My ego death and molecular destabilization.

My roommate and I have been experimenting heavily with psychedelics over the past few months of the summer. We are both well versed in a sleuth of traditional hallucinogens and have been so for many years. We had been doing frequent strong doses of LSD since the beginning of the summer. Regarding ourselves to be on a mission to spread the good word of LSD too all those whom would listen, and by listen I mean eat our small sweet tarts. A steady supply of a junior chemist east coast made vials filled with what I would call the purest liquid fueled this fire. As we fell deeper into the realm of different psychedelics and obtaining larger then normal amounts of said chemicals we constantly met more psycho-nauts whom could facilitate this.

My roommate had a friend from school who mentioned he had broken into DMT and was part of a close-knit group of people who thrived on the alteration of the mind. An opportunity came about for my roommate to experience one of these gatherings his friend would attend. While there he drank a brew of Pharmahuasca and also smoked pure N,N-DMT from a pipe. As instructed the next day he came home with 4 grams of the DMT, and this is where my recollection begins. Over the course of the last week I have experimented with DMT on a few different occasions. It was not until last night that I truly experienced what I consider the full capability of DMT. Although it may not have been the farthest reach one could possibly go on such a complex molecule, it was the farthest I had ever been.

I started my day late after a much needed nap. I awoke to find my roommate and two associates in my living room. I had been planning on taking LSD since I had gotten home from work, but my nap had run until about 7:45pm. Regardless I got up, walked straight to the refrigerator and consumed 4 sweet tarts that each contained 1 drop of LSD. I made my way back to the couch, covered myself with a blanket and sat with my eyes closed listening to the people converse around me. A little over an hour had passed, my come up had subsided, and I was finally feeling the beginning of my plateau. The two people my roommate had over had left, and he informed me we would be having a friend of a friend come over to obtain some DMT. At this point I was having a great time on the LSD but due to excessive use, 4 hits was nothing overwhelming in the least bit. I would have much more preferred 2 more hits but I had taken the last of the batch. I want to stress the quality of LSD we have had in our possession is quite possibly in the top tier of LSD floating around in the last few years. I’ve seen many veteran users knocked on their asses and exclaim that they had never had something so intense. Although, we had felt the last batch we had procured was milder than the last.

Before our new friend arrived, my roommate and I discussed smoking some DMT. We decided to wait until after he had come and left. Once he arrived we instantly all had a connection and talked about our stand points on psychedelics. My anticipation was too great and I decided I wanted to expand my mind just a little more. Our new friend and I, each took a turn taking a trip. I talked about the small children that I had seen behind my eyes whose abnormally long arms reached towards me as if they were children in a circus fun house mirror. I had almost been angered by the fact these children would not let me see their faces. They would turn their heads ever so slightly or go in the side of my immediate vision, so that I could never see what their faces looked like. I laughed about the fractal carnival I had seen and hoped that in about an hour I could try again. My only goal being that I just wanted to see their damn faces!

About an hour passed and everyone was about to leave our house except me. I asked for the pipe to be filled with DMT before my roommate left to pick up his girlfriend. I wanted to have double or even triple the dose that I had been doing before. It turns out the bowl was packed with somewhere between 80-90 milligrams of DMT. My roommate turned to leave, and I anxiously asked him to make it a speedy trip there and back. I realized I would be trying a very high dose, by myself with no distractions, which could possibly become a frightening nightmare. I prided myself in being able to take incredibly large and sometimes possibly unsafe dosages of hallucinogens. I mean after one has insufflated 30mg of 2ce, and then re-dosed 10-20 milligrams repeatedly for a few hours, you think you can just about do anything. I was wrong. I’ve heard of the concept ego death. I thought I understood what complete ego loss was, and that I had experienced it before. I’ve read many stories of people supposedly loosing themselves from levels of psychedelics that I have far surpassed. I wonder why my psyche is so strong. I’m confused on why my brain does not freak out, or put me in a state of mental shock when I’ve done some of the things I had done. I’ve seen people completely freak out, and become so frightened they can’t leave the bathtub for hours at a time. Usually I have done way more of the substance then them as well, and yet despite obvious body loads and side effects, my mind is unscathed. Why haven’t I had a panic buffer recently? I can recall only once that I actually became frightened, and thought that I would never be normal again. That was the first time I had ever tried LSD. I had done 10 hits of liquid dropped onto my tongue and left by myself in house for the whole trip. It’s quite a story which I still years later don’t fully comprehend and probably won’t ever begin to understand.

