My confusing and tormenting love situation

I made a post about months back explaining my situation involing me and the girl whom I love as it existed at that time. To summarize, around the middle of june she was taken away from the city by her extremely strict and controling Muslim fundamanetalist father. We had been together a little less than two months at that time, though we were very very deeply in love. She had loved me for an even longer amount of time, as we were very good friends for a few months before we became emotionally and physically attached. We both thought the world of each other, and wanted nothing else but to be with each other. The time we did spend together was magical. She was very depressed and discontent with life at the time we met, but the time we spent together worked wonders and she began to gain enjoyment out of life again. I liked nothing other than to be with her, as she was the girl I had always dreamed of having, though she far exceeded in amazingness any girl I could have possibly dreamed of. She is extremely intelligent, poetic, strong, graceful, funny, and beautiful. Her beauty far exceeds anything I can compare to; words can not do her beauty justice. We would laugh together and talk and talk and never even get remotely sick of each other; the more time we spent together, or talking to each other, and believe me, this was a lot of time, the more we loved each other.

Her family is very strict and crazy. Her father is, as I stated above, a Muslim fundamentalist. He does not live with the family, though he is still married (I don't think his relationship with his wife/my love's mother is a very good one, but she is financially dependent on him as she does not have a job) and he still exerts control over the family. Occasionally he comes and spends time with them. He is a horrible person whom I would wish the worst of deaths on. When my love was in the sixth grade had a boyfriend and the father found out, he moved the entire family to Egypt for over a year. Suffice to say having to live with someone like that is extremely emotionally traumatic.

When he found out that his high school graduate daughter of 17 years had a boyfriend, he forced the entire family to come to Pennsylvania. When she left, she called me a few times in the middle of the night, as the phones were guarded. At one point, when she wasn't sure if she would be able to contact me any time soon, she made sure insisted I understood that no matter what, she "would always love me." Her parents caught her on the phone. The next morning she also called me, as she said her parents were out of the house. However, after about a minute she frantically had to go as "they were home." We said that we loved each other and hung up. That was the last I had heard of her, though I knew she would be attending college in New York at the beginning of the fall.

I tried to contact her in early September, but I had no luck. When I finally located her online, perhaps around 10 days ago, I taked to her. She had had online access earlier, but had not contacted me. She said to me that she hadn't contacted me because she was afraid. She informed me that she is being allowed to attend college in New York only on strict conditions; she lives with her mother and her sister who picks her up from and drops her off at college every day. She seemed very non-talkative and emotionless, very not herself. She had always been completely open with me and shown her trus self and feelings. She said that she was too afraid to be with me because of her parents, and when I said I would wait until she is 18, she didn't say much, except that I shouldn't wait. She insisted that she had not forgotten me, but expressed confusion as to her present emotions.

I talked to her again the other day, but it was even more distant and the conversation was haulted prematurely by her mother. I was blocked, and she told me her mother had gone through her AIM the other day and saw my screen name. Since her mother didn't know my other screen name, I was able to talk to her. I asked her if she had any days off from school next week, and she said no; I have two days off, and since she has none, I wanted to meet her and see her for the first time in 3 months. She said that her fear of getting sent back to Pennsylvania was too great and that she worried about her sister seeing her (her sister goes to school across the street, and acts as a second mother). What it came down to is that she could not emotionally handle seeing me.

I don't know what to think or do. Letting go of her and moving is is proving to be the most difficult hurdle in my life, as I am not sure if it is one I want to jump; as a result, I delay my jump at the last minute and don't go push up with enough force to go over the hurdle, and just bang into it and hit my head. She is the most amazing girl I have ever met. She was my first and only love, and I was hers; I lost my virginity to her (she had had sex previously, with one guy who sort of used her, but it was never pleasurable). Not only that, but our relationship seemed perfect. We just went so well with each other; we were both constantly amazed at how happy we made each other. We would laugh, enjoy ourselves, and just be endlessly happy when with each other.

Since she came back, she has seemed far more distant. She seems like the way she did when she was most seriously depressed and would lose her ambition; I know she still loves me, but she is afraid of loving me and being with me.

I do not want to move on, though I know at the very least I will have to wait. I am completely sure that if we just saw each other again we would come to an understanding, but the distance just leaves me lost.

