I'm am a 30 something male. I have been in almost exclusively hetero relationships in my life. Almost I say because I have had a couple of minor sexual/emotional experiences with men. The big question arises because in those couple I felt natural, fluid, and open. I have had sexual fantasies about men as long as I can remember and carried a lot of guilt over them, also as long as I can remember. The thing is I, like I said, have had many relationships with women and the women I have been with I have been attracted to. In all of them though there always something sexually and emotionally that seemed to be lacking. For example I don't like oral sex with a women, I always prefer to be on bottom, I have tried role play with toys ect. but this still seems lacking. I avoid affection because it might lead to sex. Also emotionally i always feel detached. Something mentally and physically that seemed to be available with men. Here's where the nature vs nurture comes in. I was raised in a Christian home at least a socially Christian one. This of course is where a lot of the guilt comes from. Also I come from a family with an overly detached and abusive dad and a very loving mother. Both which were unavailable to me emotionally due to their own personal struggles. I feel on a threshold of accepting I am gay but I am confused about the truth of it, the essence of why. Am I born gay or am I looking for my father's love through a male partner? I know that sounds trite but the depths of which we strive to heal our broken hearts goes very deep. Here's the clincher I am currently in my second marriage with an amazingly understanding and loving wife. She is and has been aware of my struggles and truly was the one to push me to open to the truth of this. She is hurt by this but is remaining strong for me and truth be told she says she always knew. We are great friends, our communication surpasses any I have ever had in a relationship. The difficulty has arisen from the fact that neither of us have been having our needs met in the relationship and we have been struggling to understand why and bring it together for 3 years. The truth is we both want to feel the same in the relationship emotionally, sexually ect. We both are looking to fill the feminine role and of cource that cannot mesh. It's funny as I began opening up to this so many things began coming together. "Why I was different that other boys" "Why I think more like a woman than a typical man." Wait though it gets more complicated. I see many masculine women that I am attracted to. most of the women I have dated have lesbian tenancies, or end up being full on lesbians. I think i may be looking for a woman who can take the masculine role so I can remain hetero and not have to accept my truth. The problem is after we begin dating after the initial intense feeling goes away I find myself again unsatisfied tired of trying to project the masculine image and start again fantasizing about men. On the flip there are very few men I am attracted to. Most that I am around though are very straight and not the type that I could have an emotional connection to. I think what I need is to be around more gay guys to help me to see is this is really me however the old guilt, fear , and guilt is really overwhelming. So here I am confused, overwhelmed and afraid to take any step. I mixed feeling about letting go of a hetero image I have tried so long to portray! I am afraid that I'm just to weak to resist my temptations! Yet another confusion I am a Christian (A follower of Christ). I know I love and serve a compassionate God and feel I may just have to appeal to His Grace. Please no knocks on that I do not judge or condemn others beliefs please easy on mine. Thanks for reading this sorry for the length just be glad I don't share all in my head. Any thoughts? Any suggestions?
hardly anyone is fully straight or gay. Sleep with men and see if you like it, there's little to be gained form self denial. It's most likely nature, you are what you are and nothing will change that. Most people would rather run from a hard truth than face it, and it's good you're trying. One piece of advice - drop the religion, it's clearly not helping. The bible condemns homosexuality. On the other hand it speaks of talking snakes and the world being flat. Judge what you read carefully.
I appreciate very much the response, I beginning to wonder if anyone was going to. My dilemma with the "sleeping with a man thing" is I feel very much like I did being a hetero virgin, maybe more. That is It's important to me that my sexual experience especially the first is with a partner who I trust and who will be gentle with me. I am extremely sensitive emotional and I don't want my thoughts on myself to be tainted by a uncomfortable first experience. Truthfully I believe it to be nature as well but a lot of those who practice psychoanalysis say that my childhood dynamic is why I would be predisposed to be gay. However, I don't believe that it wouldn't be possible without some predisposition already there.As far as running, being 35 I'm pretty tired of running and I feel i just don't have the strength to run anymore! Matter of fact I just wont! If I am ever to be happy I have to be myself it is just that simple! As far as my beliefs My religion is not Christianity I love and follow Jesus. Not Americanized Christianity, not Judaic or Mosaic law but Jesus. Jesus bucked the culturally based rules laws and regulations in His time that restricted individuals ability to love and I believe His Spirit is doing that now in my heart. The way to me finding my truth and life. Just as He said he would. As far as mainline Christianity I feel very little love from them.
