Married, but Carrying another man's baby? Advice Please help! Opinon's welcome!

Ok, so here is my situation, it is straight off the script's from the jerry springer
show, but i assure you, we are not a freak show, and i blame all of this on my part, and very bad judgement. it is long, but you have to hear all of the story to understand where i am coming from.
so here goes.

Im 28, Married, 4 wonderful kid's,love my hushand to death
I work as a paramedic for the city and
my husband is a rescue firefighter/EMT, we both work hard, and are well respected people, youre typical suburban family, big house, nice car's, dog in the yard, that kind of stero type picture.

Well about 3 year's ago, i met a nice lady named (cathy) and well we became close, closer then just friend's, we were like sister's.and that is the way it stayed for a long time, until the end of this year, when her husband started
hitting on me. Ok, i didn't think anything of it, alot of guy's hit on me, im a nice looking averge girl, but it was more then just flirting. I found out later on
that they were both swinger's and do this alot, both of them. Me not being into that kind of stuff, said, well im not interested. thank's

Well, one night, while visiting my friend (cathy), we all got drunk, including her husband, which i don't think he was all that drunk to be honest.
My husband and i were having some problem's at the time, and weren't close
so when this door openned, i was to drunk to say no, but i wont blame the beer, i knew what was going on, and let it happen.
Yeah, We had a 3 some, with her and her husband, and yes intercourse did happen. It was a over and done with thing, it happened once, that was it.
At the time, it was a bad judgment call on myself, and i can't believe i was stupid enough to do something like this, it is totally out of normal for me.

Well, that was in January, In Feburary, i found out i was pregnant.
With my best friend's husband's baby. i know it is not my husband's baby
cause my husband got fixed, back in 2005.

Now, what seemed messed up at the time, just got worse when i told my best friend what happened, i called her up on the phone that day, and i told her?
Cathy? IM PREGNANT, and at first she didn't say anything, she said oh yeah? like suprised? But when i worded out the next line that it is youre husband's?
She completly freaked out,told me ,take all their money and we can't raise another kid, and hung up the phone.

I heard from her again in a couple hours and she told me flat out
she want's nothing to do with it, and get this? her hushand even like joined in the act? and said, i Dont want anything to do with the b&tch!
and he said he isn't going to see the kid, and that i should have a abortion.

Well , "What friend's they were!. So i believe honesty will set you free or so they say, and i told my husband about my pregnancy
,and told him i was thinking about a abortion
and to my suprise, (he was angery) But
He told me right out, I do not want you to have a abortion, i was already 11 week's along at this point, and he told me we will keep it and ill raise it as one of my own. I couldn't look at my husband for week's, i felt so ashamed, and to this day i still feel ashamed, for what i did, sometime's i feel everyone is judging me,, cause of what i did., but my husband said that he trust's me
we been together for 10 year's, and he is glad i came right out and told him
what happened instead of finding out later,or lieing to him
or hearing it maybe from someone else. He said we can get past this and
someone has got to be a father to this little one.
He respect's me for my honesty, and i love him for it.


well my husband was planning to sign the birth cerft, and calm the baby as his
and all that good stuff, we even asked a lawyer these question's and the lawyer told us that your husband }}in the start of Pa{{{, is automatically the father till proven other wise, or his right's signed off, so my husband planned on just signing as the baby's father.Even tho he was not the bi-father. The other couple don't have money to challage it, so we figered it was a safe bet.

well, cathy, the wife, called me up and started talking to me again, and there for awhile, i thought we were getting along pretty good concidering, she was talking to us again, and even asked me how my pregnancy was going, and how i was, and seemed concerned.

In may, i found out im carrying a little baby girl, and that just happens to have a heart defect in her left side of her heart, and she will need special care after she is born, Im due to have her in October. Im almost 7 month's along.
My friend cathy, right away started talking about, the possiblilty of giving them the baby, for adotpion to her, But this floored me cause we didn't even talk about that, and me and my husband planned to raise this baby as our own.
Plus she stated over and over, she can't even look at this baby, and so on.
and told me she didn't know how she would feel toward's the baby.

See her and her husband have 3 little boy's and she can't have anymore kid's
she told me (qoute) since this baby is my husband's, i have right to be the mom, and to raise it,AND that i already have 2 girl's, it is their dream to raise a daughter together. She just kept hinting around the idea of giving this baby to her and i told her over and over, i can't, i can't. we can do visit's and everything like that, but im not going to just sign off my right's and hand over a baby. which happen's to be my baby as well.


