Married But Can"t Have Sex

I've been married for a year and a half (4 year relationship) and my wife (through no fault of her own, obviousy), has a condition that makes it very painful t have sex. It can be managed but it takes time and effort that she is too busy to commit to. I obviously love her and want to be married to her, but I find my eyes wandering and even going so far as flirting ... though I suppose that relatively normal, I am concerned I will act on it, and what that mean for our relationship. I want to be here supporting her through everything, but this is something I don't know how to get passed right now. Thoughts? Resources? Help?.

 

I'd have to think that knowing I had a condition that would play a factor in not giving my partner an opportunity to have sex.. that you'd have to at least think about letting them go with other people? Maybe you could ask her. tell her you're a man, and you have desires and needs. Yeah, give that a go.

 

Well does it matter to you if she's responsive or not? Because you could get your hands on a powerful sedative and have sex with her while she's sleeping. She might be cool with that.

Otherwise, it's always cool to masturbate.

 

And what is this mystery condition?

 

I think you'd call it "a wife"

 

Uglyhusbanditis

 

There are several valid medical reasons that sex could be extremely painful for a woman (endometriosis and vulvodynia are just a couple).

OP, if you married her knowing that sex was going to be an issue, did you discuss how your sexual needs would be met? If you were aware that sex was painful for her, and you claim to want to be supportive, why are you even remotely considering cheating on her? I get it, you're horny and she cannot satisfy your desires as often as you'd like. It is understandable, but there is a BIG difference between you knowing this issue existed prior to marriage and accepting it, and you got married and found out your sex life would be almost non existent.

Cheating on someone whose medical condition you accepted as part of the "marriage package" is wrong on numerous levels. Cheating on its own is bad enough, but cheating on someone who cannot satisfy you because of medically valid reasons (which you know about) is somehow worse, IMO. Its not like she can screw you anytime you want it and isn't, she can't even screw you when she wants it! (Without time consuming prep work, or pain)

Instead of letting your eyes roam and hoping you don't act on it, try talking to your wife. You have sexual needs, and she can help fulfill them without enduring pain. Just remember it should be mutually beneficial for both of you (you get a blowjob, she gets a massage, etc) Or, be honest and tell her that you cannot be supportive of her medical issues because you want to get laid more, and get a divorce.

 

As if they cant sneak into a brothel in their lunch hour and no one else will be none the wiser

That kind of attitude is ridiculous, id even go so far as idiotic. Negative reinforcement never works, people will just tell you what you want to hear to your face, then go do whatever behind everyone elses back

Actual medical conditions that may prevent sex are rare, what is far far more common is the type of girl that just wanted to hurry up and land a husband regardless of whether she was ever going to be aroused by him or even like him as a friend, then all the excuses to avoid sex follow

......and not only that, would be too insecure to ever marry a guy she was instantly aroused by, for if she is, too many other girls are, thus too likely another girl is going to steal him away


The real question is, if the guys want sex, why is the easiest way just to pay some other girl money? The same isnt really true for guys, they arent going to just sleep with women they arent attracted to, or if they would, the amount of money would have to be extraordinary

In this case, I dont know for sure of course, but its far more likely to be that. Having a condition that prevents vaginal sex, does rule out everything else

 

there are still ways of having sex..why is she not participating at all?

 

Why dont you lick her out? why cant she give you a blow job? what about anal? there are heaps of other things what can be done. You need to tell her how you feel, that there are other things that you can do or try looking at a treatment for this condition. If you feel this way after 4 years, imagine how you will feel after another 4 years or another 10 years and your already starting the flirting which is only going to lead you down the other path.

Also saying your a man you have desires and needs is the wrong thing to say, because all humans have those same desires and needs and she knows that already and that will just insult her. Some people have a lower sex drive and maybe thats part of this problem or you dont turn her on, because im sure she can still cum. Maybe she isnt interested in sex as well as having this condition or maybe she doesnt give a shit weather you are pleased or not, in that case relationship is over. Sex is very important, she needs to know that but dont be a jerk about it because im sure in a way she feels horrible for not pleasing you. Talk to her, thats all you can do

 

Do you think that every woman alive is just lying and whining constantly? Your thread answers are getting super repetative. I know a couple of gay guys with the exact same attitude. I know vaginas are scary and all, but the people attached to them aren't always scary too.

