Hey, everyone. I haven't posted on these boards for a little while due to being busy, but all of that is neither here nor there. I had a question about one of my close guy friends I was hoping some of the readers of this post could give me insight to: I have been HAPPILY in a relationship since September. I honestly could not be happier. My only small issue is that I have been dealing with a close guy friend (I'll call him "x") since before my relationship started. We became close friends through one of my girl friends (I'll call her "y"). I talked to x online a lot, and one day he confessed that he liked me. I was a little confused about what I was doing then (again, this was before I was dating my current boyfriend), but I soon came to realize that I was meant to be with the guy I am with now and did NOT string x along. I told him the reality of the situation then and there. Well, months pass and x continues his friendly nature toward me. I try to just see him as a very friendly, affectionate person. He smothers me in compliments DAILY, randomly asks if he can call me, begs me to hang out with him, and always wants to do favors for me. If he can't do a favor for me, he becomes really upset and feels like he's let me down. I do sometimes find his attitude toward me to be strange. Often I get the feeling that something is off about the way he acts toward me, but then I try to tell myself that there are other explanations. There must be. I tell my boyfriend all of this because we are very close and share everything with each other (he has been my best friend for years). He becomes very upset over some of the things I tell him x says to me, especially compliments about my looks or his comments saying that I am "awesome," "great," ect. frequently on a daily basis. He tells me he thinks x still has an interest in me. I reassure him that this cannot be the case, but the comments seem to grow in severity as time goes on. He even made a statement I found rather inappropriate. As the comments begin crossing over the line of what I feel friendship should consist of, I start to become more and more uncomfortable. About the explanations I make for him: I try to reassure myself and my boyfriend that he obviously just doesn't understand what is over the line. He (x) told me before, after I mentioned I am uncomfortable with his comments, that he was homeschooled up until the point he started college and he is not meaning to make me uncomfortable and realizes I am in a relationship. In addition, he told me (shortly after I started dating my boyfriend) that he liked y. I figured x felt nothing for me anymore. I even had y ask him if he still liked me, and he said that he didn't know what she meant because he knew I was in a relationship. I try to pass most of his comments off as jokes, even the one I found inappropriate, although I was bothered deep down. I know this was the wrong thing to do, so I eventually ended up telling him I felt it was over the line and made me very uncomfortable. My boyfriend also had a fit when I showed him x's comment. Again, x tells me that he thought he was joking around (even though in the comment he bluntly told me he was NOT joking "but didn't want things to be weird"). I just now asked y if he does any of the things he does to me, including a persistant request to talk on the phone. She told me that he does not do those things to her, so I am starting to feel like the only one he does this to (even though he only is close to 2 girls--y and myself). Am I wrong for feeling uncomfortable? I honestly do not want to act mean, and x is a great friend of mine. I have tried telling him how I feel and how bothered this makes me, but nothing seems to work. He just tries to reassure me that he is just being friendly. I just don't think a male friend should constantly comment on a female friend's looks every day if she is in a relationship (a happy one at that). What do you all think? Do you think this is just friendliness? I will say I feel this way with no other male friend, even though they compliment me from time to time. I only feel uncomfortable with him.
He sounds like he's in denial. I would consider that coming on to you, very strongly. He seems to not want to stop, even though you've asked him to, and even denies that he's doing it. Is he saying he doesn't fully understand social cues? I was home-schooled and still sometimes have difficulty reading and sending social cues but wow. How can someone not know that's hitting on someone? But if you're uncomfortable it needs to stop. He needs to understand that whether or not his intention is to make you uncomfortable, he is ultimately doing just that. And whatever he's consciously or unconsciously doing that makes you uncomfortable needs to stop, even if he feels he isn't wrong.
X has feelings for you, and he's hoping that you will change your mind and pick him over your boyfriend.
Thanks for the replies so far. Yeah, Therese Aline, I completely agree with you. I was homeschooled too, and I am also a bit awkward socially (probably more than others because I am very shy), but I still know the difference between hitting on someone and not hitting on someone. I just don't know what to do. I've tried telling him, and other people think I should just not talk to him anymore because he doesn't seem to get it, but I really don't want to lose a good friendship .
I feel you there. Have you told him straight up 'I know you feel you're not being inappropriate, but this, this, and this feels inappropriate to me and I don't appreciate it. I value this friendship, but you're making it difficult for me to feel comfortable around you so the things I mentioned have to stop. Period.' Try to resolve it yourself, and if that doesn't work, ask your boyfriend for help.
Therese is right. Basically tell him that he's going to kill of your friendship if he keeps acting this way. Of course, he may not be interested in just being friends, so you may lose his friendship anyway.
you're question is is it ok to feel uncomfortable? OF COURSE if you naturally feel uncomfortable by something then it's not wrong to feel that way seems to me like he still wants to be friendly with you so that when you're broken up with your bf, you'll go to him. but idk
Perhaps detailing to him that while you do value his friendship you value your relationship more and he might want to reconsider forcing you into making a choice of which he will be on the losing end. He's not respecting the boundaries that you've set out and a gentle but firm ultimatum needs to be delivered.
