marriage

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by bingo009, Jan 12, 2005.

  1. bingo009

    bingo009 Member

    at what age do you consider good to get fiance? married?


    and after how much time of relation?
     
  2. this is not a question that can be answered with any right or wrong, black or white answer. this is a subjective question that can only be answered by the people who are planning on getting married. it varies by the people involved and the situation. i've known people who got married young where it worked out, others where it didn't. i've known people who didn't get married until they were older. i've known others still who decided never to get married but were either really happy being single, or ended up in a loving relationship regardless. point being, there is no right or wrong answer to your question...oh, if ONLY it were that easy! :)
     
  3. ODESSAWEST

    ODESSAWEST Member

    I've only know my fiance for about 11 months and we have been together for about 7 months we got engaged on Dec 19 and I just moved in two days ago. I am 25 and he is 24 i know that is soon but i have had a lot of relationships but know like this one i think when you know you just know and we know good luck to you
     
  4. cutelildeadbear

    cutelildeadbear Hip Forums Gym Rat

    Some people are going to get very angry with me about this, but it is really just my opinion, and I don't really care what you people do.

    Honestly, I think that everyone should wait until they are 30 to get married. Now, I do have reasons behind this. First of all, I think that people should date quite a few people before deciding which one is the one to spend the rest of your life with. And I mean adult relationships, which we all know are quite different from those in high school and college. Second of all, I think everyone should experience life on their own for at least a year, or more even, in order to be self reliant and independant. If you have ever been in or seen a co-dependant relationship, you will know why I say this. Third of all, there is a lot that goes on in one's life between the ages of 18 and 30. I doubt that very many people are the same people at age 30 as they were when they were 18. And if you are, then I feel really sorry for you, because I would hope for everyone to grow and mature and learn new things, and take on new ideas. I don't think that after age 30 we change as much as what I call the "formative years". I mean this is the time when you figure out who you really are. If you are married then it is kind of difficult to determine who you are without that person.

    Next, I think that people should at least know each other for a year before deciding to get married. I say this because it takes almost that long to get out of the getting to know you, adoration, lust, phase. At about a year you can say that you've had a disagreement, or multiple, and you can see how you solve those problems. You have been able to see how this person interacts with his family, friends, strangers, at work, at play, under pressure, at holidays, etc. After a year, you don't love everything about the person. You realize, hey this person isn't perfect, can I love them anyway? And I really do think that people should be engaged for at least 6 months.

    But again like someone else posted, it is pretty subjective. It all depends on the individuals involved. I just think that these are some basic guidelines, to helping a marriage go a bit more smoothly from the get go. I mean I got married when I was 18, and I filed for divorce when I was 20. I wish someone had made me think about these things back then. I really wish I hadn't gotten married, but at the same time I learned many valuable lessons from it. One of which was not to rush into things, just because you think you want them. If for some reason you can't wait to marry someone, and it has to be now or never, then honestly I'd re-evaluate why exactly you want to marry. They say patience is a sign of maturity. I don't know if that is so, but I don't think it is such a bad idea to be patient. If it is meant to be it will be.
     
  5. i do agree with you on those points...but i kinda believe that if two people are truly in love, they don't ever leave that "adoration, lust" phase. me and dario are still very lustful, still adore each other quite a bit, and are still very much in love after being together as long as we have. but you are right...what couple ISN'T happy after only being together for, let's say, 6 weeks? :) haha...even though me and my squeeze ARE engaged, and i'm not quite 30 which is your ideal age, i feel like i know myself pretty well and know what i want for my life, as does he. and we are waiting to get married until we've LIVED together, under the same roof, for at least a few years. my pentecostal grandma would hate it if she knew, but this ain't the 1920's. people SHOULD live together before trying the marriage gig, and NEVER rush into it...i can identify with the situation of being so comitted to someone at such a young age...i was ALMOST going to marry someone who was totally wrong for me at the age of 18. although that was a short 4 years ago, i was a lot less mature, a lot less experienced, a lot more insecure, and a lot more of a douche than i am now :) hehehe...
     
