modern discrimination and ignorance

Hey People.
I am not gay. I'm 34 yrs old and single. I live in a Special Care Home, because I have lost all my ambition, and I'm dependant on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills, and anti-psychotic pills. Confused? I'll clerify. I was born with a very small penis, but was lucky enough to still have had sex with women my whole life; except the last seven years. I'm not one of those guys who doesn't realize that he's gay, and is confused about his sexual orientation. There's no question in my mind; I'm straight. However, I've never been much of a good experience to women sexually. I always had to appoligize, because also having a small dick, I had no stamina; two minutes tops. There is no question about it, I was the world's worst lay.
Ever since I can remember, I've always been a bit picky on my clothes. I didn't regularly wear rags, but I wasn't a metro-sexual either. I'm a T-shirt and jeans guy. I seriously messed up my life for good in 1995. I had no self esteem, and I felt skinny at 6 ft and 160 lbs. So not doing any research, and with no clue to what I was doing, I turned to Anabolic Steroids. I gained 15 lbs within two months, then stopped taking roids thinking that my muscle mass was permanent; stupid me. I left for college, leaving behind my then girlfriend. After about three months, I started losing muscle mass, strength, and started looking like an Aids victim. All my friends abandoned me because they didn't understand what was happening to me. I could no longer bear to look at myself in the mirror, and people would walk in an obviously evasive way around me, so they didn't have to meet my eyes. I really felt like the loneliest person on Earth, and I lived only inside my tormented mind. Some people, on a few occasions, made me feel like shit under their shoes; they said I was gay. I used to be a little homophobic because I didn't understand gays. But after being treated like one, I developed an understanding for gay people. After suffering like one, I could no longer discriminate against them. Gay people have to suffer the jokes and hatred that people throw at them, and are expected to be successful in a world that doesn't want them here. I tried to kill myself just before completing my final year of college. After I fell, I got up and dusted myself off, then finished school.
I returned home to my family, but I was still in a world of my own. I spoke jibberish, and my family couldn't understand me. After another few suicide attempts, I got psychiatric help and was medicated to balance the chemicals in my head. I put on weight; went up to 270 lbs. I moved from one Special Care Home to another, and finally settled where I now live. I lost 35 lbs and I feel alright. And I have come to terms that I'll probably remain single for the rest of my life. No normal woman would accept a broken down half-man like me. The women who I'm attracted to, are not attracted to me, but the women I want nothing to do with, try to pick me up. It's torture to have to explain my situation, and have to turn down these women. They don't like rejection anymore then men do. The steroids shrank my penis and testicals. I have almost no sperm production. I lost about 90% of my sex drive. And I have significant erectyle dysfunction. The only thing I have that is close to sex is watching women masturbate in videos that I get off the internet. I masterbate, and it's over in less than a minute. I only get the urge to masturbate about once per month; quite a difference than before 1995, when I craved sex once every second day.
I live in a Special Care Home, isolated from the world of responsibilities and people who don't understand my situation. They see me without a woman, and not pursuing any woman, and they conclude that I must be gay. I get so angry that I can easily see myself kick some serious ass. But I don't want to go to prison, where anal rape is a must. I don't understand how anal sex can excite anyone, whether you're the giver or the receiver. I tried it once with a girlfriend, and it felt disgusting. To finish, and to explain why I'm so fucked up in the end. My mother was sexually molested and beatten by her perverted father from the age of 12 to 16. Also, my father was sexually molested by a Catholic priest when he was an altar-boy. I was never molested or abused by my parents, but I'm the product of two parents who were. So when everything is said and done, I just wanted to let the gay community know that not everyone in this weird world is an ignorant asshole.

 

Oh please pity me. Really, as sad as your story is, I have little sympathy for you. All you're saying is "I'm a victim! Notice me" Clearly people don't really appreciate you and this is your way of getting your feeling of importance, but really, instead of trying to get people feeling sorry for you, try to make them like you...I'm sorry but what you wrote actually just annoyed me. I'm very much aware that not everyone in the world is an "ignorant asshole". You're basing a lot of what you say on stereotypes. I'm gay, but I don't go through all the shit you claim gay people go through. Sure many do, but like I said, you cannot generalise. By doing so, you're victimising gay people in a really unflattering way and although I can see the positive intentions of your statements, they're horribly overshadowed by your self-centred attempt at gaining sympathy.

 

i go through prejudice, and hate shit, but my boyfriend that lives across the city has no problem, hes loved over there

 

maybe you should go and live with him then?
S

 

Godfather,..dude you really should be talking to a therapist bout this stuff (not to be mean or incensitive),..This is theraphy material,..I gotta say I did take some offense to what you said,..Just cause you were put down by some people and called gay does not give you any clue to what its like to be gay.It sucks being put down but dude if youre in a bad state of mind *you gotta pull yourself out of it and perservere,..believe me you would'nt want to hear about all my problems.Get a grip,..It sounds to me like youre whinning,.Have some self-esteem and begin to get your life together,..You can't love anyone till' you love yourself,...Work on it slowly,..it will get better,.It's an inside job man,...you can start by having some more pride in yourself (I don't believe youre as pathetic as you sound lol)..If your feeling bad Its *your responsibility to do something about it,...Good Luck,..

J