Hi, Sorry it's a long story...I got married 1 year ago after dating my husband for nearly 10 years. Before becaming a couple, I knew he had a bf before me, he's a bi, and I'm ok with that past. Most of time , we were happy and our sex life was ok, except 3 years ago, suddenly told me he wanted to move out (we were living together for a while), and our relationship went down. But several months after, he asked to move back in with me. And we started to get along better until now. However, recently I found out he has been secretly go out with guys (since 3 years ago he moved out)for special sex playing like kinky, bandage, dom/sub, humiliations.... I was shocked and felt betrayed. I confronted him and asked if he has ever cheated on me, he admitted, but not all of them, he just admitted that he dated with some guys while he was still with me (he didn't mentioned anything about his dom/sub, kinky... sexual activities). He also told me the reason why he dated with other guys was because he enjoyed someone liking him but he's over with it now. He had no idea that I've figured all out. (including how he told other gays who like him that he broke up with me, while we were still together...) He also told me he loves me, and still wants to be with me. I asked why didn't he just broke up with me and be with the guy who's really into him and wanted be with him, he went, gay lifestyle is not what he wants. After his selective confession, I told him that what has happened just broke my heart, but I chose to move on and leave past behind. Also I told him I dont appreciate his secretly playing with other guys. He has stopped for a while, unfortunately, I found him doing that again. I have so many questions in my mind, I don't understand if he loves me, how can he still play with other guys? Also, I never against his sexual fantasy, and I'm very open minded, he knows that from the beginning. How could he still lie to me? To be honest, I'd feel much better if he told me the truth, it's the lying part hurts me completely. Makes me question why he even marries me? Can anyone light me up a bit?
well if he was up front and honest about it i'd say that he just wanted a little fun on the gay side of things, to which i'd suggest bringing up the idea of using a strap-on... but if he's lying to you about it to this extent i'd say it sounds like he dosn't much appreciate or respect you.
I think I'm gonna talk to him about it, just, I don't know how to start....might sounds silly and weak. knowing he's never confident about himself, a bit self-contemptuous, I do not want to upset him or make him feel worse. I'm doing it because I want to help him get out of his shadow, and also help my self to forgive and forget. Any suggestion how to start?
i'm honestly not the best to ask on breakups. the only one i had was so much of a mindfuck i don't know if my ex even believes we broke up... it was basically a long perioud of arguing and stuff up to the point where i couldn't stay there with him any longer. (and he knew this) but during that whole time even up to when i left he kept talking to me as though we still had a future together (i swear it was like i was talking to two different people) i guess the best approach would be the direct approach. just confront him upright and explain that you know EVERYTHING and demand an explanation or it's just not gonna work between the two of you, and you can't stay with him if he's gonna keep going behind your back and cheat on you. (i should note that, as you mentioned he's bi and has been doing this with other guys, if you're OK with him experiencing the gay side of things so long as he dosn't hide it from you, then you should probably explain that. if you're not okay with that, suggesting use of a strapon might be good so that way he can still get some of that experience. i'm a bit bi myself (mostly gay) and if i was with a bi guy i wouldn't mind him getting a girl, or even bringing a girl in SO LONG as i was told beforehand.)
wow this is really complicated. i think that his gay part is really important to him, more important than being honest to you... i don't blame him for wanting what he wants, but he cheated on you. i think that the only way he can be honest with you and still get what he wants is if you have threesomes with guys. then he wouldn't have to lie to you.. if you just have a conversation with him, he might just say that he loves you again and that he will stop, and then still secretly dating guys. or he will really stop, but never be happy. i'm sorry, but is it worth it? i mean, he cheated (not only sex, but dating, and telling the guys that you broke up), then you talked, and after telling him that what he did broke your heart, he did it again... i don't know all the details of your relationship, but based on just that, i don't think that's respect... and when you asked him why he didn't break up with you, he said that gay lifestyle is not what he wants.. i mean, is that a good reason to be with you?? the correct response would have been "because i love you so much". i'm not going to tell you to dump him. but my advice is to think about all this... all the best
So how can you be shocked and betrayed if you knew this beforehand? Ahhh, so basically you use sex to control him, when you get what you want it happens, when you dont it doesnt. Keep it lean keep em keen as it were, the whole time making out its a chore. And it never registers to you that that makes it seem to him you find him unnattractive. Even though its likely the case you want it more than him and he has to do most of the work anyway Yeah, thats not why. Actual gay guys arent going to go near him, any gal friends are going to be uncomfortable around him, get a little to pervy, say dumbs things. When a lot ofthe time they are hanging out with us is to escape that kind of thing for one night. The guys he is seeing arent gay, they are bi, and in similar kinds of situations to him, have a wife/girlfriend, family whatever Well the reverse question is why did you marry him. There are opposing forces all round here. You talk about love, but it seems more important to you whether or not he's having sex with others. And it only seems to be a problem when your sex life suffers or he wants to move out. You call yourself open minded, but he wouldnt lie to you if he thought you were. And are you going to try tell us you've never lied to him? That in itself would be a lie. Well, you cant fool us anyway, I've seen it 10,000 times over, its always the same, wife acts clueless around everyone else, but then a hot gay guy gets within 10 feet of her husband, scrunches up her nose and its evil death stares. And what are you going to do, dump this one then try your luck with one of the totally straight neanderthals? 3 day old pizza stains on the t-shirt, armpits that smell like blue cheese, bourbon breath 2 minute missionary, angry little boy all the time? No, Thats probably the main reason you married this one
are you saying that straight guys are all with stains on t shirts, smelly, bad sex etc? she felt shocked and betrayed because he cheated on her! and lied to her! does it really matter if it was with girls or guys? do you find this weird? he is married to her, he shouldn't cheat
I empathise with you, but it is for you two to work it out - my wife and I found great advice and guidance from HUGS (couples must join together), MMOMW (making mixed orientated marriages work) and for women only: Alternate Path. Google them. Good luck, Simon :sunny:
I felt shocked and hurt because he cheats on me. The whole behind my back situation makes me feel like a fool. I guess it's the cheating part that bothers me. Our sex life is ok, just like every couples, we used to suffered for months (either he's not in the mood or I wasn't), but we've been continuously have good fucks for a while now. As to why I married him, I couldnt think of a better reason than "I love him", which is why I posted my question here trying to find a way to work it out. To dump him probably would be the last solution I'd consider, if he still lies to me.