So this just got worse as time went on, and i had a decsion to make,
" If i wanted to let them stay in her life, then we would have to make some kind of arrangment's for visit's, but since her health willnot be good and we have more room and mean's of taking care of her, plus it is best for her to tay with the same doctor's who have been looking after her from the start
she will live with us.

Cathy and her husband, are on welfare, and she is on SSI for mental problem's and they live in a 2 bedroom trailer, that frankly i wouldn't even drink the water, it smell's really bad, they have had children and youth called on them, time and time again, cathy take's care of her 3 boy's her husband doesn't do anything but sit there, she take's care of them 100%, Husband 0%
And he is verbally abusive to her, and was trying to be verbally abusive toward's me until i stopped talking to both of them, i don't need the stress.

This is going to change my life, forever, i know that, and this baby is going to need alot of love, more so then the averge kid, i know, but to have someone fighting over you all the time, just cause you are a girl!, I asure you , if this was a boy, we wouldn't be having this problem right now.

I brought this up to the cathy's husband and herself in person, and told them, this is what i had in mind, and what did you think? Of after the baby is born, maybe every couple of week's coming up and spending some time with you and youre family so the baby can have time with you and youre kids, but im still there to take care of anything she would need.

the husband told me, that if his wife, (cathy) my friend couldn't adopt the baby and the baby lives with them 100% of the time, then, he wanted nothing to do with the baby and would sign his right's away!


I told him "quote" Im trying to go half and half here, and i was trying to be fair with everyone, but he simply cursed at me and told me to leave. that
i was being selfish, and my friend cathy told me, i already have 2 daughters, and that i should give them this one. AND that maybe if i didn't look at the baby after i give birth to her, i would be able to give it to them without feeling anything, "unqoute"
So that was a week ago, and still we have no contact with them, and we are still planning on raising this baby on our own, as we did in the begining..
But now she is starting to call again, and email me, but i am not returning her call's or email..
ADVICE AND OPINON'S NO MATTER HOW BAD, I CAN TAKE IT.

sHould we just cut tie's and raise this baby by ourself's,?:leaving:

 

fuck that shit, they didnt even want the child at the start. plus having an abusive parent in the mix will NOT be good for any child, let alone one who will have chronic health problems. make sure your lawyer backs you up on this, but thta child should be with you and you rhusband

 

If you have to... go to court and fight it. From what you just wrote, hun, the ball is in your court. You have the upper hand here, baby doll. A better home life and can give the child all the medical help she needs. The other guys are on welfare.. do you
really think a court would give them the child, love? Hell no ! Well, unless you get a judge more stupid than Forrest Gump and Bubba as your lawyer. lol

 

Yeah, that is exectly what our lawyer said, the ball is on our side,and

really by the law of the state of Pa, a husband of a wife who has a baby is automatically the father of the child, until proven otherwise by the court's and they have no money to fight it, just alot of talk and abusive word's.

I think when the baby is old enough to understand, possibly in her teen's
we will disclose her paternity, but Not until then, i think she desevres that at least, but if she is any child of mine, she will understand, and not care so much
cause she will be loved to death. and in the long run, that is all that matter's.
Sperm cell's don't intital you to much,It is being a parent that make's you great!

 

Not only would I cut ties but I think I'd want to pick up and disappear and start someplace where there's not chance of being harassed by these people as they flip-flop their way around life and important matters.

 

Hi hoperenefeese,

as this is about the heart space in so many ways, just be sure your baby is indeed a child of love, and ever will be so.

Can you see this too ? The little girl will remind you, in case you forget.

And seen this way, things may become very simple then even as they are filled with lessons for all who are involved, to grow with all the more.

Much love

 

She will feel bless that she has the both of you, and had a better life than she would have had with them. I know I would feel bless if it was me.

 

OMG, your friends are acting like children, it's a babys life you're talking about not some toy you get to keep. Get away from them, they don't deserve her. Raise her, love her, and don't let anyone to mess up her life.

peace

 

yeah, that was my first reaction when she told me that i should just give this baby to the, cause i already have 2 girl's, does it matter how many girl's if any? that i would happen to have? it's not a puppy you get and give away, it;s a human being, and honestly i dont think these people know what that is to be honest.


thanks for the support, this is what we thought was right all alone, i mean i feel's right, and as long as i know im not going nut's well, then that is exectly what we are going to do, get out of dodge..lol

 

you need to cut ties with them, the courts would NEVEr grant them custody for the simple fact that there is not enough room in their tiny ass trailer for her..................

