here we go, The night i became a woman. Well ok, not the actual night, but the night i realised i was, that it had crept up on me, slipped my girlhood into its pocket and taken its place. My Husband is asleep and i cant talk to my brother in law about this so i tell you, i hope you will read this with curiosity, its just the story of one girl, but it means everything to me, and maybe it may mean something to you. It was tonight. I lay in my mother in laws house reading a book, fiction, yet compleatly true, and found myself crying tears of relief and understanding. It was 2am. It is the story of three generations of woman, a year in their lives, as one grows close to dying, the other brings a new life into the world, and the third is stuck coping with both. reading these womens thoughts i suddenly realised I'd entered their world. I have a son, he is four months old and the darling of my eye. I have changed so much in myself since he was born, all through my pregnancy i thought and thought, without understanding any of it, it is only now, that he is here and the pregnancy/birth wounds have lost their sting, that i can begin to make any sense of it. How does it change, i think now it changed as i lay in that labour ward, deciding to ignore the midwives and do what i thought my body was telling me, and then later, on the bustling maternity ward, so totally exhausted after three days of labour that i thought I'd die, i was so stunned that i hadn'd died allready. It was so hard, devastating, and yet i survived and got up six hours later when he decided it was time to see what all this fuss was about,to nurse my son. i had become mum, and here i was, in the worst physical and emotional state i have ever been in, and yet i was taking care of him, i used to be so selfish, still am but he overrides it. How do we women find the strength, sometimes it feels as though there just isnt any more, we weep and we feel as though the whole thing is too much and yet after a cup of tea we carry on for our babies, such love, even before i felt i loved him, i must have, its only latley that ive just started to feel he is my baby, even though i felt his head as he began just to show from inside me and saw him the second he was born, it was almost as if i was babysitting deep down. on the surface of course i knew he was mine, when he looked at me with those big turquoise eyes i felt it, but it was so fleeting, so distant, only now when he smiles that knowing smile at me, the one that says, hey mum, you know were in this together, right? do i know he is truly mine forever. his creation story, i have tried so hard to write this down, its all twisted up inside me and even now i wont be able to write it well enough. I'm going to cry and i havent even started, its so strange to be pouring all this out onto a computer screen, but where else should it go? i could tell you about what i wanted, the calm natural pregnancy full of joy and glowing with health, im young, what could go wrong, people have said to me i should just be glad i have a healthy baby but i cant help but mourn what i lost, the dream, and so much of my health, though at least some of it will go back to normal eventually. So i'll tell you the bad, and them the good, so you'll be able to see what a miricle the joy is, how potent and transforming it was. I was so sick every day from 5 weeks till the day after he was born, my hips began to seperate as my ligaments loosened far to early, i couldnt walk by 6 months for more than the distance to the bathroom, or to my mums car with crutches. there was pain ever day, my gums, (also softened, so prone to toothache) my joints, all of them, most of all my pubic bone, so painful i couldn't speak or move from a spot for hours, the constant nausea, burning acid as i was sick again and again, i felt as though my body were turning on me, like i was dying to bring him safe to the world. by thirty five weeks i was relieved to be in early labour, and then so guilty at that feeling as i knew he would be at risk. I hung on untill 38 weeks and was induced. big mistake. they made the labour so strong and painful, there was no getting used to the contractions, they went from sore but managable to mind rottingly excrutiating in a minute. the midwives were rude, dissmissive, argumentative and performed unneccesary procedures on me without my consent. i felt so utterly useless, weak and incapable, when it got to the point when i could no longer not push i asked to be examined to check i had lost my final bit of cervix, the midwives refused, then gave me conflicting advice, so i switched off and did the rest by myself, and then it came, what i had been waiting for, a rush of power and wisdon so sublime it had to come from the spirits of all the mothers, in fact all the women in the world. This was the moment, this was the good. I pushed my son out into the world with a failed epidural in my back, drips in my hands, wires all over my belly and all these people talking at me, i could hear noone, when i look back all i hear is my heartbeat and a voice in my head saying RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaai, an animal noise from deep in my chest that spurred me on. it was a metamorposis. i was frantic, desperate to do this now, a little confused but so determined, i pushed with all my strengh and so so soon i felt a rush, a warm, tingling gush like part of my body had slid out and bashed its face on the bed. he didnt like that. i pushed off my nighty and pressed him to my skin, hungry for him, his eyes squeezed shut against the light, his tiny fists frantically waving, his lips pursed at the intrusion on his comfortable water world and he nuzzled against me and stopped crying and that moment, that one instant made it worth everything. And of course life goes on, you slowly recover, you deal with all the emotions, eventually, its never easy or quick. How you feel like youv'e been disfigured, that your private parts will never be the same again, like your body has been swapped for someone elses. How its like you have dissapeared into the background now that the baby is here, they all want to meet this new person, but fail to realise that another has been born too. You learn your trade, mothering, like anything else, and then slowly the love comes, and oh, when it does! There is beauty in hardship and there are miracles everywhere. Peace and joy to you all, i was born again today.
wow, man, i mean woman, that was awesome, im sitting here in a complete state of shock, that sounded so horrible yet perfectly beautiful at the same time. you know, one of my biggest fears is giving birth, but one of my dreams is to bring a child into the world and care for it and love it, but the fear is overcoming the dream right now, but your story is amazing.
Beautiful! Looking into the eyes of a newborn opens a new world, that only new mamas can understand. The pains of pregnancy are worth it, I can't think of any other worthy end for those of us who have difficult pregnancies (or the pains of labor) other than a new human being. Blessings, Maggie
That was wonderful. I am terrified of having children. (WEll, Im only 16) But this story was just beautiful! Thanks for sharing. peace love and laughter Amanda
