need advice (sorry so long)

i'm a bit worked up right now.... i'm about to go to work but i can't stop crying... i'm hormonal because i just had an abortion, and have been so for the past month or so... hormonal i mean... depressed, tired!... thinking about slashing my wrists in the bathtub... having stress at work, and with my "fiance"... just all around feeling miserable.

well i need advice with my "fiance" i put it in quotes because as he put it today, if there's no marked improvement in our relationship in two weeks then it's over. well that's the amount of time it takes to recover from an abortion, so i'm going to be in recovery until that two weeks is up. i need a lot of strenth. anyway, here are some of the problems... as far as i can see. (i will try to be as objective as possible here)

he just moved down here in february from canada to live with me.. we'd had a long distance relationship before then, and were planning on getting married. since he's not a citizen he can't work, so i'm the only one working, even though he pays half the bills (probably about 45% of everything, because he's running out of money pretty fast) i expect him to clean up and act as a sort of house-husband. what he seems to do with his time though is take the dog on walks, do most of the dishes, set up his internet job (which he does a majority of while i'm home because he is "more productive when he first wakes up and before he goes to bed") occassionally do laundry (mostly after i've sorted through everything he'll take a load down, or yesterday he did one load because he had to wash his shirts he was supposed to ship off) occassionally wipe down things and occassionally straighten up. he also chats with the neighbors, gets high, and plays video games, and goes to other people's houses. he has a social life while i'm at work basically. i have no social life, i take the puppy on less walks, i clean up, sort the laundry, wipe stuff down, cook about half the time, etc etc... i also sort through stuff and am always picking up trash and dishes from around the house..... anywya! my main problem is that i feel he doesn't do enough around the house. in my eyes, we are not roommates and shouldn't just clean up after ourselves and that's it as long as we have the rent.... instead i think my free time is much more limited (i work ususally 35-40 hrs a week) andn so he should be doing a majority of the cleaning. if he were also working, i'd say we should split it 50/50. he thinks he shouldn't do the majority of the cleaning because he pays half the bills.

anyway, i'm fucking exhausted, i'm tired, in pain, worn out emotionally and physically, and he says my shitty attitude needs to change. the thing is, i would be so much happier if he would at least offer to help me while i'm cleaning the house, especially one day after i have minor surgery, instead of dissappearing into the computer room to randomly make my little sister a shirt. my parents weren't too happy and told me to come home because i should not be cleaning, i should be resting, so i stayed at their house last night.

so far when we have problems, i bring them up, get emotional, but try to be rational and tell him how i'm feeling. he's quiet and doesn't say much, and is occassionally sarcastic (but is getting better in that regard i think). lately, we avoid each other. our communication is shitty, i say how i feel and i usually have no idea how he feels. i told him today, you don't love me anymore do you? (actions speak louder than words imo.) and he said i don't know and gave a half smile. he then got up and said that's not true and hugged me, but did say that he's going through stuff and my shitty attitude doesn't help. why the hell doesn't he TALK to me? i try talking to him and it's no help, i have no idea what he's thinking most of the time, and can only assume by his lack of action and helping and talking that there is a huge lack of caring as well. i wrote him a letter today saying how i felt. i wanted to edit it, but when he told me the relationship would be over in two weeks i just gave it to him unedited.... and told him i have no idea what he's feeling or what his problems are with me, besides my "shitty attitude" so he should think about them... and we're going to talk about it tonight apparently. i am so not up for this though.... i'm so exhausted, i don't know how i'm going to get through work tonight.



grr. anyway, for those that actually read through this, thank you, and please give me some sort of advice. if our relationship is over, i at least need to know how we can live together as roommates for a little while.

thanks for letting me vent, if nothing else.

 

ps- i would have used an alias screenname, but it's hard to get good advice from one post and ppl do know us on here and so can probably give much better advice because of that.

 

I think the letter thing was a great idea, I recently employed that myself. Opening up the lines of good communication can be incedibly difficult... a lot of guys find it very difficult to talk about how they feel about something or a problem, they just come to a solution all on their own, whether or not it's right.

Let him know about everything that's getting you down, and not just in the relationship. It sounds like this abortion that you recently had has been incredibly stressful on you, and that work itself is rather stressful at the moment too. Not to mention feeling torn between your family wanting you back and trying to stick it out and make it work with dm.

And then let him know about everything that's going good in your life, everything about him that you love. Why you want to make it work between the two of you.

