Need Your Help and Comments...

Alright...Took me a lot of courage to just post this here...I'm hoping to get people's advice and comments...So I hope you guys have the time and patience to read!

So, let me start off by saying I have recently acknowledged to myself that I'm gay at 16...(I'm a guy, by the way). Ever since my hormones started kicking in at puberty, I knew I had an interest towards men, but it never bothered me, because I never thought it was serious...I always thought it was just a phase, and have heard stories of people who have went through "homo moments.."
My dilemma- Staying in the closet when I know I'm gay is killing me, and I have very little tolerance to keep it that way any longer, but my insecurity and reluctant attitude is avoiding me from opening up...Most of that has to do with who I am, and where I'm from...

I live in a town of mostly Catholics...I'm a Catholic too, and try my best to be a good Christian...I, however, don't go "by the book," if you know what I mean...I'm just more spiritual based on love and Jesus' messages...But anyway, I think you get the point...These people here are basically Church hyppocrites, who go to Church for the sake of going, which means they treat people like shit when it comes to your lifestyle, especially a sensitive one like homosexuality...But thats not everyone, of course...THe town has its warm and friendly people...
Anyway, considering that I'm still 16, I'm still living here at home with my family, which basically means I'm stuck here in this town for quite a bit...I'm afraid to come out when you all know eachother in such a small community, when people are mean to the "underdogs."

But, thats not all to the problem...while the town reputation is an obstacle, my family is, too...
My immediate family, such as my siblings and my mother (My parents are divorced, and I don't see my dad) would have no problem with my homosexuality...I know they'll still love and support me...In fact, my mother loves gay people, and has always made little speeches here and there how "gay's the way." My siblings are pretty open-minded, and just love and respect me for who I am being that I'm their older brother who always looks out for them. I know there would be no problem there, either.
However, its my relatives outside of my family I'm worried about. I know most of them will still love and accept me, yet maybe some of them will look at me differently. My grandparents, however, adore me, and see me as a potential role model towards the family and friends (The rest of my family and relatives think that, too). I make them proud, just like everyone else. However, unlike everyone else in my family, they are like most people in my town, being VERY strong towards the Church's "rules and regulations," and that includes being strongly against homosexuality. (They're old, what do you expect)? They're the type of grandparents who are ALWAYS there to help, love and support you, but when you hurt or cross them, it will take them a difficult time to get them to eventually make up with you...I know that such a serious situation in the Church like my homosexuality will hurt them immensely...I can already see their reactions...And sadly, I don't want that to happen...I know a situation like this will put everything between my family and relatives into chaos for quite a while...This makes it difficult to come out...
*By the way, did I also mention that I am close to the Church and the people there myself (Although again, in a spiritual way), which will make it more difficult to come out, when people there will never look at you the same, probably in more disgust? And I don't want that, either...

And my reason gets worse...
I go to a Catholic School. That doesn't seem that bad, since I can easily transfer...The problem is, I like my school. To make my problem even worse, my school is all boys...And its a small school, too...Tensions with my sexuality may not be as bad if girls were there too, since the guys will be all over them. But when its all boys? Forget about it...Chances are is that I'll be easily ridiculed, and filled with disgust, and I'll be seen as a potential pervert when they don't understand why the hell I wouldn't want to transfer, when I like the school for what it is, as well as most of the people...Its just scary to think how they'd react, and I don't think they'd react too fondly...Plus, my school encourages vocations...Other Catholic Schools, believe it or not, aren't that strict with certain Church teachings or rules...My school, considering that its a vocational one for young men, is pretty strict on that matter, and I'd be crushed if my only choice after knowing that I'm gay would be to leave...

