I would like to ask some advice? I`m married to Aimee who is 37, and has a son (alex, 11) from a previous marraige. The situation at home is strained at best, Alex doesn't see his dad who anounced to him that he had a new family and was getting married (alex hasnt seen him since). Our home lives are spent arguing most of the time usually about stupid things, give an example yesterday (sunday) alex comes in for his dinner which aimee spent all afternoon cooking I pour him a lemonade before I get mine, I sit down and he gets up again to get another drink, open the fridge to which the door is broken, and jars fall out of the door. Aimee then shouts at him to sit down, alex storms out without any tea!!! The mornings are even worse alex having to be woken up atleast 4 or 5 times before even waking up. Sometimes he refuses to go to school, and me or aimee end up chucking a sicky at work (I hate lying to them because I always think they dont believe me) then by 3:30 he fine and hes off out playing with his friends which, I think just takes the piss. I constantly walk on eggshells i`m worried about causing arguments. The way he speaks to me and aimee (if I spoke to my dad like that he would have knocked me into next week) one minute hes shouting at you name calling, and generally saying he hates you (usual kid stuff) the next hes all over you saying he loves you, and aimee does the same thing she'll have a go at me about something usually stupid like not washing up, then the next minute she's hugging me saying she loves me. I dont know whether i`m coming or going. they both talk to me like crap then its just like nothings been said. Am I going mad??? am I just being sensitive??? It really makes me angry and stressed!!!! and to be honest it makes me into someone I really dont want to be.
Have you tried talking to Amy abut this? She should discipline her son and you shouldn't stand for it either, but she's gotta be the one to discipline him, imo as it's her kid. So I suggest talking to her about the way he speaks to you and tell her you don't appreciate it, and you don't like being disrespected by her, either. If you've already tried this, I can't really suggest much other than to try one last time (and make it clear to Amy it's the last time, too), see if there's a change, and if there's none, move on. I know that's going to be hard if it comes to that, but it's better than staying in a family environment you're not happy in. Other than that, you could try telling Alex off yourself, (as in, don't speak to me like that) which I'm sure you've done at least once? and if Amy gets pissed off with you for it, tell her that you won't stand for being treated like that and it's her turn to discipline the kid, but I'd try the talking approach first.
I havnt tried talking to aimee bout it really I have approached the subject. I have tried telling alex off myself, and usually his favourite retourt is "well, thats how you speak to me" its a constant fight to have the last word which, I really don't want to get into because at the end of the day it makes me look childish, and I think it wont solve anything. Disciplining him just doesn't work, if he cant do something he just moans at you or won't leave you alone untill you crack, and he doesn't mind going for hours on end. Aimee does try to discipline him but then it creates a horrible atmosphere between me and aimee (dunno why). It doesn't help by the fact we live in a very small house so none of us have any private space. At the moment they both stress me out Aimee partly because sometimes I feel she stops me doing things i.e. I needed to fix my motorcycle on saturday and aimee was asking me to go shopping with her, which then makes me feel guilty because im not spending time with her, but if I dont do the bike I dont get to work. Alex its just a constant battle one arguement lurching to the next, he doesnt do anything for himself (and I have been known to pack his school bag in the morning because hes in bed). We are seeing family councelling, which does help but, very often I just sit there while aimee and al battle things out.
my father died when i was nine. my mom remarried when i was like 14. i didnt like my stepfather at all. not because he was a bad guy, but because he didnt understand life before him. i was the man of the house before him. i helped put up the christmas lights, i had to mow then lawn. i fixed my own bike. i had to help my mom with dinner. once she remarried, my stepdad took over. i know he was just trying to take care of things, but i didnt like that. i felt like he just saw me as a little kid. so i started doing immature things, similar to not waking up on time. since my stepdad just viewed me as a little incapable child, why shouldnt i then act immature and irresponsible just as a child should. thus, i would suggest making alex feel more like a man. give him some household chores. responsibilities. find out what things hes into, and try to do those with him. or even try to get him involved in a sports league. also try something new, something he might be better then you at. maybe go paintballing. or let him be leader of a new tree house project. mainly, just get his life more active and involved, and he will feel more involved at home.
I can relate to what you are saying about Alex... I was like that as a child. My dad was gone and it was just me and my siblings with the kind care of my mother. I can tell you right now that the fact that his dad has tosed him away like a peice of dirt for something new is killing him inside. Hes acting out! My mom would have to wake me up 5 to 10 times for me to get out of bed....I constantly through fits and I swore and argued, all in all I was an angry child. Although he Alex should not be talking to you that way think how you would act if you where his age dealing with the fact that your dad doesn;t want anything to do with you. As for his mom sounds like shes really stressed out and on edge... I say this because when Alex opened the door that was broken and stuff fell out it sounds like she sort of snap...a stress relive if you will. I know Im young but I had to deal with my mom who was stressed out and she would snap at things like that too. Im sure she loves you shes probley dealing with hard times. But I think you guys should sit down as a family and talk...try not to argue. But thats what got my family through, plus a little counsiling. Its not easy but with a little work I think you guys can make it. Good Luck Just to add on about the school lunch and not doing things for him self... Well don't do it for him either hes not going to learn if everything is handed to him. And if he really wants a lunch he will wake up and make it. Don't let him have his way cause it shows him that he can control you. And most important you really should talk to you wife about alex...word your self carefully because that is her son and Im sure she loves him very much. Talk about rules with her and then sit down with him all together and lay them out for him.