Tell him you need more than two weeks, that an ultimatum for a relationship isn't fair. Some things have to be taken one day at a time. Yes, it's understandable that he wants to see some improvement in two weeks, but how precisely is he going to measure "enough" improvement? What if in three weeks something great and amazing happens that makes both of you pull out of the funks you seem to have been in? What's he going to do if that happens, say "oh too bad I declared it over a week ago, even though 90% of the problems are fixed for whatever reason"?

For the household chores thing... maybe make a list of things that need to be done, and try to divvy it up in an equitable fashion. I mean, if there's somethng that he hates doing but you don't mind, it might as well be your duty. And make sure it's at least 50/50 during your days off too. Maybe make a chart and put it on the fridge or something, and check things off as they're done each day/week. Internet businesses can be really freakin tough to run too, they can take some crazy hours so remember, he could be working nearly as much or more than you some weeks, the chore balance needs to be flexible as well.

MAKE yourself get a social life too. A friend network can really help in times of trouble, it's an outside person to turn to for advice, as a sounding board. Make yourself go out with a galpal at least once a week, even if it's just for coffee for half an hour, it'll make you feel better about yourself and less dependent on dm or your family for all your social interaction. Make a friend with a dog and go for dogwalks together once a week. Something, anything, it'll improve your mood no matter what happens between you and dm.



It sucks, but it's kind of you duty to keep the communication going. If he's not goign to do it, it falls to your shoulders. Most men are very bad at communicating at all, beyond ultimatums/decisions they've made all on their own. It's not just dm who's like that, don't worry.

And, if things don't work out in the end, it's not you at all. Nor is it him. You're both amazing people (you especially babe!) and it just turned out that you two may've been the wrong fit for each other at this point in time... don't beat yourself up over this however it turns out, some things are meant to be and some aren't, the only way to find the difference is through trying it out.


(and I don't blame you for not using a pseudonym... I tried that and didn't get any good advice either, this was probably the best route for real advice beyond "dump his ass", the ever useful, boxed advice of the hipforums)

 

The thing is that a caring couple will try their best to compensate for each other in tough times. What it is really going to boil down to now, is ...Will the two of you both fight to keep your relationship alive?
You are under lots of stress right now. From reading your side of it I'm getting that he's more concerned about his own free time, & entertainment than he is about caring for you through what anyone could see is a rough spot in the road.
Recently, my SO and I went through a power struggle of sorts. Housekeeping was definetly an issue. I also needed to be more upfront about my wants, & needs. He had to admit to me that he likes, & needs me to kind of multi-task. He wants me to direct this whole operation.
What ended up happening with us, I feel lucky for. We both realized that we get great satisfaction out of taking care of one another. I feel a sense of accomplishment, & pride knowing I've helped him through a tough week. As does he. We are a well oiled machine, with respect for each others enjoyment, & entertainment.
I sincerely hope he steps up to the plate to be there for you.
Over the years I find that appealing to people, & asking for help works much better than any accusations ever will.
My ex used to scream at me for crying. I had to learn the hard way that he was too broken to feel empathy or compassion for anybody else. He simply did not have it to give. Everybody is different, though.
I hope maybe something in what I've written about my own personal life will be useful to you. I wish you the best, please take good care of yourself. Your body has been going through some major physical duress. Try to be kind to yourself, get in some 'me' time.
Good luck.

 

abortions are really hard physically as well as mentally. It takes a long time to feel energetic again because your body is trying to ward off infection.
I would be upset if I were you too. IMO he should be doing everything for you for the NEXT TWO months (not two weeks because it takes to months to ONLY PHYSCIALY RECUPERATE) especially since you have to work and go to school. You must be exhausted Elyse. And to put demands on you after you have gone through that is not in the least bit fair.
Instead of him expecting you to change and want to move forward perhaps he should change the way he is and put more effort in so you will feel comftrable and want to move foward. It would be better for him to show he can be a good husband and can care for you rather than giving you an ultimatum.
I am sorry you have gone through all of this. I hope he can realize the magnitude of what you are feeling right now and how he may be hindering you getting well.

 

Elyse from personal experience household chores are the hardest thing to get down when in a relationship, the same with spliting costs. Don't trap him by making it a big deal, but more so ease into the fact that you are both adults and need to both be able to keep up with living like adults, explain to him that if he lived alone he would be doing these things on his own and just because you live together doesn't mean that it now becomes your responsibility.

As for the abortion, I am so sorry you had to go through that. Maybe Charles is distant because he is trying to cope with feelings but not in the same way you do. Both of you need to sit down and be open with one another about this painful and emotional time you are going through.