These reasons may seem ridiculous to you, not understanding why I can't just be proud of who I am and be myself...Thats my biggest probelm of all- I'm not. I've always been pretty insecure, and my self-esteem as a teenager was never very high...Now that I have officially acknowledged to myself that I am gay, I have tried to patiently wait to come out when I am older, when I'm living more on my own as an individual...But I can't wait...The wait and anxiety is killing me, and I don't want to waste the rest of my teenage years hiding something that can change my life to a much more positive light...I want to be gay out of the closet, I want to be comfortable with who I am, and I want to start mingling with relationships...(And I'm prude, both ways)...But all of that is difficult to do, when you're extremely reluctant and insecure with barely any self-esteem....I've thought about approaching some close people about it, like my mom, my sister, and my two closest friends...But, I dunno...Word easily gets around, especially something like this, no matter how much they "promise not to tell." But you know what? Even with that, I don't want it to be limited to certain people for a while...I really want everyone to know around the same time, when I come out...

Its not easy, you just can't say, "Fuck everyone," when you care too much about your surroundings with a good reputation...

This is annoying the crap out of me....
l'll post anything else that comes to mind...

 

i only read the first bit of that but come out of the closet when you leave school, it's no fun having people know you're gay in school but after that you're your own person. go for it.


*kisses*

Drew

 

i read the whole post, and i agree; wait till you finished school. There's no other solution.

 

I definitely agree. I know it's hard to keep something like that inside, but before you come out to everyone you should make sure you can have your own adult choice about how you want to handle it.

But if your family will be as accepting as you say and know they will be then maybe you should come out to them, and explain this whole situation to THEM too not just us, so ya know, you get the best of both worlds. You get to tell the people you love the most, and keep it from people who wouldn't understand untill a time comes that you can deal with it in the manner that you'd like. Even better, you and your family can deal with it in the manner that you'd like.


Good luck

 

Get thee to a computer as quickly as possible and check out resources for gay youth. There may not be a gay youth group in town, but there are chat rooms and other resources available no matter where you are.


It's a bear waiting until you're old enough to get out of a stifling little town, but you still have some options now. Is it possible to travel to the nearest larger and more open town for an afternoon, evening or weekend?

When I was a young pup, there was no Internet, but I was able to read gay books and magazines. There are places on the Net where gay young folks chat and find support. Use those to help you stay sane and grow as a person. And please keep coming back to this site so we know you're (reasonably) happy and healthy.

 

Thanks a lot for your help and advice, guys...
Since the general message is to wait until I'm older, I'll take your word for it...Its just frustrating, but I guess I'll have to find some way to adjust to this for now, such as this forum which is cool.
Its just frustrating, you know? You know what you want, but you can't have it yet, so the anxiety kills you, because realistically you're not happy...If I turn out to be that desperate maybe I'll limit it to a few people for now, although I don't know I would want that by only telling a select few for now...
Are there groups or something in the city? Most likely, right? Stuff online I could always do, but what if I wanted a realistic experience? Actions do speak louder than words...If I wanted to go to a support group or something, I don't know how the hell I'd approach it, especially since I won't have any help or support to find connections so easily since I'm not out of the closet to anyone...Chaos...

As far as coming out to my immediate family, they'd be supportive, but they can't keep shut..Chances are they will tell other people who may not be as supportive, and they'll go tell other people...Thats how it goes in a town like this...I think that if I were to come out to a select few for now, I'd have to back up anything that backfires, and i wouldn't exactly know how to handle that...

 

Well...

Please take me seriously on this, as someone who was seriously weighing similar things last school year around this time. I've since come all the way out, but the point is this:

I do not know your family personally, so it is not my call, but it is entirely possible to come out to small groups of people, just family, etc. I too thought it was an all or nothing - it's apparent that you have given this much emotionally intelligent thought that shows a lot of strength. I have no doubt you'll be able to understand when I say that coming out even to one or two people is a huge weight off your shoulders. You've made a mental list of who your most reliable, accepting people are...I recommend coming out to them. Close family members, if they are truely close, will not tell your extended family if you forbid they do so. It's worth having the people who live with you - especially your great mom! - know who you really are.

It's a breath of fresh air, even if you're not ready to come out at school (I don't advise it based on your descriptions, but people can surprise you) or in your church community.