I am very high as I write this, and am about to go to bed. I don't quite know what I'm asking, but I really don't know what to do. This girl is one in a million, and we flowed together in a manner neither of us had ever even approched with anyone. She said she hasn't even given thought to being with anyone else, but she still pushes me away. Whenever she was depressive and pushing-away before, I would always penetrate her shell and (no I don't mean like that, though I suppose that's true too) make her happy. She would be infinitely glad I made her lose her pessimism; I know it would be the same way now - she just sounds as if her family has gotten to her head so thoroughly (they always do) that she has given up hope of seeing me. If she has, I know just seeing her would make it better. This is why giving up is not an option for me.

I've been going crazy with this. I've been feeling pretty shitty lately as a result; sometimes it gets really bad and I just cry or fall into a horrible mood. I feel very lost, and like I am in a problem with no real solution. What do you guys (and girls) think I should do?

 

She will never leave and it's going to take you on a tour thru Hell to make you understand that and move on.
But someday you will look back and say OMG why did I do that to myself.
In a nut shell Bro-
SHE IS NOT AVAILABLE!

 

thats a mighty tough situatin, but, yea, if she's 18 she's an adult and if her relationship with her family is so abusive, you should get her to move asway with you...even if you live together in a shitty apt its better to be with the one you love than apart

 

i'm sorry i have to agree with wizarddrew here... she's not willing to leave her current situation. she's an adult now, and doesn't HAVE to stay with her family anymore. if she's not willing to leave everything she knows (and not many ppl are) then you really do need to move on. she'll find herself eventually, and maybe after she gets her education from her family she'll leave and live her own life, but for now, obviously she is not available.


sorry, but i'm sure you'll be able to move on, and maybe you guys can get together in the future.

 

First off: You're lucky she's still alive! Google 'honor killings', and you may begin to understand. I lived for ten years in the Middle East, and the misogyny there is often lethal. In Islam, a woman is just property,like a camel or a goat, her testimony worthless in court compared to a man. In Cairo today, you can go to the slave market, and buy the woman of your choice, if you have enough money. Are you beginning to understand? If you could raise a significant amount of money (Maybe $5,000 would be enough) you could buy your lover away from her father, and even get his blessing! You would have to marry her in that situation though. You need to understand that they don't think the same way as you do:

Muslim Arab mindset 101:

Two key words: HONOR & PRIDE above everything else. This is how the religious zealots (Al-Qaida, Hamas) and the secular nationalists (Fatah, PFLP) are identical. Money, possessions, comfort, blood...even human life are all secondary, relatively unimportant values compared to the Muslim Arab man's all important sense of personal and family pride. This is why when an Arab Muslim's sister/daughter has premarital sex, the 'honorable' thing to do is to publicly kill her, in order to restore the family honor. Not all suicide bombers are devout Muslims. Take away the religious brainwashing nonsense, and there is still a massive sense of pride, accomplishment, and family honor when he blows himself up killing a few hated infidels.
Becoming a Shahid (martyr) is the highest honor in his society- much more dignified than becoming a successful businessman, athlete or entertainer.

Point the sole of your shoe in his direction, and he'll be whipped into such an insulted frenzy, the Western observer would think you've just shot his dog or something. Compromise is never an option to him, only absolute unquestionable victory. Anything else would be an unbearable insult to his pride.

P.S. If the above TRUTH isn't P.C. enough for some of you, I suggest you forget everything you've learned, go back to your cultural relativist fantasy world, and suck Michael Moore's peace pipe while you're there.

 

Pointing the soles of my Hiking Boots at you and throwing sneakers too!
JUST because you are so Angry!

 

Learning new things frightens you, does it?
Show me then how you could have written out the above information, while keeping a calming, Jane Austen tone.

You are the epitome of worthless, you first give the guy advice which is dead wrong (he can get his girl, but only after he learns to understand Arab Muslim culture) ...and then to drive the point home how worthless your thoughts are, you actually criticize the one guy here who is intricately familiar with the Arab culture and language!

Way to go wiz!

 

Oh... you are so sure that he can get his girl?
All he has to do is take your little Middle Eastern Course of anger Mgmt?
He is wasting his time and so are you trying to be the Middle Eastern Expert on relationship negotiations.
Now I'm throwing all my shoes at you because your an angry ass hole!

 

Contributes nothing but dead-wrong advice, screams at the one guy who knows what he's talking about, but knows so much about Arab culture that he certainly understands when I tell him: Ta3a Mous Airey w-ilhas tizi, ya ebn el metnakah!

