Need to vent-- relationship issues

I have been with my boyfriend for four years. Last January our aniverser) he asked me to marry him and I said yes. I was very happy about it and told my parents, my family, my friends EVERYONE. We even set a date for January 3rd of 05..... Then last night I asked him why he hasn't told his family or ANY one yet. I told him it made me feel like he was embarressed of me... So an hour or so later he says " I havn't told anyone because I don't want to get married for a few years." And I said then why the hell have you led me to believe that we were getting married in six months, and I have been planning it, telling everyone, and why the hell did we get second jobs to pay for our wedding..... And then I just locked myself in the bathroom and cried and cried.. I just kept thinking..
how could the love of my life, the man I would die for, and share a life with not want to marry me??

He said it was because of money--- and that he needs to buy a new car before we spend money on a wedding-- and that he wants to have a great paying job before he marries me "to make me happy" But to me love has nothign to do with money-- I would rather be homeless then to have a life with out him.. So now I feel that he dosn't love me as much as I love him..

So i took off my ring-- and I don't know where to go from here-- Should i forget the whole marriage thing and wait until "hes ready" or just move on with mylife and spilt up forawhile and see what happens??? But I'm affraid that sence I took it so hard that he will take everything back and we will get marries as planned because he pitties me...



BLAH~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Skyler

 

oh skyler! try to talk to him, but try and calm down as you must be so so so upset!!! explain how you feel, and tell him what you want from your relationship together...i know it's not much for advice, but do try and find out what is happening, if nothing but for your peace of mind. i hope it works out, i really do, you seem to love him dearly.

 

ouch! That's a harsh one...

Even though the marriage thing is obviously causing you one hell of a hard time have you asked yourself why you want to be married in the first place and whether or not it's a necessary part of the relationship? I've had a few friends in very loving relationship who have had problems because they got married after years of being together and probably would have been a lot happier if they hadn't been married.

That's a very negative view of marriage I know and doesn't fit everyone at all but it's probably worth thinking about a bit before making decisions. I know I'll never get married, not because I'm incapable of loving someone or committing to them, just that I really don't think I'd be any happier being married.

You probably shouldn't split up with him because of this, sounds like he might just be having a hard time coming to terms with the 'rest of your life' thing which is pretty understandable (probably could have told you in a different way though!). Marriage is one of those things you both need to be ready for if it's going to work out so unfortunately yes, waiting for him to be ready is about the only option if you want to have that ring on your finger. That doesn't stop you enjoying your time together in-between though, you must have been having a good time for the past 4 years or you wouldn't be thinking of getting married so why not just carry on enjoying yourselves until you both feel ready for it...

 

Thanks for the advice-- You really changed my view on things. I guess tonight would be a good night to talk to him about it. I told him I took off my ring and its in my jewlery box and for him to give it back to me when hes ready.

 

one of the reasons my ex girlfriend left me was because i wasn't making enough money to support her. does your man know how lucky he is?

 

Money definitely isn't everything...but I can see where your man is coming from. Speaking from what I've seen...if you want to start a married life together, it's best to be financially set. You can say "money isn't everything...etc etc" which I do believe...but when it comes to marriage and being comfortable, I believe it's better to have a sound foundation. I've seen my parents' marriage fall apart because of financial issues...

At the same time, I have to say...are you seriously even considering leaving him because of this? C'mon now. Does it matter if he marries you NOW or in 4 years? Is marriage that important where you HAVE to have a wedding ring on your finger right this second? Can't you just be with your man for a few more years, be happy together, and then get married when you're both ready? Don't lose a good thing because you're hung up on ideals...

 

Your very right-- I kept asking myself that same question.. I guess I was just so excited about starting a new life with him. But I'm going to wait until hes really ready because then our relationship will have a better chance of surviving.

He says he's ready to commit his life to me he's just not financially ready..

 

There is obviously a lot that I don't know about the situation between Rainbow Tears and her ... fiance? But I think you're not necessarily on the mark with this post and here's why.

There is more to this than R.T. placing too much emphasis on being married. It's about HIS INSENSITIVITY, LACK OF HONESTY, LACK OF FORTHRIGHTNESS. He was stringing her along so badly that they had actually set a wedding date, made all sorts of plans, were working extra to afford it... and then he came clean about not wanting to get married only when she pressed him about it?! I'm sorry, I know that R.T. may love him, but sometimes we end up loving people who truly aren't really very good for us. It's not all that hard to misplace feelings of love and devotion.

A real man, worth staying with, would not have concealed his real feelings about getting married. And while I understand a man's "noble" need to feel like he can provide for all of his wife's needs, the reality in today's world is that many couples have to both work to provide for a living. The guy does not have to be sitting on a pile of money in order to be "worthy" of marrying, does he? So I don't think that should be relevant with regard to whether or not they get married later rather than sooner -- as long as she lets him know and makes him understand that she'll love him whether he makes the big bucks or not, and that it's not about money.

Me, I'd leave a person who did not have it in his (her, in my case) capacity to be honest with me -- especially to the point of living a charade about it.

Rainbow Tears, I hope you find peace with all of this, but I'm afraid I don't think your boyfriend is worth marrying, if this is the way he is. You know him better than I do, of course, so you should be the judge. Consider what I've said, though.

Blue skies,
-Jeffrey