I apologize to the reader for my over-explaining but I want you to have the best understanding of how I work, have worked, and will continue to work in regards to psychedelia. This takes us to the minutes before my experience. I gathered “Kitty”, the weed pipe turned DMT pipe and a bic lighter. I laid down on our most comfortable couch and started the process. All the lights and music in the room had ceased and all that was left was a cliché lava lamp across the living room. I took my eyeglasses off a placed them respectably next to me. I brought the pipe to my lips, lit the lighter, and sucked in. I held my first breath for about 15 seconds blew out and took another. I held the second hit for another 10 seconds and blew out. I scrambled to take the largest hit out of the bunch on my third pull; I closed my eyes and held the smoke. I have no recollection of when I blew out the smoke. I was instantly transported into the circus I had seen one hour ago. But wait… I was moving past these visuals. Quicker and quicker the circus of lights and fractal patterns was becoming more solid. These visuals were compacting, becoming something new. I was no longer in the circus. I was the farthest thing from the circus. There were no children, there were no elves, and there were no bright colors or stunning geometric patterns. There was only me.

I realized that everyone was gone. But how do you realize everything is gone when you have no mind to think? No basis of memory, no recollection of language, no primordial instincts, just an empty being. I had nothing in my brain; I had lost everything I had ever known and learned. I had also lost everything that was naturally there which could not be learned. There was nothing. Void of reasoning, void of thoughts, and void of two elements that make life, body and mind. Yet somehow I was able to watch this experience. I would call it something beyond an out of body experience, making it an inner mind experience. Why would I want an out of body experience when I could detach my ego from my brain and completely undo singular creation? (I’ve had out of body experiences before on mushrooms and they were a cakewalk compared to this state I had brought myself to.) By singular creation I mean, one person, a single human being whom was created by something. That something be it god or extraordinary circumstances which brought essential building blocks in the right place at the right time, in the right conditions. I undid all of the architecture that our body and mind was based and created on. I destroyed the blueprint, and went back to when it was only a piece of paper lacking pencil marks or design. I opened my eyes only to realize this wasn’t solely in my mind. There was no distinction between my eyes closed or my eyes opened. I looked down, and I all I saw was these things. What were they? Why were they there? What is anything? What are they called? I had no language. I had no idea what words were. I knew nothing. I stood up quickly and made my way in what I now know is the middle of my living room and realized I was staring at what I now know were my hands. There was nothing there. I was alone in a new world void of everything. My hands were crumbling in what looked like molecules. My physical body was breaking down at a molecular level. I don’t mean this as an analogy; I literally mean that I was standing there, eyes open, watching my body breakdown and come apart. I stood there for what felt like 10 minutes investigating this thing that phenomenon, which made no sense because I understood nothing. I was dead, I was not physically dead, but I lacked anything that could classify me as alive or human.

I stood there looking around this ever expansive room, everything looked foreign. Somehow I walked into my kitchen and grabbed the filtered water from the refrigerator. I vaguely remember everything in the fridge was perfectly geometric and lacked any definition of labels or characteristics. Everything just was. I made my way back to the couch and laid there. Slowly over the next hour, language came back to me. I could not talk after about 5 minutes after the trip for I still had not grasped the English language. My mind was racing and kept feeling confused because I would visualize an object and have no idea what it was called or words to describe it. 10 minutes after I came back to this still foreign actual reality, I found the small square in my pocket and frantically tried to recall how to make the small square work. I racked my brain for the thing that the person I lived with had been born with; their name. I remembered! I remember how to make the small square work! I scrolled down to my roommate’s number, and pressed the green button which I now knew meant call. He answered and all I could mutter was oh my god, come home, faster. He said something that I assumed was meant to be comforting but I still wasn’t fully there. I laid back on the couch, put on the Beatles on and tried to remember the essential things about myself.

I was mildly in shock, and anticipating the arrival of my roommate so that I could finally explain everything that had just happened. The best term I could muster up when he got home was; molecular destabilization. Imagine molecules vibrating fast enough where they dislodge themselves from their chemical bindings (destabilize), and have the ability to move, melt, and combust. Last night I watched my body destabilize on a molecular level immersed in complete ego death, what did you do?

 

all in all your just another wall of text.. Have some respect for those that read under the influence of psychedelics.. noob!

 

Take more then.