 

Not that being on welfare has anything to do with a family's capacity to love a child, but it seems like you and your husband have a lot more love for the child and for yourselves, which is important as a parent as well, than your friends do. If he is going to sign his right's away, good... your husband wants to raise this child, maybe someday your friends will come around, but for now this is your child and it will be your decision if you decide to let them in her life when they are more stable(mentally), good luck.

The only thing is hiding the paternity from a child can be a devastating thing when they find out, they may lose trust in you for a while, or longer. I'd be truthful, if it were my choice.

 

Agreed. I think it would be better to be completely up front about the situation to your child from the get-go.

And I vote to cut ties with the creeps.

 

thank's for all the support, and your right, jsut because someone is on welfare doesn't make them a unfit parent, but in this case, where there is more of a (i want i want i want) in my friend's mind, the realilty of the fact that her husband is the father, just goes out of her mind, and it is almost like the truth has not sunk in her head and the seriuosness this contain's. I don't think they understand, even tho they have children of there own, cause they only care about themself's.

As for paternity, I will and plan on telling her who her father's root's come from, but if she is anything like me, i don't think she will care much, im strong and was loved all my life, by great parent's, and i believe that is all she will really need is love, when she is old enough to understand how the world work's, we will have this conversation with her, and if she chooses at that time to contact him, that is up to her, but in this case, if he would still happen to be married, i don't see a happy reunion happying, so for her sake i hope she doesn't prosue that.

As for her birth, it is law in the state of Pa that my husband is automatically the father of this baby, until proven other wise by the court's, these people have no mean's to take this to court and i would love for them to try.
they would loose any kind of custody battle, and as far as the child's welfare goes, well these guy's have 2 felones on them for steeling something a while back, no one in there right mind will give these 2 clown's custody of a kid.

Im really not all that worried about that, im just seeing what everyone elses advice would be for how to go on from here.
CUTTING TIE'S, YEAH YEA! DAM RIGHT!

 

Why in the hell would you do that. So that right at the time when she is exploring herself you will crush what she thought the foundation of her life was built on. Thats shitty. Tell her or don't but keep it one way from the beginning. Guess Karma came out and whipped your butt on this one.

 

Not that being on welfare has anything to do with a family's capacity to love..


****That is false******


I strongly believe that if a child is challenged or has in capabilities or needs severe help and needs a lot of care WELFARE doesn't cut it! Ppl that make i think under 10,000 or 15,000 a yr do not qualify to pay child support. It may be dif in the states . Correct me if the money value is incorrect ..

T

 

In the state of Pa, in the usa, yeah, no matter if you make 1000 dollar's a year, they will sock you for child support, they are very strick with that in the state of Pa at least, But we aren't going after child support in this matter, i think in this case that would do more harm then good and if we are trying to cut tie's, that doesn't help any, and if i would go for child support im sure since he is dishing out all this money, he would want to see the kid after some time, and i just don't want to deal with all that, they are both nut's and made for each other, the less im around them the better, i hate to put it that way but that is how me and my husband both feel.
they can't even raise their own kid's, how in the hell would they raise another one, and one who will have heart problem's, it just isn't in the card's.
Plus this last time when the husband told me he was over with this, I was over with it too, so what is done is done, im not looking back anymore.

 

It may be a good thing. If the child support is too high, then don't want to pay it, and will sign off rights. Hell, I know a guy that thought a little over 200 a month was too high. When they jumped it to 500 a month, he said that is too much and signed his rights to the mother. He didn't want the kid, just thought he could get her back. Thought more of drugs than his love and care for his child.

 

Oh yea, much better to cut out the real father, without even worring about it. What about the medical histories and other things related to that gene pool that will help with your childs heath care. You were old enough to know where this all could leave and now you are whinning because the easy way out isn't easy enough. Your child has the right to know where half of here genes came from regardless of whether that embarrasses you. You should just be glad your husband is sticking by you, face the consequences for your actions(you might teach this to the kiddies as well) and try to make the best of the situation.