Like it or not: "There is probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life." That's how it is... You can either drop all of that heavy emotional baggage you are carrying around with you with the help of one, single iron-willed decision or you can go on suffering till all the hell freezes over. Cut yourself off from your past. It is simply history. It is how the the things used to be. That's all water under the bridge now... Re-invent yourself completely. Start your new life count as of today. Go, make your living, and make sure that you have all the fun in life that you want. Easy? Nope. Worth doing. Yup. By all means! KD
I did read the lenthy first post and what I read into it was that you are conflicted, trying to get everything from Freudian psychiatry (mostly debunked of late) to cultural mythos to mesh with the reality of your individual sexuality of the moment. I say of the moment because I CANNOT subscribe to the "born gay" mantra of the gay rights movement. Sure, some feel they were born gay and I respect that in their individual sexuality. However, what about us guys who really enjoy fucking women and really enjoy fucking guys? What were we born as? And I mention individual sexuality of the moment for it can be mutable. For myself, I was raised heterosexual and enjoyed fucking women exclusively for a few years before hooking up with men. My male/male fantasies started even while I was exclusively doing women. Now my biggest turnon are cute young men - I seldom fantasize women any more. I could probably get it on with a woman if the opportunity arose, but I'd prefer a young man. I lived with and fucked one woman for nearly 20 years, but she knew of my lust for men and accepted it. You have to find the right partner who understands and even gives you leeway to enjoy those things she can't provide you. As for the Christian problem, know that most religions have corrupted their original messiah's messages thru outright political or moral misinterpretation to fit the society at hand. The Big Church has done this willfully over the past couple K years. Religious scholars know of these changes to the doctrine, the misinterpretation of Greek or Aramaic words to fit a particular agenda. Try to find a Metropolitan Community Church to attend if you must maintain a religion.
there are different combinations and expressions to any sexuality. but to think that some of it wasn't natural...it just doesn't make sense that way. i (and others) am (are) not arguing for homosexuality being an inborn quality because I (we) want the others to think I (we) had no choice in it, to make myself not responsible. that's not what it is. honestly, if someone gave me an option to switch my sexuality to heterosexual (let's say it's scientifically possible and there are no side effects, just the switch) i wouldn't do it. i like that i like men and i wouldn't want to be heterosexual. but i never chose to like men, it all occurred naturally from the age of 5 (when i didn't even know what sexuality was) onwards. the fact that i'm OK with it and enjoy being gay is the result of a healthy childhood. a certain expression of sexuality (e.g. exclusive homosexuality in my own case) is a quality that a person who has it experiences firsthand. and i understand how other people (to whom the case is different) might not understand the existence of other expressions--it's because they've never experienced it themselves, thus they cannot be certain whether e.g. exclusive homosexuality is something a person was born with or not. they don't know. to them only their own sexuality is natural. but we all have a sexuality, whether clearly defined or mixed. and all of these are natural. i haven't experienced bisexuality, heterosexuality makes no sense to me, but i don't think any of it was something those people chose for themselves. there are people who are exclusively homosexual or exclusively heterosexual. but there's also a gray area with people to a larger or lesser degree attracted to both sexes. and it all falls within a natural spectrum. it's not just exclusive homosexuality or exclusive heterosexuality that are natural. whether you like men, women, both, or sometimes one and sometimes the other it's still all natural. all the permutations within the two extremes are possible, and as is seen, are all expressed. and this doesn't just apply to sexuality as we all know. most human variables are permutations within two defined extremes. i don't want to come off as some 'born gay' activist, but it just seems silly to me to say that it's a choice.
I very much agree with Meridianwest here. I am perfectly happy being gay, and would not want to change that for anything. I am very comfortable in my skin, and equally so, I am very comfortable with my sexuality. If it were a choice, I would be making that choice every single day of my life. Yet, I do have a difficulty in believing that any sexuality is largely our choice. Homosexuality is almost universal in animal kingdom. It takes loads of imagination to picture pinguins, apes, giraffes, etc. choosing (as in 'consciously choosing') to be attracted to the members of the same gender. A bit like Shale, I have experienced different phases of my sexuality. At first, I only thought, men were attractive, wanted to, and had sex with men only. At reaching my late teens, I felt that women were very attractive, and my homosexual drive subsided almost completely. After passing my mid-20's, my 'gay-drive' made itself somewhat felt again, and I went thru a fairly well-balanced 'bi-phase' with quite some gusto, too. Once I strated approaching my mid 30's, I quickly turned back to being exclusively gay, and loving it, as much as I had loved all of my sexuality heretofore. I have never felt that the gender of people I used to find sexually attractive had anything to do with any of my conscious choices at all. However, what made it all very stress-free and eventually possible at all, was very consciously liberal upbringing I had enjoyed as a kid. I was raised to believe that sex was entirely a private matter of every grown up individual, and that no one was supposed to show any interest whatsoever in what was going on behind the locked doors of your bedroom. Even more importantly, I was brought up in a very determined, strictly non-conformist environment. A grown up man did what he thought was right, and never sought any approval, popularity, adulation, etc., of his environment. Amazingly, people are always far more likely to admire you, if you do absolutely nothing to gain their admiration, than if you model your actions towards buying their adulation KD
Yeh, I totally get what your saying. I do believe as you said that their are different variations to sexually and possibly emotional needs. However the emotional side seems a bit more complicated. My partner once shared with me that the thing that she and I were lacking was that both of us didn't come together emotionally during or after our sexual experiences. I realized what she was talking about was something I had never experienced. Not within the hetero relationships of my past. An element that I believe I did touch on vaguely in my experiences with men but there was never enough "substance" to them to fully experience the wholeness of that emotional unity. I look forward to the day in which I will be free to be as I am regardless of what that entails. Unfortunately I didn't grow up in a liberal or emotionally honest family and my father even went as far as forbidding me to have "gay" friends. I did anyway but could never communicate openly and honestly with either of my parents. I have believed as of late that had I grown up in a more open and accepting family I may have come out early and been a well adjusted gay man today. However I guess there was some lessons and journeys for me to take and share with others before that could happen. Thank you all so much for your thoughts. It really feels nice to be able to share in a supportive environment.
