I have accepted that I am bi after overcoming the fear, shame, and confusion of a fundamentalist Christian childhood influenced by my grandparents. I have realized that my father is gay or bi as well. After the death of my mother this has become more obvious. He watches gay romance films on netflix, his car radio is tuned to a gay talk station when I use his car, etc. These are obvious things that he has to know that I know about (because I've watched some of the same movies) and he knows that I use his car sometimes. I was never really close to him but now I want to build a close relationship since he is the only parent I have left. I'm 20 and he's 50. I feel like this is the gigantic elephant in the room that we aren't discussing. I want to talk to him more about my life and I feel like this one thing we aren't talking about is preventing me from being closer with him. I would like him to at least tell me if he is. He's middle aged and grew up in a fundamentalist church, went to a Christian college etc. My grandparents are homophobic bigots and would be devastated if they ever suspected him or me. So I doubt he can ever come out of the closet to other people but I feel like he should to me. Is that too much to ask? Should I tell him I am interested in guys as well as girls? He was obviously in love with my mother and was very devoted to her but he could still be gay and have loved her. I wanted to get the opinion of middle aged gay/bi men about this situation, maybe from some folks who were married with kids, since I cannot talk to anyone about this obviously. What should I do? How would you react if you were in my father's place or in mine? Thanks
Sorry I don't fit the criterion you are asking for but if I were in a similar situation I would just talk to him about it. By the way you described it, it doesn't seem like it would be all the difficult to do. He watches gay movies and listens to gay radio.. he will accept you as you are, his son.. the same one he has had for a while now. It doesn't matter if he reveals to you verbally that he is gay or not. I think it'd be good for you to speak your mind and clear your side of the street. It would probably help break down the barrier you feel, regardless of what happens.
As for your grandparents opinions that is just a whole bunch of assumptions on your part. Being really keen for you to have kids, not wanting you to have everybody else bitch and gossip behind your back has nothing to do with homophobia or religion. Just like when you see a politician on the TV that has the ability to say words out loud, doesnt mean anyones going to believe him, doesnt mean anyones going to believe that he even believes what he's saying, or that he doesnt have an alterior motive Just becuase they may be overly paranoid about it or react in a childish way or talk negatively about homossexuality doesnt mean thats what they are concerned about As for the big elephant in the room, who is really talk about their sex lives with their kids or parents? Most dont, so that elephant exists for most, so whats that got to do with gay or bi? First and foremost you have to check yourself 'he could still be gay and have loved her' gives you away. You didnt say 'he could still be bi and have loved her' . That would be enough for the gay guys and some of the girls to work out what you really are What makes you think your mother didnt know all along? Because of the disney act she put on with you? How do you know she isnt bi herself? How would you know if either both or together your parents were having three ways back in college, before they met, after they got married, even now? You dont have any idea, and as the kid you'd be the last to know. No your mother cant be like that cos she's what? A good person? If she'not bi? What would bethe difference between youwanting to believe she's a better person, better mother if she' conservative and straight and the crap from the bible bashers you are complaining about? Thats the way your dad will think, knows he's not gay, hears you say stuff like 'could still be gay but love her' and is going to think WTF has that got to do with getting a good blowjob once in a while, which would be another reason he aint going to talk to you about it
I wouldn't know how to put this to words so if I wanted some one to know something like this I would let him catch me with a guy and see how he reacts
Thanks for your response. I think perhaps you misunderstood me somewhat. I have no desire to discuss my sex life with my father and I don't want to know the details of his. But I don't think it would be out of bounds to establish where we both stand. If I come out to him so he isn't shocked when I date a man, shouldn't he come out to me as well? Or must I do all of the awkward opening-up and he remain silent? Parents and children are at least aware of each other's orientations to avoid surprises if nothing else. My parents weren't in that situation. When I told my mother I fancied boys as well as girls she was very upset and said that she didn't know any bisexuals or gay men. I doubt she would have reacted that way if she were bi or knew my father was and was comfortable about it. She also confronted me about watching gay romances on the netflix account (when most of them were watched by my father) I don't think she would have questioned it if she knew about him. I did not mean anything by saying "he could still be gay but love her" except that I am fully aware that bisexual men love their wives and have fulfilling relationships, I took that for granted by saying "gay", I meant to say that even if he was gay and not bi, he obviously could have married her and cared about her anyway. I'm not exactly sure what you meant by your comments about that statement. I'm very open-minded when it comes to relationships and the broad spectrum of human sexuality. I meant no offense.
I think its about time someone in the family started living in reality. Your dad has left a shit ton of clues and you know your own feelings. Maybe you can start by talking about having watched the same gay movies or some comment you hear on the gay radio station. Your dad was/is poisoned by your grandparents religious lunacy. It may be harder for him to break that hold than for you. Its kind of crazy but you may have to parent your father on this issue. You're right you do deserve a chance to be recognized as the man you are. Apparently no one else in the family will break the hold of fundamentalism. If you don't want a life full of lies start with talking to your dad. It will take courage but you're gonna be the one to do it if anyone. Good luck.
