Meditation.

So i've been meditating more or less daily for about 9 months now.

It's been absolutely incredible since I went on a retreat in Nepal, i've learnt so much about myself and the world. It helped me overcome some anxitey problems I had and combined with travelling has totally changed my life (I know that sounds so very cliche, but its true!).

But lately i've felt very 'spaced out' in my daily life. My friends have noticed this also.

By spaced out I mean I come across as very day dreamy. My mind is constantly analysing the situation...I can see how much of my life is based on desire and only ever leads to suffering...This leads to me feeling that much of the time I spend in the activities I do is entirely pointless....In a way I suppose it ends up feeling almost artificial and fake...Totally without meaning...

The last week or two this has begun to feel as though it's driving me crazy...It's as though I can see what others can't...I can see the reason for there suffering, I can see the reason for mine also. I want to tell them how they can allivate it but can't...

Sometimes I really do consider rejecting it all, my whole life here, family , friends, everything...Maybe become a monk...But then something inside of 'me' gets scared and tells me that I cannot survive without all this...Is this illusionary ego desperately trying to keep control?


I dunno, this is really hard to explain, I hope maybe someone understands and can help me out beacuse I don't know if I should be feeling this way.

 

another way to put it is simply like this;

Ever looked at your life and the universe and thought; Fuck all of this; the job, the relationships, the CDs , the movies, the money, the politics, the ignorance everywhere...There must be something deeper...I should withdraw myself from all of this beacuse all of this is just illusionary and causes me suffering?

Well that show I feel at the moment, but everytime something inside me says "without this 'you' are nothing..'You' will go crazy".

 

This is perfectly normal. It is said in the Hindu tradition that first a seeker is entranced by the world, then she withdraws from it (due to repulsion/fear) and then she embraces it in it's full beauty.

 

But where can you withdraw to? If you entered a monastary, you'd find your current set of relations, movies, CDs, politics etc replaced by a different set - monastic inter-relations, texts, community politics, rituals etc.
If you truly believe it's all an illusion then surely you'd just be swapping one set of illusions for another?
There is indeed 'something deeper', but I don't think you need to withdraw from the world (even if that were actually possible) in order to realize it.

 

suicide is the answer then.

fuck yeah(!)

Nah, but yeah, but nah, but yeah, but what is thi sosmething deeper you talk about?

 

At least give non-attachment a chance first!


I think that may be the key, because it is attachment which is behind the things that irritate - we are attached to wanting things a certain way and frustration arises when it doesn't work out that way.
But also - could you not re-arrange your life differently without necessarily going off to be a monk? Maybe it might take time, but surely it must be possible.

To be 'in the world but not of the world' in the words of Christ.

Then again, some people have a monastic 'vocation'. Only you can decide on that.

 

ok seriously now.

Yeah I see your point but I think it's hard to re-arrange my life in such a way.

I mean being a lay-person there are so many distractions compared to the monastic way of life...For example, although I love my family they do hold me back to an extent in my spiritual practices. And I am also attached to my family and friends which also holds me back...Also being in a culture that is so obssessed with alcohol, drugs and sex. So many temptations here in the west, it's a very hedonistic culture.

I dunno, maybe it's just I need a change of scenery. I found it a lot easier to practice in countries like Nepal, I was much more comfortable because the culture in asia is very spiritual and much less hedonistic than the west...Maybe I just need to totally re-arrange my life as you say. I certainly don't feel most the people I surround myself with at the moment are good for me. But it's hard to let go of these relationships because I am attached after knowing people for many years, i'm scared of being left with no one...I think i'm caught in two minds at the moment. On one hand I know i've outgrown most my friends now and they don't fulfill me and aren't making me happy to be around anymore. I'm quite a spiritual person now and have decided that i'm very serious about my practices, so I feel I need to surround myself with like-minded people . My current set of friends really couldn't understand that or relate in any way (bar one or two.)
But on the other hand I feel uncertain (self-doubt really is a terrible thing). I don't know how or where to take it from here. I don't want to waste this life selfishly chasing desires with no meaning or purpose. Of course I want to be happy and not suffer. I do want to devote myself to others as much as possible, because that's about the only thing that really fulfills me in the long-term, but I have no idea how to do that and go about that from here. It's incredibly frustrating. I feel as though everyone around me at the moment is holding me back from this.

 

I wish you luck. All I can add to what I said before is that where relationships go, you are right, they can be a distraction and bring you down.

Family relationships are 'given' - we all have them.Perhaps the thing is to aim to be independent of your family - but of course, to also maintain friendly relations.
With friends etc it's different. Some realationships just form when we are young and in a developmental stage, unsure of our direction in life. Sometimes, it can be better to let go in that kind of situation. If you get no empathy or understanding from someone, what is the point of trying to cultivate close relations?

As to the wider society and its ills - it's not easy. One can't easily escape the clamour and din of modern life. The only thing I can suggest is detachment and also trying to find a niche where you are happy.
If you feel that a monastic type of life might suit you, why not look for a community where you can go for a while and give it a try? See how you get on with the routines and so on.
If you believe in a higher power, turn to that for guidance.
As I say, I hope you can find some resolution to your difficulties.

 

Thanks for your advice. It's greatly appreciated.

