You probably won't find it online. It is in a book called Radical Ryhmes. I am gonna post mine that is in the book. Tell me what you think, don't be to harsh. I'd like to ask you guys to refrain from say oh it sucks, if it sucks tell me why you think it sucks. If you like it tell me why you like it. Art is about judgement, not everyone here is gonna like it. But I really do like it. Well here it goes... The One Once Loved I wonder what thou does do for ture love? Do I grab stars from the heaven? Give you a kiss from the angels? What thou does fear is what thou must have! A life without you is a life surely no one would live. Take my heart, do with it what you do please. What makes you throw my heart away? When does it become fair again, what's love? You voice chiming like the song that the birds do sing themselves. I was once driven hoping you would be mine once more, the life of two worlds cannot be. I cherish your words, as I slowly drink the posion once loved. The sadness truly is bitter. By Tiffany Well I hope you like it, it is supposed to be a sonet. I am not sure if it is in the right forum, let me know if it is or not.
The first stanza seems too full, perhaps a different spacing... ~~* I wonder what thou does do for true love? Do I grab stars from the heaven? Give you a kiss from the angels? What thou does fear is what thou must have! A life without you, is a life surely no one would live. Take my heart, do with it what you do please. What makes you throw my heart away? When does it become fair again, what's love? *~~ Lots of questions arising from 'The One Once Loved,' Perhaps in 'Being Love' One finds a knowing. Thank you for sharing your work.
Well Tiffany, to be honest, I don't find this very inspiring. I cannot see what separates this from prose with random line breaks. I also have a problem with a poem in the 21st century using words like 'thou'. It is antiquated and outdated, and completely disconnects the reader from the poem. Who, in modern day poetry uses phrases like, 'do sing', 'what you do please'? I have no idea why you switch between thou and you repeatedly in the first stanza. Did you have a reason? Has nobody else who has read this pointed out that fact? One last little gripe. If you are going to put things up for other people to read, at least use a spellcheck/dictionary. You say this was published? They must have had a good editor.
Hmm, I would second the point about the "thou". There is nothing wrong with thou in the right context, but you actually use thou and you in the same poem, even though one is just an archaic version of the other. I think you need to ask yourself why you've chosen that specific word, instead of alternatives. A sonnet is short, so you've got to make every word count, and be very deliberate in your choice of each one. You only get 140 syllables! Also, it sounds a lot like is trying to sound elizabethan, without actually being so. The grammar doesn't quite match with the way they would speak then. Consider also, making it less vague, "kisses from angels" etc is all very standard-issue love poetry. Give us some personal experience and revelation, don't write the poem you think we want to hear, or the poem that sounds the way a poem "should" sound, write what you feel. Just because it is a love poem doesn't mean it needs to be sappy. Hope that was helpful, I know it probably seems like a whole bucket of critique. Good luck,
