My daughter just came out... Advice needed!

Discussion in 'All in the Family' started by ValerieWK, Jun 15, 2013.

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  1. ValerieWK

    ValerieWK Guest

    Hi everyone, I hope it's ok that I post here.

    I'm a straight, married woman with a 13 year old daughter who has just came out to me as a lesbian. We recently moved from Phoenix AZ to the Bible Belt for my job, and I'm concerned. I really want to support her and be a good parent, and I have no idea what I'm doing, so I was hoping to get advice.

    1. At 13, were you sure? What are the chances she will change her mind?
    2. How can I be supportive of her?
    3. What did your parents do or say when you came out that was particularly helpful or harmful?
    4. What do I do about sleepovers?
    5. Any other thoughts or advice you could give?

    Thanks in advance for your help. I'm so proud of her for being open with who she is, but I'm also worried, as I know this will be a more difficult road for her.
  2. Victoria1987

    Victoria1987 Member

    1. I've talked to my partner and a few friends of mine about when they knew they were gay or lesbian, and the general consensus seems to be that most knew around that age, even if a few were in denial. There is a chance that she doesn't know if she is or not, because it's hard to tell at that age. I'd just take her seriously and not expect her to change her mind.

    2. The only thing you really need to do to be supportive to your daughter is to support her. It's that simple. Let her know that you'll love her no matter what, that her sexuality doesn't change the way you see her and all that.

    3. My advice in regards to this is not to make a big deal out of it. My dad didn't make a big deal out of my sexuality at all. He didn't have a negative reaction, but he didn't throw a party either. He just accepted it, supported me and didn't act like it was any different.

    4. Sleepovers are a bit tricky. I don't have any advice about that.

    5. The fact that you're in the bible belt might make this hard for her. I'd recommend doing a little bit of research on any LGBT community in or around your area, trying to get in contact with them and asking for advice. My understanding of the gay community in the bible belt is that while they're small, they're very supportive and helpful for other gay people and the families of gay people.

    Also, given that you're in the bible belt, you should also encourage her to only tell people she trusts completely.

    She has a hard road ahead of her, and you and your husband will too. But be strong, don't give up and be as supportive to her as possible without embarrassing her.

    I wish your family the best of luck.
  3. Aerianne

    Aerianne Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    All of Victoria's advice sounds good.

    My daughter didn't come out to me as "Bi" until she was in her early 20's and already had a child. She caught me completely off guard but after she told me nothing changed and it's never been a big deal.

    Since her child's father, she's been more Lesbian than Bi, and has had a couple of relationships with young women who my husband and I have just adored.

    We are very supportive of her and of her gay friends. We, and her 5 year old, attended the Gay Pride parade with her and her friends this past Fall.

    Even at her age, 27, I worry about her having a difficult time with people who aren't accepting of her lifestyle but she's never had any problems. She goes out with her 5 year old and her girlfriend all the time. I think people are becoming more tolerant or learning to mind their own business and keep their mouth shut.

    Good luck to you and your daughter.
  4. Lynnbrown

    Lynnbrown Firecracker

    My brother told me he was gay about the time he was graduating from Charleston. At that point he was moving to Houston, which has an enormous gay community. This ^ was MANY years ago.

    My mother was told at the same time, but separately...and she never, ever changed her feelings toward him. In fact, he remains to this day the golden child whereas I am the black sheep. She is from a totally different generation (an almost gone generation at 93 yrs old), and not only does not tell a single soul around here of my brother's marriage to his male partner; but, thinks ;) she has actually "forbidden" me tell a single soul. ftr...he couldn't care less who knows what around here, nor do I. :)

    I'm just saying all of that to say that my family has a bit of experience in what you are talking about, AND I do (he did) live in the dang midst of the bible belt. I'm rather ashamed to say that, in general, you will find the most intolerant, judgemental people right the bible belt.

    Since becoming an adult, I've never really given a damn what someone else thought about me...and if they ever had anything to say about my brother (who I believe fought who he was for years) I was ready to fight - both physically and with words. Nowadays nobody is interested (much) in causing trouble for an older gay person.

    That being said, I would advise that along with totally accepting whatever your daughter says that she (and y'all) be careful about who you would tell this to.

    At a school, for instance, I'm not saying for her to be ashamed at all...but just to use discretion as to whom she would tell...Down here, at some schools (not all, but a LOT), they could/would make a gay teen's life hell.

    Also, just wanted to add that Victoria's advise was excellent.

    Good luck to you all.
  5. Heat

    Heat Smile, it's contagious! :) Lifetime Supporter

    Good advice on this thread. :)

    My sister came out years ago and the only thing to do is let her know how much you still love her and that it does not make a difference in how you feel.

    Keep communication open and learn with her.