i understand, i would feel really hurt too. if you don't want to dump him and you want to work it out, i suggest threesomes... because it's obvious that sleeping with guys is non negotiable to him....
Your sex was good cause he was cheating he gets off on going around behind your back and dwas probably thinking of the guy when he was with you. He will cheat again. Maybe with more guys or perhaps with a woman he obviously does not care about how it makes you feel or he would've stoped but he didn't. You don't need to leave him if you want someone who will cheat on you and get off on it then stay stay in your mess and enjoy every moment of his cheating. You knew what you should do the moment you found out he had done it again.
Yeah, pretty much Bull.....shit. Shocked? that the guy she knew had a boyfriend before, is bi, is seeing guys? Neither should she. Everything said to her gets edited cos she's a girl, dont get her upset, dont make her cry, there there honey, hugs? That kind of attention seeking. If she is or has cheated on him, its not like she's going to admit to it, cos everyones opinion will turn. You or anyone else has no idea. Once married, and often they dont really care who they marry, just that they get married, a couple years later they are bored with it and then back on the prowl again, the husband the last to know. Most of them end up like that And of course she didnt mention the thing its usually always about, Money. If he's a good husband in every other way. Then I stick to my original challenge, if she is going to put the green eyed monster first, then dump him, see what happens So you or others may call me cynical for talking like that, act like its crazy talk, total nonsense. Even though its likley she's not going to dump him.....because she knows, most of all the other guys out there are fucking morons, possibly guilty about cheating on him and acting like this, guilty that he has to go elsewhere to feel 'liked' in the bedroom because she knows full well she tries to control him with sex and finally guilty that she pretends its all about love and that he may be great in every other way, and yet more angry and focused on him having sex with someone else. You dont pick guys based on jealousy first, dump one like this for some smelly loser so you dont have any competition, only to end your days retiring to the trailer park or worse. Thats just stupid
I agree with you, she shouldn't cheat either. it's not about being a guy or a girl... if she cheated i would accuse her as well. but she didn't say anything about it here, so how would i know that?? and yes, shocked! who cares that he is bi?? he had a bf before, yeah. but now he is with her, right? this is not about being straight or bi... if he were straight, he would have had a gf before, so she shouldn't be shocked if he cheated with a girl? and i didn't call you cynical, i just don't agree with you... i don't care about his sexual orientation at all. he cheated. who cares if it was with a guy or a girl?
If it was with a girl she'd be just pissed, she wouldnt be disgusted as well You focused on the cheating aspect, me on the bullshit aspect and Dark Suger focused on him and DS is right, one of those guys that gets off on being humiliated, poked whilst wearing his wifes underthingies, then get off by telling her about it, then probably getting called a dirty little pervert, then constantly reminded about it and put down all the time But.... She's getting off on it too, sounds cutesy and vulneable for the most part till we get to the part about having good fucks grrrrr boi-yah. Refers to him as bi and the ones he's cheating with are gay apparently. No gay guy is going to want to get with a guy that gets off on thinking its perverted, they'd just be other married guys like him Anyway, that superiority thing, I'm so good and wholesome, I'm such a pretty princess, I feel so betrayed by all the dirty things he's done, I cant believe how upset he makes me, I cant stop thinking about all the dirty disgusting things they do to him, please dont tell anyone I cant stop touching myself thinking of all the dirty disgusting things they do to him, I cant believe how 'upset' I am. Its made to sound cutesy, but she's Master, He's the Slave. Whats the real reason for the thread. Does she really want relationship advice, or just want to type it out, think about it. Or 'She' is actually him and probably long gone
holy fuck dude, this isn't a gay vs straight thing, this is about someone cheating on someone else. who are you to say that she wouldn't be as, or more, upset if it were a woman?
Vanilla gorilla, I have the number of a therapist if you would like it! I don't understand all your anger, she didn't mention she had cheated. He cheated on her with guys. He wanted to do something that he was maybe too embarrassed to ask her to partake in. She said she was open minded but maybe he thought that she would be turned off by the humiliation thing. I really don't think you have added to this thread in any way at all with your anger filled rages. Straight guys are all beer swilling thugs. I suppose your boyfriends are all perfect gentlemen? What if one wanted to do things you weren't into? As for the original post, just confront him, that's all you can do. If you leave it you are going to end up as hate filled as vanilla gorilla.