I completely agree with you there. I think the notion that people can ''choose'' their sexuality, is stupid. Shale says what about those who like both? Well, I very much doubt he ''chose'' to be attracted to both men and women, in which case he was likely born with that tendency. Sure, a gay man can ''choose'' to have sex with a woman, but that in and of itself doesn't make him ''straight''. If he's not enjoying it, and isnt attracted to the woman, then he's still gay. You can choose to fight your sexuality, but that doesnt mean your sexuality isn't what it is. I definitely believe wholeheartedly, that sexuality is not a choice. What you choose to do sexually is a choice, but who you're attracted to, isn't. I see myself as straight, because I'm only sexually attracted to men. That isn't something I chose, it's just how I naturally am. Sometimes people can choose to be with someone that goes against their natural sexuality, but that isnt the same as choosing your sexuality. As far as I am concerned, whether you're gay, straight, or bi, that is a not a choice. I also firmly believe sexuality is inborn, set in stone, and can't be changed. Denied, certainly, but not changed.
Well... Let me introduce myself... I am bisexual leaning gay... I am a follower of Christ, a political conservative with very strong libertarian leanings I am a father and a foster father. I am a slutty bottom between the sheets. I love how men make me feel. I also grew up in a very conservative area in the 70s where no one came out of the closet and the few suspected gay guys were harassed to no end. That said I always knew I had an attraction to boys and men as well as women. You can be yourself and still keep your faith. The bible condemns all sexual sin not just homosexuality. Looking at a woman who is not your wife with a lustful heart is sexual sin be good to yourself and love others without judgement
Welcome to hip! I know this is an older thread but I'm glad you found it, I'm a straight female, but big supporter of lbgtq! I'm always here for anyone who wants to chat,
Whereas I'm an opponent of lgbtq so this could be a productive discussion of both sides of the issue. God made humans male and female, there is no third option and yes homosexuality and many other sexual practices are sin. I wonder where the OP is now, I think his idea that he is looking for the love from his father in a male partner is exactly right and having a perhaps overly protective mother would further exacerbate this desire. He is, like me, a particularly sensitive man, risk averse and agreeable. I went through a period of thinking I might be gay because I like musical theatre, boy bands and chick flicks. This messed up culture tells people like us we're either gay or we're actually women born in the wrong bodies. There are more masculine women and more feminine men but that doesn't make you any less a woman or man. My sexual preference while exclusively females tends toward the younger. That's something I have to fight daily. I'm a married man with an amazing son but it's hard. This is something people can't seem to accept these days. Life isn't about you feeling good or getting what you want all the time. Life is short and can involve long periods of suffering. But then we die and go home to heaven to exist in God's presence forever. Or not if you haven't lived for Him - it's your choice. Ok now I'm preaching so I'll leave it there. If I get banned for this whatever. I should be as free to express my views as anyone else. I couldn't leave this with only one side of the discussion having been said. We'll see what happens. God bless you.
I don't see why you would be banned from hip unless your only motive of coming here is to preach, I think for the most part I've seen very kind, understanding individuals here in the forum, there are topics of discussion that range a bunch of topics to interest nearly everyone
Looks to me like someone questions their own sexuality. That's ok we all have our demons to fight and I do not wish to judge anyone. Good luck in your journey and may God bless you
Do you wish attitudes in the 70s when you were growing up were more like they are today where no one cares if someone is gay or bi? Or do you just accept that is how things were back then and are just grateful now that society has moved on?
Things were the way they were ... Would my life had been different if I had just been able to come out and tell my parents when I was in love with a man and very happy to spoil him with my cooking and his. Cock yes that would have been nice but things are the way they are and there is nothing going to change that. But as a father and grandfather I can just make sure my family never has to make the choice between love and family