Leila Sa'eeda, ya kalb

 

wiz and metal...y'all are quite amusing...in my opinion (notice i state 'my opinion')...there is always a chance that she will one day get fed up and abandon her family...although that may seem unlikely...i mean this situation is like trying to predict the future...i believe for you it'll be too hard for you to just drop her cold turkey because there is always that chance that it will work out. I'm sorry..this reply is really pointless b/c i can't tell you how life will turn out...it ultimately is up to you to make the decision of whether or not you will endure this for who knows how long.

 

It sounds to me like this could be something to soberly walk away from as a 'learning experience'... or it could be the beginning of one of the greatest epic love stories of all time. The choice is yours!

 

no pressure!

 

I forgot to state that she is only 17. This is why they control her so badly.

When we were together before, she disobeyed her oarents at every opportunity. She earned freedom and took as little shit as she could. Now she is just succumbing mindlessly, sort of.

Her fear is going back to PA, where she was sent for the summer. She has a lot of bad memories there and really hates it.

 

perhaps you should consider not disrespectin her folks - callin her father a muslim fundamentalist is not exactly respectful

differences between peoples dont necessarily help - be them cultural, religious or others. its not confined to the muslims ..applies with christians, jews et al

 

He is a muslim fundamentalist. That is the phrase she uses, and I don't see how it is disrespectful; he prays 5 times a day, has an entire bookshelf full of Korans, forces her to pray/attend religious ceremonies though she doesn't believe in Allah, etc.

Respect is earned. Her family does not deserve any respect, for a variety of reasons. They try to control her and don't let her be the person she wants to; they blame things that go wrong on her, and they are mean and borderline abusive to her.

 

hmm whoever called a christian goin to church on sundays and shelves with bibles a christian fundamentalist!

they may be whatever they are to her - they're family. take a poll and see how many are reaaaally happy with the actions of their folks towards them

anyways,

 

Ran out of shoes-going to smoke a joint!
Peace!

 

Fundamentalism: A usually religious movement or point of view characterized by a return to fundamental principles, by rigid adherence to those principles, and often by intolerance of other views and opposition to secularism.

By definition, he is a Muslim fundamentalist. I suppose that could offend someone, but I don't worry about not offending; he is a Muslim Fundamentalist. I don't need to get into a semantics argument, but for this situation that is an appropriate way to refer to him.

Her family abuses her in many ways. It is not that I have a problem with him for being Muslim; I have a problem with him for being abusive. His abuse follows a Muslim-fundamentalist doctrine, and so the fact that is Muslim must be pointed out. It could just as easily happen with a Christian, Jewish, or Aethiest family.

I'm not making my points well as I'm extremely tired (didn't sleep much at all last night; no REM sleep, anyways). I haven't outlined all that they do, but if I were, you would not be so quick to assume that her family deserves any respect.

 

Oh, I'm sorry... was my life changing, loving relationship saving, free-yet-priceless advice written in a format that you poor wittle wimps found offensive?

Gee, I'll try to sound like Misses fucking Cleaver next time. Or more likely, I'll just allow my fellow man to suffer despite my ability to save him... if this is all the thanks I get.

Am I arrogant & egotistical? Sure. So what?
When I saw this thread, I felt compelled to help my fellow man by sharing with him the knowledge I've gained by living among Muslim Arabs for ten years. After I spend the time to type out an extremely helpful outline, and do it for free out of the goodness of my heart- I get nothing in return but shit from ignorant trolls.
I am neither Arab nor Muslim, but I was going to invite a Palestinian, ex-Muslim friend of mine over to this board to help the thread starter better understand Arab Muslim culture, and the options open to him to regain the love of his life- which IS entirely possible, if done correctly. Wael's a great guy, I know he'd be willing to help, and his knowledge of this issue greatly surpasses my own. But since he could expect to be treated in the same rude manner I was, I won't even call this thread to his attention , and his vast knowlege and experience will remain absent. Don't worry Pink B, you'll still have the brilliant wisdom of wiz & scottishass to guide you in your time of need.

 

One more thing, for years the only free English-Arabic translation site was Ajeeb.com. Ajeeb has just raised their price from free to $1,000/year!

If you know of an existing free Arabic translation site, please let me know! I could really use that.