Man in 40s with 1 sexual partner - regrets about settling down too early

Hi.

I met my now wife when I was 18 and she was 16.

I had never had a proper girlfriend until then and had done nothing with a girl other than kissing.

We have been very happy ever since then and are now married and have two children.

I am now in my early 40s and I cannot, now, stop thinking about all the experiences I have never had and that I have really missed out on what sex is like with another woman.

Just to confirm - I am not thinking about having an affair.

I just cannot shake this feeling of regret that I, like most people, did not have a bit of experimentation before settling down.

This did not seem to be an issue until a few years ago when I turned 40 - is this a mid-life crisis thing that will disappear in time?

My wife can tell that something is up as apparently I look very depressed all the time - something I apparently cannot hide.

Any advice on how to handle this would be much appreciated.

 

I don’t know if I’m the right person to offer feedback. Devotion to one’s relationship, love and family is to be highly regarded and respected. So kudos to you for that.
I will say that sex is very personal and it can change over time, and whatever you decide to do, “don’t cheat”.
That said, Maybe you should have a knee to knee, heart to heart talk with your wife.about your feeling. Maybe she’s feeling the same way and hiding it differently than you. Maybe, take her to a clothing optional resort or camp ground. Even go to a sexy lifestyle club. The point is to step outside your comfort zone and still enjoy each other.
Along the way, this might open some unexplored doors in “you and her” sex life.

 

Thanks Jack.

Just reading back my original post, I meant to post "unlike most people" but you get what I mean.

Absolutely - would never dream of cheating. Too many people around me have gone down this road and it simply destroys everything. I would literally do anything for my family and if it meant me shutting up and being miserable for the rest of my life, then I would definitely do that if I had to.

I should have posted, in my earlier post, that my wife has had quite a few partners before me - I made the mistake of asking, when we first got together, so I know that it is around the 7-8 mark and so I am pretty sure that she doesn't have the same sense of missing out as me.

Plus, she is quite sensitive and I know that even my being curious about what sex with other people would have been like would hurt her.

When I was younger, I was warned by my friends (and even my dad) not to get too serious too early on for this very reason.

Really tricky situation - if I were on here, complaining that I never got to travel, learn a foreign language or do a university degree, most people would say "it's never too late - do it now" but this is one of those regrets that you cannot really undo.

 

It doesn’t matter how many men she’s had before you, or that you had no women before her. Still make it a together talk. Make sure it’s not about “you” talk. Give it time to soak in and evolve. This could take some time, even years. So be patient. That’s how it worked for my wife and I.

 

Thanks Jack - much appreciated.

 

Biffo, the number of previous sexual partners you or your wife have had is of no consequence in your current situation. There is absoutely no reason for you to feel insecure. Your wife choose to spend her life with you not one of her previous lovers. You haven't missed out on anything.

What matters is whether you are both happy in the marriage. If not, can you work on making things better? I agree you can't outright say that you're curious to know how she compares to other women. She'll want to hear that you never needed another woman because you already have the most beautiful sexy wife that you can imagine.

My suggestion would be to turn things round and focus on finding out how you can better meet her needs. If you can talk with her about that, it may prompt her to do the same for you. Then you can both have fun exploring the kind of things Panama Jack suggested.

 

I'm older than you - met my wife when she was 20 and I was 26. I'd had two major long term relationships prior to meeting her and several one night stands. One of the long terms went 4 and 1/2 years (my age was 18-22 and she was 18 months younger than I). The other lasted 1 1/2 years and I was 24-25 with her also being about 18 months younger than I. The 6 year difference between the one I would marry and I was, I felt, perfect. We lasted for 15 years. My wife was a virgin (as was my first love, to whom I also lost my virginity), so I realize how blessed I was in that. I still hold a great deal of importance over falling in love with a "good girl" to use that old sexist chestnut. Unfortunately, though - as it means I've been pretty much done as far as romance goes since I was your age.

As lucky as I've been to have had such lovely relationships, I too am nothing but a mountain of regret over not having made the most of my sexual opportunities. I was blue-pilled much too thoroughly to really pursue the sexual liberation that now keeps me awake nights wishing I'd known.

I've come to know that deep down, I am a fake at being blue-pilled. I wish I'd been Jamie Gillis in life. I want to be born again with the equipment appropriate to be in adult video and I want to have sex in every way possible with a couple thousand women.

It sucks being frustrated. It really sucks.

 

I say it can be depending upon how you approach it. Jack made excellent points about having a discussion with your spouse. She should be one you can be open and honest with. My spouse and I had a sex life that those old Penthouse magazine letters paled in comparison to. We engaged in sexual situations in many places and scenarios over the years. Indoors, outdoors, discretely with others around, taking a chance of being discovered, and just blatant fucking out in the open without a care if we were seen. I know a couple who love to visit the aforementioned sex clubs. They do not interact with anyone at the club and politely refuse when asked. But they do enjoy openly having sex with each other while being watched. That may be what you need, a change from vanilla sex with your spouse. But a change that includes her if she would be so inclined. The bottom line is sex isn't about the number of partners one has in life. It's really about the adventures one has with a partner. So discuss this with your wife. Find out if she is open to having adventurous sex outside the bedroom walls. I think that once you explore other scenarios with your wife the desire to have other women will wane.