There's something I can't explain, maybe you know what I'm talking about. Those moments in certain passions (mine was basketball, yours sounds like your faith) where you're with people you love and you just feel honest. You feel like just by being there and doing what you love, it doesn't matter when you tell them, they know you...it becomes a minor detail for that moment.

Draw strength from those.

 

I agree with Eliza (Rocknroll girl).

You've made a list right there in your original post of people who you feel safe coming out to and people who you think wouldn't react well. This is a good thing.

If you feel that your mum and siblings will be loving and supportive and you really feel the need to tell someone then sit them down and explain how you're feeling to them. Make it clear that you dont want anyone outside of the immediate family to know at that present moment, that it is your thing to discuss with people. But trust me... it will feel better. Just letting someone know about yourself after hiding it for a while makes you feel better... I'd bet you felt better even after just posting this.

In terms of extended family, school and the rest of the town... perhaps it would be better to wait. School sounds like a total haven for homophobia seeing as not only is it Catholic, its also all boys. And small towns are notorious for rumours and gossip. I know it sucks to keep things inside but sometimes safety comes first. its not how it should be but its how it is.

I hope you can find someone to be your confidante. Also, definitely check out message boards, chatrooms, websites etc (and not just porn ). You'd be suprised at the amount of support you can get from them.

-Tamsyn

 

Again, thanks for all of this advice...I guess its only common sense to wait as to coming out to the "whole world," but as far as a select few for now, thats probably the safest and healthiest route...I'll just have to find a way to come out to them, like the right time and moment kind of thing...I don't know if I want to drop a few hints and gradually tell them, or if I should just sit them down and tell them...But I don't think I want to tell these people in such a formal and planned manner, you know? I don't know if making them sit down to have a talk is such a great way to do it...I'd rather them bring it up after dropping a few hints or something...

What about relationships? For those of you who are or were in the closet on a general standard, how did you go around trying out relationships if you did, without risking someone you don't want to know to find you're gay? Know what I mean?

 

I'd say that considering these are the few special people you trust enough to tell, you should make a formal deal of it. Or at least a very serious deal...not just "oh, by the way..." at the dinner table. That way you've locked them in to understanding that this is a big thing for you that has deeply affected your life, and puts them in a position where they're less likely to mention it to others off-handedly themselves. It makes the secret more, well, secret.


You can explain to them that while it has had a tremendous impact on your emotional state, being gay itself isn't such a big deal - it's society's issue, not yours. Explain to them that you're comfortable with yourself (if you are, of course).

In terms of relationships, I might not be the best person to respond...I've had two closeted relationships myself and both were incredibly detrimental, draining, passionate, and ultimately not too good for me. Closeted relationshiops in high school are kinda difficult and not for the weak of heart, so I wouldn't actively seek them out. Instead try to find gay FRIENDS at a nearby YPI or other youth organization, so you can get into the culture without the heartbreak of a secret relationship. Try ypi.org to find one near you.

But if something happens, it happens. Can't really control it.

 

I would definitely wait until you're out of school to publicly come out. If you can trust your family, feel free to come out to them. My parents know and they keep it between us. None of my other relatives know, and my parents know that I'd like to keep it that way.
I know how you feel about worrying about school and stuff. I would definitely wait until you're out, especially because it's an all-boys school. I would hate to see you get shit for being gay from a bunch of guys.
If you have close friends that you know you can trust, tell them. You'll feel a lot better if you tell even one person, like your mom. It seems like you have a good relationship with her, so I'd say that she's your best bet.
I hope everything goes well.

 

Thanks a lot for the constant help! Its definitely encouraging....Unfortunately, I still have to find the courage to now approach the situation to a few people...How that happens, I don't know...As for now, I'm just going to try and find the right time at the right place, whenever I feel the time and place is fitting...(Hopefully its not too long)! I'll be lurking and posting here, and I'll definitely let you guys know if anything happens!
Thanks a lot!

 

Good luck man! Definitely keep us posted on an developments. Just remember, it's always worth coming out. It makes you feel great.