  6. cutelildeadbear

    cutelildeadbear Hip Forums Gym Rat

    Ahhh... don't get me wrong, I am still very very much in lust with Jeremy after 4 years of being together. Actually, it is even better than it was in the beginning. Stronger feelings I suppose. But there are nights when I can just watch him sleep and think how sweet he is, and just stare into his eyes sometimes and just feel peace and love in my heart. I still get that giddy first love feeling about him. And honestly I hope that never goes away. But that isn't the same as when you meet someone and think "damn he/she is hot, I could date them", then come to find out they are idiots, or racist, or just plain assholes/bitches, what have you. What I really meant was just that you get to know someone completely not on the superficial level that is at the beginning of a relationship. I've known people who got engaged after knowing someone for 3 months, come to find out they were not who they thought they were, and they were completely miserable.

    Living together is something that I'm torn about. I have read many books on relationships and studied statistics (relationships fascinate me, I often write papers on them), and statistically if you live together before you get married, you are much more likely to not marry that person. But I also believe that every person and relationship is different. The reasons that are often cited though are comitment levels. Usually one person is more committed than the other, whether either of you want to admit it. And one person is usually ready to marry before the other. Then there is the whole, why bother thing after so long. Also, money matters are of great importance. I mean if you purchase a home together that is a lot of legal fees and red tape that you have to go through in order to protect both of you in the event of a break up. And most people who live together don't share money really, so what if your SO wants to spend $5000 no a big screen tv. Do they have to talk to you about it first. Etc. I know mutual respect would change that, but still, what I have read does make sense. It is just better to be closer to marriage rather than do the trial marriage thing. Its just not something that you practice doing.

    But here I am thinking these things, as my boyfriend of 4 years is packing, preparing to move in with me. I honestly have not concluded if it is a good idea or a bad idea. We lived together once before and it did not work out for various reasons, so I moved out and we stayed together, as opposed to killing each other, which would have been inevitable. I guess if you go into the living together stage with an open mind and with both of you laying out the ground rules then it could work. But the odds are against it.

    I can't speak for every single person as people experience life differently. But for the most part, from what I've seen out there, I really do think that it is best to wait a little longer. I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 28 and neither of us are ready. And it has nothing to do with not loving each other or wanting anyone else, it just has to do with what each of us want for ourselves in life, before we share that life with someone else.
     
  7. drumminmama

    drumminmama Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

    I met my sweetie at 27 (he's four years older) ad we got engaged quickly. Like three weeks quickly. We didn't get married for a bit more than a year after that.
    To really really know someone, travel with them, travel in a vehicle that breaks down alot and do eachother's laundry. Oh, and get lost in a rainstorm in Arkansas.
    Then attempt to carry on an omni and vegetarian diet mix, and add your sullen child from a first marriage.
    We have been together a decade.
     
  8. WayfaringStranger

    WayfaringStranger Corporate Slave #34

    you must put a ring on her finger before she turns 21. she can always divorce you later if she changes her mind. but take your shot while you got it before she runs off with some a-hole with a good lie.
     
  9. RatGrrl_005

    RatGrrl_005 Member

    I felt that I had wanted to get married with kids and the whole bit when i was in my early 20's because frankly at that age, life seemed a bit scary to go through without a companion. But I didnt do it then I lived my life and when I thought I knew who I was, I learned even more about myself...little extensions of my soul and spirit. There are no right or wrong ages to get married. Some people are the homemaker types, anything else they'd do in life would more than likely not fulfill them as much. I am now 31, about to be married in a May -- I know I want to be with him, but I am freaking out a bit. Even at 31 its scary. This is my 3rd engagement(other 2 I broke off, due to one guy being a stalker and the other is now serving time in a federal prison..lol -yeah, i know how to pick 'em=) ) This man, I have no doubt that we would flourish as a couple as we got older and our views and interests changed... It's just the whole finalization of it that freaks me out. He says I shouldn't stress because it's 'just a piece of paper'.. well I say, if its 'just a piece of paper', why bother?!>> I am excited about it and I do love him, its just maybe I've had too much independence.. lol...

    Now, my sister on the other hand is only 20 and getting married -- I dont know how she can do it. That is so young, to me anyways.
     

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