Messed up.. Naughty boy

So....

When I was a youngin, not too long ago, I used to get sexual fantasies about being used by older pedo guys. I knew to some degree that this would be societal misconduct on their part, but would even try to barely-perceptibly flirt with "adults" from the time I was like...9 or 10...to try to screw with them...

I was a child of sexual abuse, and if you want to know how much it messes up a kid for the rest of their life, you can just ask me or anyone else who went through it about it, so don't use this story as grounds to fuel your misguided thoughts that a kid wants it. They don't know what they want. They're a kid. Get professional help, really. Help yourself avoid making a terrible mistake.

And yet, I still try to look, and achieve looking very young despite being of legal age (to the point that my mom thinks I need to protect myself from being "molested" instead of "raped", etc...) and occasionally lie to guys and tell them I'm underage cause it gives me some sort of sexual thrill, and I'd like to do some indecent father/son play with an older guy.

Anyone ever experience similar thoughts/fantasies? Any reactions appreciated.

 

Oh man. Sorry to hear you we're abused and attacked like that.

It's really difficult to discuss things like this because its almost as if people are in denial of higher mind verse primitive mind. People who dont have these problems, have a false sense of how much control we really have over sexuality. Most people would hear what you said that think you're in control of these attractions, thus YOU are messed up, when really, it's a deeper part of yourself that has been hurt, your rational mind knows this. Unfortunately you and I both know, you're not able to change that. Me personally, I have very violent fantasies of being over powered, raped, beaten, burned, cut and left. I want to be made to scream and cry, only to be beaten more and raped harder till I surrender. Simultaneously, another part of me is terrified of this. I don't want it to happen but I do, I don't want to be hurt like that but I do. It's absolutely insane.