year old man has been charged with involuntary sexual assault and misdemeanor property damaged. Johnny Barleycorn was practicing parachute jumping from his native Ohio when a gust of wind and faulty parachute cause him to miss his intended target and land on twenty-three year old Sally Diller while she was nude sunbathing on her yacht. Both Johnny Barleycorn and Sally Diller belong to the "I can see everything from here" naturalist camp located in down town Columbus Ohio. The lawyers on both sides have advised their clients not to comment on the situation but some of the witnesses to the mishap had this to say. "Darn that was a strangeun." "Them freaky people always doin sumptin stoopid." "Land sakes, now I've seen eve'ry thin." "That shore was inneresting but I knows ta keeps my clothes on 'round cheer."
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How is your day going?

 

haha that's hilarious.. how can he be charged though? it wasn't his fault. pssh. it's like the mcdonald's lady who sued because her coffee burned her.

 

is that even real?

 

no. it's not.

 

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How do you know what they are doing in Ohio lol.

 

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I have no idea.

 

It's Ohio so weird things a suppose to happen there.

 

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You are just mad because that would never happen to you.

 

Hey, look, I can read The Onion too.



But, really, they say he missed his target? I disagree.

 

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You know, I'm psychic but I didn't realize how much. When I wrote this thing I thought I had made it up from scratch. I've never heard of the Onion except in it's veggie form. (Honestly) I guess there is a disadvantage to being patially psychic.

 

w t f

 

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Sooty, I thought the story I wrote was just in my head but apparently someone actually did this for somebody called the onion.