My sisters boyfriend!

Hi all,
Just need an offload,and maybe gain some more opinions?I live in a different country from my twin sister,so we don't see eachother often.She ended her 37 yr old marriage 2 yrs ago.Just before ending it,she met this guy (I'll call him Tom).He is 12 yrs younger than she is,has never been married,never owned a house,and works a casual job.She met Tom via a forum of mutual interest.My sister has no real experience of dating other guys,as she met her ex husband when she was 15,and married him aged 18.
My sister lives in her second home,which was paid off a while ago.So she has secure housing.Tom rents with a housemate nearby.
After reading daily emails from my sister,I am concerned Tom is not a good match for her.Why?Firstly he is a control freak.If another guy looks at her,he accuses her of liking the other guy.One time he stayed the night at her place.He left for a while the next morning to go see to his dog at his own place.When he returned,my sister had changed her clothes.He then accused her of sleeping with someone while he was gone.Since being together,he has tried to manipulate her into allowing him to move into her place.His lease is up soon,so he is now putting the pressure on.He recently told her "He owns her"! Not long after they got together,she visited his house with him.She told me its was in a disgusting state,that he has a hoarding issue,and he had left his cat locked in an enclosure which was in a horrific state.She recently logged into his Facebook account without his knowledge and found some pm's to another woman.Nothing too suggestive,but he had sent a few pm's of cute gifs etc with a message saying "Hope you find this cute"!type thing.
For me,this guy has too many red flags.He seems really controlling,manipulative and anxious.My sister worked her butt off whilst married to buy this 2nd house,and scrimped and saved for it.Tom will move in,and have an easy life.What could be better for him?No rent to pay,just going half's with the utilities.After 2 yrs of him living there,should they split,he can claim half.
I've got to the point of being sick and tired of my sisters emails.She will write to me explaining her worries.Ask me to share my thoughts,which I do,then I get a reply from her saying Tom's really not that bad and that she "loves"him.
Is it fair for me to cut ties with her on this?I'm done with supporting someone who to me,does'nt know what she's doing.Can I just say to my sister.....If you're happy(?),then I am,so I will not discuss Tom any further!

 

I don't think you should cut ties with your sister, but maybe tell her your done hearing about this particular problem?

Or... Just listen/read and be there, let her figure it out for herself that he isn't good for her.

At the end of the day, no matter how annoying she is or how far away she is, she's family.

 

Sorry I meant cut ties with hearing about Tom not with her completely.I have said this.It'll go quiet for a while,then I'll get another email asking for my help.I've suggested she take a break from Tom to clear her head,and although she has said thats a good idea,she never does it.

 

the dick brother in law....its a classic...this guy sounds horrible...he's a doctor phil show waiting to happen......consult a lawyer and find a way to protect her assets...his next move will be to drive a wedge between you and sis...bet on it

 

The best you can do is express your opinion and be there for her when the inevitable happens. She's an adult and will have to make her own decisions.

 

That sort of psychological control can easily escalate to physical abuse, and isnt that one of the early red flags of abuse, the isolation of one's partner from their family/friends?

Probably annoying for you to hear about it and feel like she isnt taking your advice, but I would still keep the lines of communication open regarding the subject. You want her to feel comfortable coming to you for help if the situation escalates and she decides she wants out

 

Tom here. Look I'm really not that bad. And I'll be 26 in three weeks, so I'm not that young.

 

LOL

 

It might be helpful to suggest to your sister to seek counseling to figure some things out. Once she starts respecting herself (and counseling might help with this), she won’t be interested in dudes like Tom. She might not like that advice, but that is the advice that will help her.

 

As a general rule of thumb. Man or woman always accusing the other of cheating when there's no viable evidence is a cheater themselves. I hate seeing guys that think they OWN there gf/wife. That kind of guy needs his ass beat and to be alone for life as they never change

 

I agree with what Meliai said. Don't even cut off the communication on this subject. It might be frustrating and a bit hurtful that she ignores your advice but it's important you know what's going on.

 

Thanks guys.Update:Need more advice please!
Sister is now in discussion with ex husband about reconciling.She is considering moving back to her family home.However.......her "boyfriend"has now said,if she does this,he will tell her husband they were seeing eachother before she split with husband.(This is actually true).Her husband thinks she met this guy after they split.The guy apparently kept proof of past conversations via his phone messaging and Facebook screenshots too.My sister is now (1)Terrified to end the r/ship (2)Too scared to tell her husband the truth as it will get back to their adult children who will then hold it against her.What a horrible situation,and it reminds me what an arsehole of a guy this boyfriend is.
Does she end it and tell her husband the truth before he does?Is it against the law to use past messages against someone?TIA

 

Well fuck you too Tom. Oh wait no never fuckin mind I don't actually give a shit

 

Honestly, I think if your sister is considering reconciling with her husband, he should know the truth.

He deserves to know the truth.

If she decides to base this reconciliation on lies, then imo Tom isn't the only asshole.

Not even a month between considering moving in with Tom and considering getting back with the husband.
Does she even know for sure what she wants?

 

the truth's gonna come out, the only question is on whose terms?

 

Meh she is only thinking about telling because Tom is threatening to tell.
Otherwise she wouldn't.
I kind of feel bad for the husband.

 

honestly, I do too. but I've been in the husband's place before. (not a marriage, but a long term relationship/breakup/reconciliation)

 

Seriously......WHO GIVES A RATS ASS......I'm Sick To Death Of People Who Can't Resolve The

Most Basic Family Issues Without Coming On The Internet And Pouring Out Their Problems In

The Faint Chance Somebody Out There Who Has Never Met Their Family......(and if they are lucky

never will) Can Help Them....... Le Sigh......



Cheers Glen.

 

Yogamat, Interesting situation, but quite common. Your sister is blinded by love for this man and refuses to acknowledge the red flags, and still defends him. Don't abandon your sister on this, because in all reality, she is still seeking your advice. She will eventually realize this is not what she wants, and if it doesn't come to that and she wants to stay with this bum, it's her life, but she is still your sister. She confides in you, regardless, so always tell her she's wasting time with asshead.

 

You're late.