Need to know someone out there cares (a solitary gay man fighting the world alone)

Friends:

As some of you already know, I am a masculine, celibate, senior gay male, who not only has never had a male soulmate (and obviously never will) but not even having the luxury of having a nearby platonic buddy just to reach out to, especially during the rough times.

Very early this morning, I experienced another of my anxiety attacks, brought on by depression, fatigue, and loneliness.

I shivered and trembled so much, accompanied by chills, that I had to run a sink full of VERY hot water to plunge my hands into, to get rid of the chills in my body, and stop the shaking.

I felt as though the entire world was closing in on me, jeering at me for being gay in a largely straight world.

I felt sobs coming up from deep in my chest, but fought the urge to cry, because i knew that, if I did break down, it would have been difficult to stop.

That feeling of total helplessness and loneliness grips me as tightly as though I were in a giant vice.

Yes, I have, of course in the past, sought professional help; but that "help" did nothing to help me find the solace and inner peace I so desire.

As I mentioned earlier, I do not even have a nearby male buddy to "bond" with, to hang around, and to talk with.

The loneliness and despair just EAT AWAY inside like a vchronic disease.

I know I am all alone in this ongoing battle I face each and every day of my life.

I have reached the point where I don't want to die, but find life too painful to go on.

All I ask is that (if you are religious) simply say a prayer for me, or, at least, send a kind word my way

That I was bashed by a co-worker/friend back in 1986, simply because I admitted I was gay (I was pressured into addmitting it) has made it virtually impossible for me to reach out and TRULY trust someone.

I am hurting so deeply today, that I cannot fully describe it.

Thank you for taking the time to read my words.......

John

"Live long and prosper"

 

....just cannot shake this feeling of utter loneliness and frustration today.

Straight men have no idea how fortunate they are.

Picture a war-weary soldier in a tattered uniform, trying to fend off a massive invading army with but a rusted pistol with no bullets in the chamber........that's exactly how I feel at this moment.

Man, am I really hurting this evening......

"Live long and prosper"

 

I think I have learned, that, in reality, the majority of people simply do not care if you are doing well or are in dire straits.

People simply do not care if your happy; they don't care if you are hurting.

They don't care if you awake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, shivering, awaking from a disturbing dream, all alone in a dark room, with the darkness of night enveloping you like a vice, with no one there to put his arm around you, embrace you tightly, and say, "Don't worry. I'm here for you; everything will be all right.....I'm here."

I used to pray that, one day, happiness would be mine, with a loving, caring, compassionate partner.

These days, I pray that when my time comes to end my life on this planet, I can do so saving the life of another person.

It would be the feeling of a tremendous good if I were to lay down my life to save the life of another human being, and know they will go on to see another sunrise.

I have long thought that losing your life to save the life of another would be the most dignified way for a man to end his life.

To those of you gay/bi males on this board who DO have a rich, satisfying, happy, and rewarding life, with a partner/buddy who TRULY cares about YOU........NEVER take it for granted!

You are truly BLESSED, and FAR more fortunate than you could ever know..........

"Live long and prosper"

 

The deep emotional pain I am enduring the past few days has been especially brutal.

At this point, I'd gladly face a firing squad and NOT request a blindfold.

At least the pain and the loneliness would FINALLY be over.

Not looking forward to tonight; the nights are often even worse than the days........

"Live long and prosper"

 

Can say much but I’m here to be a friend and make understand that you still alive and to be positive hope we can chat one day and become good chat friends

 

Roy:

Thank you, and me God bless you.

I certainly would like for us to become chat friends; it would be great for us to get to know one another, and, for certain, offer me a TREMENDOUS (and MUCH needed) release in just "talking" to SOMEONE who cares

Feel free to start a conversation with me anytime.

Again, I do thank you....it has been a VERY rough few days (and nights), made even more difficult when you are all alone as I am.

Thank you and regards,

John

BTW: Welcome to HIP

 

Welcome
John
Hope today finally got smiles out that for a few seconds made forget all that loneliness

 

Great
Now how you doing anything special going on

 

Hanging in there, for now, as best I can.

Not easy at all, but still trying to hold out.

BTW: just sent you a private message....

 

Reply already

 

Hi, we're out here,sometimes scared lots of medical shut going on and no guys to relate to, most don't care

 

Need a friend

 

I care that you seem to be fighting with something and trying to do it alone. You don't have to be lonely if you don't want to be but I'm thinking that you need to let go of whatever happened in your past to scar and traumatize you into living without the physical and emotional succor you know that you need and, really, that you're denying yourself. It's easier said than done but if you're tired of being alone, do something about it instead of doing nothing - and I'm really not sure why you choose to stay where you are in this - I just know that I wouldn't and you can take that for what it's worth. It's easy for others to care about you but hard when it seems like you don't care about yourself and if you don't, then there are a lot of people who aren't going to care about something that you have the power to change and fix... if you really wanted to.

Do you want to?