You need to get out with friends, I shut myself out of having friends when I moved in with my boyfriend and that was the worst decision I could have ever made for myself, Ben, and our relationship. You guys don't need to make your lives just for one another. You need to continue what you were doing before he moved in with going out and such, friends before guys always. He seems to understand that he needs his personal space and you will come to find that as well. I have been down this road before and please get out and do something with a friend, or even just head over to your mom's house or something and get ice cream.

I really hope things work out, you guys are an adorable couple and I know you can do this.


When you guys do talk, say I instead of you, don't bring other people into the conversation. Say I would like to get out more and I don't want to be the one to do all the chores, we need to be able to tka ecare of ourselves like adults, ya know? You don't want him to feel bomarded and insufficient.

 

your words have the answeres already. He seems to care more about his needs than yours. Anyone knows for about 3 days after that was done you need to relax a bit.

 

you've already gotten so much great advice, i dont really have anything else to add (besides my relationship is in the toilet, i dont think you'd want my advice anyways!)

just want to give my support to you both. i hope that everything will work out to the highest and greatest good for both of you

much love,
nimh

 

that picture freaks me out. Im a dude afraid of bugs and that kind totally wigs me out

 

but it's so cute.
ps, pls dont derail tigerlily's thread. sounds like a pretty serious situation.

 

Sorry, my bad and yes it is rather serious, I really hope she chooses to step back take a breather and the hell with what the dude wants, she needs her time right now to focus and regain herself. It is sad he is being selfish over this. I mean freind, spouse, mate, hell even just people who kinda know each other she see when another is down and assist. What ever you do always remember suicide is a permenet action to a temporary problem. Seems too many people would miss you and right now looks like enough people care and are offering to step up and out of the shadows to help. You need a place to crash, I have a 3 bd home, Im never there as I drive this truck and there is another person there (female) for ya to not be bored. I offer so if a housing issue or just a need for time a space is needed. PM if needed, its all good take care for yourself first then others.

 

I think you both love each other but if you guys are going to get through this time you both need to official agree to work on it and that's takes communication, once you both agree to work on it, it'll get better
Good luck

 

thank you so much everybody for all the great advice!

after i went to work today i was feeling extra shitty so the managers let me go home for a few hours... instead of going straight to my parents' house to sleep i stopped by my apt to get some pain pills and charles wanted to talk, and i started crying again because i wanted to calm down before going back to work, not get more worked up. anyway, we did end up talking, and he commented on my letter, nicely and calmly, said he doesn't want to end the relationship and told me the problems he's been having with the relationship. it went very well, and i suggested that we set up a time every day, mainly after work, to just spill everything, not just what we did that day, but how we're feeling, and what's going on in our lives. he thought it was a good idea too. i think this will open up the communication more and give us more opportunity to appreciate what the other does (mainly in regards to chores and stress and work) so... it's a work in progress, but i have a lot of hope, and now i know that we ARE both willing to work at it, and there is still love there. we had been missing that talking time... mainly watching tv and/or on the net, or cleaning or making shirts, or whatever... and communication is our biggest problem. *sigh* i want things good again.

anyway, thanks again for all the great advice and support *group hug* oh and yanknburn, i don't need a place to stay, but that is a very VERY nice gesture, and the suicidal thoughts are gone... it was really during the pregnancy that i was feeling desperate and alone (we weren't telling a soul at first, and only one person knew from me for two weeks or so, then i told a close friend and my mom)... now people who love me know what's going on and i have support, thank god.

 

I'm really happy that you guys are talking Elyse, that's the biggest, hardest step - to get those lines of communication open, and to keep them open. Relationships dont' fix themselves in one day, or over one crying session, they take time patience and effort from everyone involved

 

Very cool. Thanks for the update. I wish you two the best.

 

I was totally shocked when I saw your first post, tiger, but THANK GOD! I'm so glad things are lookin' up for you guys.

Although, let me tell you that I'm very sorry that you had to have an abortion. I'm there for you in spirit, my friend. Take care of yourself!

Cheers!


P.S. Actually... I'm gonna PM you because I think we should catch up.

 

Get a new boyfriend.

 

lol... somebody like him i suppose?

 

thank you guys for your advice... again... hehe, i've come to the conclusion that yesterday needed to happen in order for things to really change, and the only way to go from the bottom, is up right?

 

Just keep talking! NEVER LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON AN ARGUMENT! It's the most overheard advice given, but it truly is a miracle worker in relationships. If you're angry, upset, sad, frustrated, or anything, get it out in the open! Bottling it up will only harm the feelings you have for him, and that he has for you...