On reflection I think what i'm really looking for is a sort of balance; I don't feel at this point in my life i'd be comfortable living a fully monastic life. I think i'm far too young to be making those kinds of decisions. That said I think it's something i'd definitely consider after years of experience as I grow older...But for now I think it's probably not the solution and is too extremist...How am I to make that decision when there are many worldly desires I haven't still experienced in this life?

That said, i'm really beggining to realise the true nature of my own suffering and why I suffer. I am able to understand why many of my actions have lead to negative consequences and situations in my life. I am also able to see why others suffer. And above all I am trying to change these patterns so I can be happier.

But as someone mentioned in this forum, it's all well and good recognising desires and attachment as suffering but it can be extremely difficult in knowing how to deal with them and dettach yourself from them. There are so many hindernaces; Just being corcerned with paying the rent and working absorbs so much of our time and energy , it leaves very little time to devote to spiritual practices and the really important questions...When we are on our death beds dying all our material wealth and pension schemes wont mean anything, only the dharma will matter. Yet everything we seem to do (this is especially true in the west) seems to take us directly away from that.

I think i'm at a new stage in my spiritual development. I want to take it a step further. Study, meditation and expereince have made me realise the nature of suffering. The first noble truth. But now I am moved to do something about it. I'm not content with just meditating for it's insights and peace of mind anymore. I need to go beyond that and start using what i've learnt to transform mine and others' lives, otherwise I feel as though my practices are just dead in the water; It would just remain a sort of theory with no practical application. Meaningless.

 

It all takes time. There's no 'quick fixes' really. All you can do probably, is work with what you've got. If certain practices work for you and give you insight, that's good, and you can continue that.


There is no doubt that this world is filled with suffering and misery - on one level that is. But it is also filled with beauty, and many positive things exist in life too. Perhaps it's not too good to focus too much on the negatives - many of which no one individual can change, but try to look for the positive - just the joy of existence itself. If you can fill yourself with positive vibes, then you are in a much better position to help others, and indeed yourself.
One has to avoid falling into the old trap that "because everything is miserable, I ought to be miserable too"

My own experience over many years on the spiritual path has shown me that there are times when it's difficult to see the way to go. But if you just persist in what you know is right, things often work themselves out. There are bound to be ups and downs. Periods of intensisty, quiet times, crossroads.

I agree with you that becoming a monk at a young age isn't necessarily a good idea, unless one had an exremely strong wish or definite calling to do so. Give yourself time - it's quite possible to have a reasonable life 'in the world'. You don't necessarily have to follow the mainstream model of society. Many people are interested in alternative lifestyles.

 

I'm sorry i'm probably coming across as being all cynical and maybe even sound depressed! That's not really the case because generally i'm happy, but it's just i'm confused at the moment.

You are correct i'm focusing too much on negatives at the moment, and i'm being overly-negative about my situation which isn't like me because most the time I can see the positives in pretty much all the events around me.

A final note on monastic way of life...In one respect it appeals to me, but when I really consider it i'm not convinced that studying loads of suttras, not eating after mid day, and devoting many hours to meditation everyday will make me happy. I just can't see that working...There are some aspects to the life that don't seem right to me.
But I do love the teachings from all the traditions and my practices have begun to trasnform my life in so many positive ways, it's just I feel the need to enlighten myself I suppose rather than being bound to a doctrine or single tradition.

Basically i'm in the process of saving money and going travelling again. En route i'll do the occasional retreat. Then I guess i'll have more idea of where to take it.

Thanks for your replies.

 

Sounds alright.

thanks

 

Being who you are where you is a matter of choice and the will to make it happen. There are distractions throughout the world and not just in this society. I agree it would be easier to live in a monastic situation but life hasn't dealt you or me that. Others in the world before us have faced these situations and prevailed. I draw upon that knowledge...the knowledge that it can be done, as a source of strength and resolve to help me face my own life. I know you can as well.

For me finding time to just meditate was always tough. Tough until I made time for it. When interuptions occur I smile knowing that that is part of it, too.
The hard part for me is living deep in the "Bible Belt" and still being who and what I am.
I think of the folks in Tibet who suffer torture and death for what the believe and it makes my life seem so much simpler and my problems so much smaller.

 

How do you know that you weren't already a monk in a past life? What, and where, do you think it got you then?

 

Green Tara chanting after meditation for grounding and more effective activity.

 

Peterness

The practical application of your meditation is to arrive at a point if stilness so that the step or act of letting of the attachment (i.e. that which has been troubling you). It is only an act in so much as one opens up inside. Attachment is a psychological grasp, it is closed. Open it, like letting go of an object in one's hand. Gravity will ensure it falls away naturally and effortlessly, as long as one open's from the grasping position. Sometimes the transition from grasping to opening requires a little effort, for the psyche has become stiff from manyt years of grasping, much like a hand becomes stiff if it graps tighly to an object for a long time and it is a little uncomfortable opening the fingers again.

There need not be any fear or resistance to you letting go, if you know that any fear is simply borne of the illusion that you need to be attached. You do not. It is illusion. Whatever you need in life can still be in your life after you become non attached to it. Like earning money. You do not loose anything but the attachmment and the desire to maintain it. You gain unconditional freedom, peace and bliss.

Peace and love
Jnanic