Borrowing is your habit, You reek of it badly. Your fingerprints smudge on paper, The way your words slur. I noticed you first at the café, Trembling with your addiction Rehearsing, squinting through windows Until we made eye contact. I fell in love with your pathetic shadow, As your face crumbled over and over, Like the napkins I stole each visit. I am attracted to drama, The way children are to keys, Glinting with mysteries, I brought you home to study. It was there, your truths unraveled. Debt is a terrible cancer, That transforms our teeth to chalk. The cavities then invite the wind, To whistle as we talk. People mistake the wind for music, Mistake you as a friend, And this gives you the courage To extend your palms and spend. I have long since left the napkins, I prefer to use my hands, As I drive against the wind and its music, I believe, you'll understand.
Oh, this is rich! excellent analogies, scenes, depth... loved this one intensely... every stanza was great, intensity growing in the progression... great job!
It is so rewarding to have someone read my poetry even tho it sucks terribly compared to a lot of amazing work on this webiste thanks for voicing what you felt, it made my day!
I love this. "I am attracted to drama, The way children are to keys, Glinting with mysteries, I brought you home to study." nice. What about "Glinting with their mysteries"? Just an idea. Your poem of course. These are just opinions, don't let them hijack you. Structurally, it strikes me as not as tight as it could be - the sections appear differ in structure to each other in some ways. I don't know if that's deliberate but certainly if you wanted to you could take a more cohesive approach. I don't know whether I should be critique-ing I don't know this site's policy, but make no mistake, I love this poem. You have an eye for that kind of magical observation that some writers would kill for. Thanks for the read.
"I have long since left the napkins, I prefer to use my hands, As I drive against the wind and its music, I believe, you'll understand." I really liked this analogy. The whole poem was wonderful. Only don't use your hands, wipe them on your jeans Keep writing Peace&Love
That's really cool. I'll have to read it again to really get it, but I liked it muchly. The part about wind whistling through rotten teeth, being mistaken for music...fucking amazing image man, that's pure gold.
I also loved it very much. Everyone said what I was gonna say so I won't repeat them but this was very very good.
wonderful! i think fulmah put it perfectly when he described it as "rich". don't put your work down, this is a great poem and you are a great poet!
Thank you everyone , whenever i put my pen down your comments make me think twice i appreciate all of your reviews they mean soooo much xx k.
