Missing someone so much but not sure why

So what I am wondering about is that I miss my real dad. He died when I was four. I don't understand why I miss his it is not like e was a good dad or anything. He beat my mom when she was pregnat with my sister kim who is 20 right now. My parents got a divorce when we were young and he was supposed to come and get us on his weekends but he never did. I would always have to be drug into the house crying cause he did not come get me. My sister took it alot better then I did but what can you expect she is older then me.. and understood more.. On days that he did come pick us up he would tell us how he did not love us and that we were not his kids and that he raise his kids already. And the time we were at his house my sister and I would have to fend for ourself with showers and clothes and food.. mind you were are 3 and 5. I guess my main reason for posting this is I don't understand why I miss him he was not a father to me at all... I just don't understand.. My step dad was a lot better of a father then he ever was.. He has given my everything I have ever wanted and loved me as if I was his own child. Maybe one of you has a reason for me just missing him like crazy. I also understand that he is my dad and no matter what I will love him.

 

I think that you maybe miss what you could have had. Like your dad could have been there and cared for you and he didn't.

I dunno, I might be way off.

 

Ahhh hun, it's ok you miss you daddy even if you didn't know him well because you will always be apart of him. Although my dad is still living, I kinda always wondered and longed for a relationship with my dad the way that some lucky fortunate people have with their dads. *HUGS*

 

ya that could be it.. but when he was alive he had the chance to be there form me when he was alive. I am just not sure.. I guess I need to think more. the doctor told him that he needed to stop smoking otherwise he would not see me go to kindagarden. and he picked smoking over me. so i guess that is what makes it hard.

 

You know...I know what you mean. I also "miss" my dad. My dad is an alchaholic and emotionally abusive......he is still living and still with my mother....and we don't get along.....but everytime I see a father holding his baby daughter or giving her a piggy back ride I just about have a nervous break down. I WISH I could have had a dad to love me and protect me rather than cause me severe life long trauma and emotional harm. I grieved the loss of my father, of a father figure, or a loving childhood. I despised my father my entire life but with in the last few years I have realized how much grief (rather then anger) I have about him. I never thought I would grieve for him(I always though I would be largley uneffected if he ever were to die) it is what it is even if it sucks.

Those losses are real and you need to let yourself grieve. There is a great book called "TOXIC PARENTS" I forget who wrote it but check on amazon.com and put that in......the book will show up. It will be the best book you ever buy. It has plenty of info about ways which you can work through your grief and start to heal.

 

This makes me sad.

 

I was so sad, I just poured a little bit of my beer out as a sign of respect. But then I had to clean the floor, which made me even sadder.

 

I think girls always have such problems with feelings and missing. maybe this is why also you still love your ex even if he hurted you a lot, as an example.

 

Maybe you are missing what could have been, or what HE could have been to you. All children need a daddy and a mama. When they don't do their job (the parents) children often will mourn the loss of the Parent archetype, they never had.

I am so sorry your dad was such a dissappointment.

Blessings in looking towards to future for you.