 

Back to he op, I would talk to your wife about this. Have you guys looked into any other sexual acts that don't really require penetration? Is it painful to touch her clit too?

 

I'm with the other gals here....intercourse isn't the only way to have sex and be intimate.

 

I dont exactly see how you jump from what I said there to...every woman alive whining and lying. I was suggesting, most if not all guys are going to lie about getting sum

 

You implied she is lying about her medical condition actually.

"Actual medical conditions that may prevent sex are rare, what is far far more common is the type of girl that just wanted to hurry up and land a husband regardless of whether she was ever going to be aroused by him or even like him as a friend, then all the excuses to avoid sex follow"

It was easier to cut and paste that bit than to quote your whole reply and delete most of it on this stupid thing...

 

Yep, my response is absurd. Even though it is based on my professional opinion, facts and medical studies, I am clueless. 17 years of marriage (and a 10+ yr one before that) have given me NO insight into how relationships work. I totally forgot to lump all men into the "cheating asshole" category. I guess all of the men that I have known who haven't cheated were liars. Damn them! <rolling eyes>

Well shit, I am one of those women who has medical issues that impact my sex life. I must be lying. Although the stack of medical bills, and surgical scars tell a different tale.
All of those free clinics I gave at the local college and hospital to help women with reproductive issues must have been a scam. Crap, and I didn't even charge! Silly me, I thought I was helping people.

I guess the response based on one person's negative view on women, relationships, sex, and sadly even men just HAS to be the right one. :dizzy2:

I needed a good laugh, thanks.

 

Husbandhaslowcreditcardbalanceitis

 

Except you didnt really laugh though did you, because its all kind of depressing

Because it doesnt matter what you or any other woman might go through medically, no one ever really sees that part

Most people will still just take one look at your husband, and if he's short, or butt ugly or an unemployed bum....then that will be why, thats what theyll think

Dont shoot the messenger

 

Actually I did laugh. Your view of relationships makes my cynical perspective seem positively rosy. Perhaps it has been your life experience, but it hasn't been mine....and even though I went through a nasty divorce. I still don't see relationships through your jaded lens.

I do not allow my health issues to consume my life, and never have. My health does not define who I am. (Very few people are aware I even have health issues. Why? Because there is no cause to tell them.) I do however recognize, and understand, that many of my friends, patients, people in general, have medical issues that makes sex miserable for them; men and women alike. My husband has medical issues that have come up over the 17 years we have been together. Shockingly enough (based on your logic of no one cares and he will cheat) we support each other completely, and it has brought us closer. Getting older is a bitch!

Crap! A married couple who has lasted 17+ years, without someone cheating, and we still like each other. We love each other, but that's easy. The hard part is continuing to like someone who grows and changes over time. While we have had some rocky moments (What couple doesn't?) we have always worked through them, and came out stronger. Who would have thought it possible! :dizzy2:

Oh, and my husband is FAR from short and ugly. (Again, thanks for the laugh) I am shallow but honest about it (I expect my partner to be my equal, and I his), and would never have dated him if he was ugly, unemployed, or unintelligent. (Know thyself!) We're both attractive, employed, well-educated, and sexual beings. We have been to numerous play parties over the years, and engaged in public sex on multiple occasions. Neither of us has ever cheated. Why? Because we both actively participate in keeping our sex life healthy and pleasurable. It really isn't hard to do if you enjoy sex with your partner, and actually communicate with them. I am the freak in bed that he wants, and he is the romantic and sensual man I want. Win-win! It creates a good balance in our marriage.

I do not assume others are like us. I see people as individuals, and each situation varies. Aside from thinking the OP would be a dick for cheating (which was my opinion, not stated as a fact) on a woman he knew had health issues that prevented her from fulling engaging in sex, I made no absolute statements about what a gender would/should/could or would not/should not or could not do. I even suggested that the OPs partner should step up her game a little and try different ways of enhancing their sex life. Neither should bear the entire weight of keeping their sex life healthy. It takes two! It seems pretty obvious, really.