 

When I've had ecstatic mystical states with DMT, there have been two different kinds of experiences. One is similar to what you describe, like a void, the loss of language and sense of individual existence, the veil is lifted and you experience yourself not as an individual but as an illusion of a sense of self seperated form THE sense of self, God, consciousness, whatever it is. The other is essentially the same, but instead of just the illusion being revealed, langauge and memories having been forgotten, they are seen for what they are as everything is seen for what it is. It's difficult to explain. It's like becoming aware of all of reality, while not forgetting these things but instead understanding them as they are, as it is, without being under their spell.

My first breakthrough with DMT actually was very mild visually, but the profound state of God consciousness was almost overwhelming. The visuals started off intense, but as I took the 3rd hit and passed the pipe back across to my supplier, to my suprise the visuals suddenly went "un-psychedelic" and became totally normal, but not only normal, they were my own memories rushing by on fast forward in front of me. I saw my daughter being born, my son being born, myself as a child etc, very much like how the Qu'ran says that your Book of Deeds will be revealed to you shortly after death, it's mentioned in many spiritual scriptures, also related often by near death experiencers, I'm sure you are all aware of this phenomenon even if you've never experienced it yourself.

Shortly after this vision faded, I again was able to see my friends sitting around me; they were just beginning to get high. As I looked around at them in confusion, these golden amber beams of light turned on and came down as if from behind me, it felt like they were shining from a source just above and behind my head. I turned around to look at where they were coming form, but all I saw was the roof of the open teepee, the stars beyond the night sky. We were in the middle of a forest so I knew the light was not coming from a physical external source, they were very brilliant though dull in colour.

I looked forward again and then lowered my gaze to the earth. There was a pregnant dog sitting to my right with her head against my lap, and I could feel her breathing through her throat against my leg. I felt an understanding hit me of animal nature, my consciousness became as an animals and I sympathized with wildlife, then I noticed my ex girlfriend (I'm gay, long story, the mother of my daughter is the first person I came out to and we've remained best friends ever since, in fact she still lives with me) and my consciousness changed again to involve itself with human nature. This was about a minute into the trip.

Then the visions became somewhat psychedelic again and I lost the ability to perceive my environment with my eyes opened, and this feeling of something rushing came over me, everything started to go extremely fast and I felt this bombardment of sensations and thoughts that seemed strange to me at the time. My first reaction of course was one of internal panic, so I assumed my meditative posture with my hands folded in my lap, bent my head slightly forward and closed my eyes, and this "coming up" feeling, this rising sensation, culminated in "myself" rising above my body, I mean like I felt like was I lifted up out of my body and plugged into a sort of sat chit ananda, for lack of an English equivalent. I merged with the "all" and while I retained a sense of individuality, I was simultaneously aware as perfect awareness. Everything made perfect sense by ceasing to have any need for sense to be sought, I just was, existing outside of time in a formless presence without location.

The only thing I could manage to say when I came back to my senses was "That was exactly like mushrooms." The effects had not gone yet and I became overwhelmed again so I put my head back down and rode out the rest of it in silence.

I've explained elsewhere on this forum that I seem to have some sort of hyper sensitivity to mushrooms, for some reason they take me to that mystical communion, regardless of how intense it is visually or physically. I seem to be wired to receive that state, one which I do not get so often with LSD or the others.

The first thing my daughters mother said after she came down was "I saw these beams of golden light coming from behind me."


Anyway I've had experiences similar to what you are describing, what people call an ego death experience, though I don't get precisely that, too often. I get something like it, but there is something else that eventually takes over. I call it ecstatic mystical, or God consciousness, others might call it samadhi or moksha or zen or satori or whatever. I dont know that these experiences are necessarily different other than in name. I will mention however that this did not start happening until after I had an experience with the sound Om, or Aum, with mushrooms when I was 21 years old. Prior to that, the ego death trip was totally void of any awareness of the other.

 

I hope Mr. Porkstock is reading this thread. Do-do-doodle-oo-do-it!

 

Incredible read! Really intense stuff, i was looking to experience ego death my self as I have become obsessed with psychedelics much like you described, but that sounds intense, I still feel like I would like to some day, but maybe after a few more experiences ya?

Hope you still find love for Lucy, she's an interesting gal

 

fucking SOLID story man. I too feel like I have experienced ego death, and I remember how my dmt trips would continue to show me hints of this room, and i would see hints of half machine/half advanced humans each trip, but each trip i would go deeper into it and understand it farther. Kinda like your "circus" thing. I have yet to just straight up go to this empty room though. It frightens me to death the closer and closer i get. Oh well, ill get there at some point. I hear its a beautiful experience, you made it sound kinda freaky and unpleasant...