Hello all It's been a while since I have been able to write anything on here lately. But when my friend came to me with this problem I first thought of you all on this forum. Please offer comments or advice of any kind. Here we go... First, she has three kids, all under age 5. She just kicked her husband out of the house around Thanksgiving and are now looking into getting a divorce. He is an alcoholic. She had been the glue that has kept this family together from the beginning. Lately, I have noticed she is not herself. She has been going out a lot and messing around with random bar dudes and bringing a couple of them home with her. She has been doing the myspace thing looking for people to mess around with. She is typically not like this. Her kids used to be so behaved. I have noticed a definite decline in their behavior since the seperation of their father. The father is not wanting to visit them or have anything to do with them. To make matters worse, she called in sick today from her 2-10pm job to speak with an adoption agency. She wants to give up her kids because she thinks she just can't handle it and doesn't love them anymore. I cannot believe this. I used to admire her parental skills. I am gonna go talk to her again tonite and wanted to know what I should say. Should I support her in this? I have three kids myself and know how the pressure can get the best of you at times. Her parents have been dead since she was little and doesn't have anyone to help her take the kids for awhile so she can get a break to think. The only person she has is the father whom she doesn't trust anyways to take the kids. He either wants full custody or none at all. He is another mess himself. I have supported her all I can but she is talking crazy to me. She says she hates herself and cannot give her kids the things they need. She has a nicer and bigger house than me. She makes more money and has nicer things. But that's because I don't care about all that. I have tried getting her into the natural way of life, eating organic for example. That has given her some sort of hope in a small way but she wants to run away and move to California where her friend lives and leave this life and the kids behind. I have told her the implications of her actions and how it may destroy her kids life, by possibly seperating them or putting them in "the system." (meaning orphanage or foster home) If I had the room, I would take her kids for awhile but I know my man would not go for that and I have to keep that together for my own situation. SHe's my best friend but I just don't know if this sits right with me. I know she is overwhelmed and thought a support group would help and less partying. She has pretty much made up her mind. I don't want to let her make this decision under her irrational thinking and erratic unusual behavior as her guide. I don't want her to make the biggest mistake of her life. But maybe I am biased because I could not give my kids up for anything. Sure they can get out of hand and things get stressful and overwhelming here too, and I think we have all had the thought of giving up. But I know I could never let anyone have my kids. Not even if something really bad happend to me. What do you all think?
Oh man, what a mess your friend is in (hug) to her. I would offer to watch her kids whle she sees a therapist. I'd sit her down and tell her honestly what you think and why you think it (gently of course). Just because you love her, does not mean that you need to support her. SOmetimes we need hosest, gentle feedback from the one's that we love. I wish I had the magic answer, I'm sure this is tearing you up inside. Try to stay strong (((hugs)))
It really sucks that there isn't someone who can take them in while she gets her shit straight. But what if she really can't do it? Some people just don't have it in them to be good single mothers.... their priorities are all messed up, much like it sounds like her's are right now, or they can't handle the stress. It sucks, but it's true sometimes. I hope this isn't the case with her, and that counciling will help her get her head on straight. If there were someplace for the kids to go that was safe and stable I would get them there now... as home doesn't seem to be that great of a place for them. What about the father's parents? Would they be able to do what is right for the kids?
I wish. The kids father lives with his parents and they have had nothing to do with the kids since day one. It's really sad. I was trying to figure out what I could do. I told her that she needs to talk not only to a counselor but also to a lawyer to set up specific visitiation for the father. That way he has to help out. I told her that even a couple of days away from the kids may all be what she needs. It's hard to tell her what to do. She is a grown woman but she is acting like a teenager. She wants to go out all the time and with whoever will have her. She tries to get me to come out with her to find people to hook up with and my man has drawn the line. He says that I need to not go out with her because I am not single and have different priorities. I like to have my time to myself because it makes being with my kids that much more enjoyable knowing that I am still "me" aside from the role of "mom" all the time. But then again, I have a solid family structure, sure we are not perfect but who is? We do know one thing is that our family comes first and that we all love each other and will always be there for one another. Even at the young ages of our girls, we all feel a strong bond. I told my friend that cutting back her hours at work or getting a different job might help her reconnect with the kids, but she said that it wasn't important to her anymore. I just can't believe she is being like this. It's like something has died inside of her. The kids deserve so much more. I wish I could take them but like I said, I have my hands full here. I have taken in other children before and it almost ended my relationship with my man. I need him and he comes first along with the kids. I work part time and am a full time student at a really hard and expensive college so I really can't. Besides the kids have gotten so out of control that I wouldn't be able to handle them. (hers not mine) She has done the counseling thing and it helped briefly. But she says that talking to me helps her more. But I guess I am not as gentle as I would like to be with her. I am sorta passive aggressive with confrontations and this time I stuck to my guns and really had to show her the reality of what she was thinking. I do think she appreciated my take on it though. I don't want to cut off contact with her during this hard time but I have had to this before with other friends for various reasons until they got their heads on straight. (like one was sleeping with a married man etc>) Thanks for the responses everyone Very much appreciated.
try and find out what it is tht she really wants, or what it is she thinks she will have if she gives up her kids. then compare the joys of that (whatever she thinks she's going after) to the joys of smilin little kiddies.
Some people are not cut out to be parents. My sister had some similar problems after splitting with her man. Her kids may have been better off if she hadn't felt so pressured into keeping them. Serious counseling is needed, most adoption agencies offer pre-counseling. As much as I hate the thought of childrens services, they can arrange for things like occasional daycare and counseling for the entire family. I know how hard it is, I wanted to take her kids myself so much, but with three of my own it would be too much. The kids now float from place to place, Mom went to jail on christmas day and our sister had to go get the two kids and we had to split them up for a week until she got out. It broke my heart to hear Allison cry for her mom. I sometimes think that adoption would have been a better choice for the kids. Remember most important, you have your own family to worry about and your own children are the most important thing in your life. (((HUGS)))