I dont want to sound like a wingy wine arse but, me and aimee have tried talking to him and laying down rules. usually if we try and talk he doesn't want to and we are told to shut up. thing is we cant physically force him to do anything really and he know that. he knows that if he flatly refuses to go to school, get dressed me or aimee will have to have the day off to look after him. Its like the goal posts are constantly being changed, he tells us everything is fine at school, then 10:00pm at night or 8am in the morning he says its not. It just drive me insane!!!!!!
why cant you force him to do things? you two are the parents act like it. if you dont want to knock the kid on his ass or dust his britches with a swich. use blackmail remove favorite items. let him come home one day to no TV not playstation no radio or what ever. if one item removed dont work take another untill his room or even the house os void of any entertainment for him. and tell him why. then in time if he acts up to your wife and yourselfs standards start slowly returning items. is for the way he talks to you well it sounds like its because your women talks to you that way and you take. so he tried it once and got away with it. so now its what your gonna get. you must not be an american you just sound way to soft. and stop worring about the motor cycle when you should be fixing the fridge door so things dont fall out when you open it. again your the parent now like it or not and your the man. and if you dont know how to fix the fridge ask the boy to help you if he complains take something away untill he gives in. he acts the way he does because he was taght it from someplace. you have to change and stay consistant. you cant come down like a hammer one time then come down like a feather the next time. im not saying to beat the poor kid or anything but if its corprel punishment or groundings or what ever you have stay consistant. i am a single parent and i tried parenting books none worked for me and our lifestyle but i was reading some books on training equine and said to myself that sounds like a good idea with te kids and so i tried them. and it works really. sure you cant strap a saddle on your kids and ride them thats not what i mean its just the general concept of training them is the same positive reenforcement and consistantency. if you want them do do something dont stop applying pressure untill they give in . and as soon as the give release the pressure. if they stop reapply pressure. after task is completed reward them. stay consistant and before you know it they are doing what they are supposed to do without even being told. then you move onto another area .
I have a book that might help with the child. it's called The Explosive Child and it helps explain how to avoid power struggles with a strong-willed child (would work with adults as well). Punishment doesn't work with some children, plain and simple. If what you are doing is not working, find another solution instead! But as far as the verbal abuse and emotional manipulation goes, your family should probably be in therapy. That is not acceptable, not from mom, and especially not from kid.
I was raised in a latin american home. "I'm not going to school today" or "go away mom" was usually followed by my ear getting pulled towards the school bus or a spanking. This kid doesnt listen because he doesnt have to. Postive reinforcement is always better but if the child realizes that not obeying has consequences much worse than going to school he might choose school just for shits and giggles. Oh and watch for malingering, sudden sickness or mental disorders. They can be cured with a little discipline as well. Kids today are on too many pills.
that is so much bullshit!! That's exactly what they thought I was doing, making it all up to get out of going to school. Doc after doc after doc simply told my mom to be more forceful with me, or even beat it out of me, or send me to a head shrinker. And when I was thirty and finally found a doctor that recognized my symptoms and finally got a diagnosis, my situation had progressed to being nearly untreatable.... We should build a relationship of trust and respect with our children. If we do, we can trust them to tell us the truth and believe what they say.
Your still letting him controll you. Lay down the law and if he don't like it that is his problem...Don't take the day off.... Tell him he will be grounded if he doesn't go to school and stick with it. Take things away!! Seriously if you laid down the law and stuck with it ...Im sure things would improve. But if he doesn't want to listen...You guys are going to conucling if im not mistaken. Then when you go there tell him there...he won;t run and may possibly lsiten. Tell him its for his own good. Kids listen more than you think sometimes. Good luck
Yeah definitely, you're letting this kid control you, both of you. You two are the parents here so what you say goes. Don't take the day off when he doesn't want him to go to school, tell him he's going and that's it, then one of you get him there; go with him on the bus if you have to, the embarrassment and humiliation of that may make him change his ways for one, or drive him, which ever method applies to your situation.
nobody wins a power struggle. That won't work. It doesn't work now, it won't work later either. Being boss of him is not going to work. Letting him be boss of you will never work either. There is a middle ground here, but it takes some effort on both sides to find it. Try that book I recommended above. There are others like it, but I like that one best.
The kids hurting inside. making him hurt on the outside is just going to make it worse. Find a way to prove to him that you are NOT going to dump on him like his dad did and let him know that you are Not going to be his dad and that you are not there to replace his dad. The most you can be is a friend above all don't be the enemy. The best thing you can do is to be the calm in the storm. There is a lot of tension, frustration and anger already so try not to be any of those yourself. Try compassion, calm and understanding. If the child was the "man of the house" for a while then let him be that again in measure. return resposibility to him...ask his advice (seriously) use his advice when it's good or even marginal. Ask for his help even if you don't need it, but never demand it. Never get angry, there is too much of that already. If you get angry then find a different place to vent it. Throwing burning wood on a fire will not put a fire out.
I know what ur saying peeps, I find it sooooo hard though yesterday we went out to the local nature reserve (he likes birds and bird watching) and he did nothing but complain, his hair, hungry, ice cream wasnt right, lthe list went on. I ket my calm amiee shouted at him. I do try my best to kurb my anger as much as possible but, find if difficult when he wont do what I ask.
Well of course its difficult nothing comes for free.... theres always going to be a price to pay. Buy that I mean your all going to have to work at it. But he is complaining because hes not happy...sure he was happy about the birds...He probley just fnds it hard to find anything joyful in life...his fatherjust tossed him away like a piece of trash. But I swear talk to Amiee and try to help her calm down. And seriously try to understand him a bit more, be his friend. But Im glad to hear that your trying to keep your cool. Its hard not to get pissed off sometimes.
^ if your refering to beating him...thats not going to help any! Its only going to make him act out worse
