my first poem

hey guys and gals..i was having a truly horrible night and wanted to vent out all of my frustrations from the past couple of weeks. so i decided to write a poem just tell me if your feeling it, and of course constructive criticism is appreciated!

I see a picture of myself
One of which I have not seen
It sits upon a large old shelf
Where memories have gone and been

And in this picture I am young
A smile on my face so strong
A smile that I hardly recognize
I shudder just to realize

For all the times I've been a mess
For all the wrongs I've caused
I hope my mother will digress
That my innocence is lost

Yet I see a gleam of hope
Some hope for this young boy
For when I hold this picture next
My new smile will it test

 

renounce rhyme.

 

don't be a dick, bhaskar. its his first poem.

my only advice is to read other poets. shakespeare isn't the only one, you know.

 

I'm not being a dick, I'm telling him to drop the compulsive need to make poetry rhyme and use a freer form to express himself. Rhyme is hard to do and nearly impossible to do without sounding like Mother Goose or a Backstreet Boy.

 

im a bit tipsy on egg nog right now, but i have to confess, that your criticism does truly impress

my bad guys im drunk..but i will take your remarks to heart, ive been researching for a bit on different lyrical schemes and whatnot..not finding any useful info

it would be quite helpful if anyone can shoot me a couple of web addresses that might be useful for my future poetic endeavors

here;es one more i wrote that night

And now I see you standing there
With snowflakes shimmering your hair
You say to me our time has come
Your patience seems to slipped on none

I cringe to think of this defeat
I loathe myself with courage gone
You seem to find my love unfit
But yet you choose to linger on

I dream of you each night and day
And for our love I always pray
For love is nothing but a game
A game, where attitudes are tame

So miles apart we are tonight
And still your love caresses me
It seems to me, your mind's made up
Without me better off you'd be

once again i know that i might sound like a backstreet boy but its arite, im a quick learner

 

check this out

A MASS OF GALLON SLOTH
AS FLIES HAVE WALLS FOR FEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

i do not comprehend

but im diggin the owl