    Be aware that as much as there are laws to protect her that there will still be those who are not open and the subtle discriminations will be there. Those people just get more politically correct in public about doing it.

    Love her and be proud of her for being adjusted and balanced and sharing with you.
  6. The Kaitlyn Hunt case got a far bit of coverage this year, Kaitlyn got some flack from all sides, alot of people up in arms with no real knowledge of the situation or any idea about the younger one. A 17 yr old with a 14 yr old, which then turned to 18/15, thence illegal.

    I'm not offering an opinion on the case. Google and read up on it, its important in your case. Theres a lot of opinion in the public arena about the older ones motivations. But at least consider why the 14 yr old was hooking up with her in the first place, could have just been about wanting to seem more grown up. Or she could have actually needed a protector/bodyguard.

    Thread is nice an PC so far, full of lovely little phrases. But at 13, thats one of the things most important to her, highschool can be like prison for some/most. I'm cetainly not suggesting she go fo a Kaitlyn Hunt, but who in her age range best fits that bodyguard desciption, that wont take advantage of her AT high school when there are no parents around
  7. silk896

    silk896 Member

    Support, support, support.
    Probably don't do too much proactive stuff yourself. Don't make it a discussion point with her unless she wants to.
    let things simmer ....... 'cos

    Your query in Q1 is somewhat valid.
    At 13 she's just doing the puberty thing and having a crush on girls is one of those things that can surface and be temporary.
    This is not to go into denial or create doubts in her - just be aware of the churning complexities of the pubescent female id/ego.
    Think to the confusions you went through yourself at that age. All girls are different, but certainly we were not always the most stable creatures on the planet.
    She may very well be genuine - if so, support, but let a little water flow under some bridges and see what happens.
    And what will be will be.
  8. Desos

    Desos Senior Member

    yea, alot of girls go through a stage in early adolescence that makes them temporarily lesbians or bi. it may pass.

    if i ever thought my 13 year old daughter was actually becoming lesbian and it wasn't just a phase, i would tell her it is wrong and she needs to change. edit- you could explain to her why it was wrong. if she didn't change, i would discipline her until she did.

    kind of along the lines of i am your parent you are going to do what i say kind of lines.
  9. Desos

    Desos Senior Member

    thanks for the neg rep but yall are idiots, support her? gtfo

    GLENGLEN Lifetime Supporter

    -rep...Won't Support Your Gay Daughter, What A Fool You Are...[​IMG]

    Cheers Glen.
  11. lively_girl

    lively_girl Member

    Why don't you explain it to me, because I'm not 13 anymore but apparently still don't understand what is wrong about it.

    Yes, you can always make your children do whatever you want and this approach works splendidly. Really? :rolleyes:

    PS: I don't appreciate being called an idiot.
  12. eggsprog

    eggsprog anti gang marriage HipForums Supporter

    You're very welcome, you hateful piece of shit.

    To the OP - nothing to add from me, but I think you're approaching this with the right attitude. Hopefully everything works out well for your daughter. High school is hard enough for most kids, but I'd imagine being gay Iin the bible belt adds a whole lot more challenges.
  13. scratcho

    scratcho Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    Unconditional love is the answer. And protection from neanderthals. They're a dying breed and none too soon. I have a lesbian daughter and she's a lovely,funny person.
  14. Desos

    Desos Senior Member

    if you can't understand it then it doesn't need explaining. so what if i have a view that does not support homosexuality. isn't this a free speach forum? why do i get flamed for having an anti-homosexuality view? ya'll are assholes.

    we're here, we're anti-homosexual, get used to it.

    yea it's called parenting. children shouldn't just be left to themselves. you should have enough authority in your kid's life to be able to tell them something and they will do it.
  15. Aerianne

    Aerianne Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    You're in the wrong section for this talk. This section is for Lesbians and Lesbian supporters only.

    Actually, males aren't supposed to post in this section at all.

    Anymore of this and all your posts will be removed from this thread.
  16. Aerianne

    Aerianne Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    REMINDER - No Male Posting In This Section.
  17. lively_girl

    lively_girl Member

    It says on top of the page, that this place is just for gay women.

    You would probably have to delete most posts on this thread then (including OP and this one).

    GLENGLEN Lifetime Supporter

    Point Well Made, So What Happens When A Straight Woman Posts

    In A Lesbian Forum...:).??????

    Cheers Glen.
  19. scratcho

    scratcho Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    Exclusivity is bullshit. I have a lesbian daughter ,so the issues lesbians face are important to me. My post was taken down--I guess unconditional love,as I mentioned, doesn't count. Take this one down too.
  20. Aerianne

    Aerianne Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    I'll undelete all the posts.

    Free for all!

    Go for it.

    Fuck the forum rules.
    (I don't make them, you know.)
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